Jokes of the day for Saturday, 03 September 2022
Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Saturday, 03 September 2022 |
I'm drilling for oil. It
I'm drilling for oil. It augers well.A Silent Bomb in Church
![A Silent Bomb in Church](/jokes-archive/2022/09/03/A-Silent-Bomb-in-Church.jpg.400.jpg)
Hair Color
![Hair Color](/jokes-archive/2022/09/01/Hair-Color.jpg.400.jpg)
An old man was sitting on a bench in the mall when a young man with spiked hair came over and sat down beside him. The boy's hair was yellow, green, orange, and purple. He had black makeup around his eyes. The old man just stared at him.
Finally the boy said, "what's the matter, old man, haven't you ever done anything wild in your life?"
The old man thought for a while and answered, "well yes actually, I have, I once got drunk and had sex with a parrot. I was just wondering if you were my son."
Standing at the ATM.
Saw a lad standing on one leg at an ATM.
Confused, I asked him what he was doing?
He was just checking his balance.
Chuck Norris is currently suin...
Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.Lynne Koplitz: Size Zero Roommate
![Lynne Koplitz: Size Zero Roommate](/jokes-archive/2010/09/03/Lynne-Koplitz-3A-Size-Zero-Roommate.jpg.400.jpg)
Church Bulletin Bloopers: Weddings and Babies
Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
The Honeymooners are now having bile studies each Tuesday evening at 7:30 p.m.
The rosebud on the altar this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Julius Belzer.
Please join us as we show our support for Amy and Alan who are preparing for the girth of their first child.
Thursday at 5:00 pm, there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All ladies wishing to be "Little Mothers" will meet with the Pastor in his private study.
(For the group of ladies called Moms Who Care and pray for the children in school). When their meeting was cancelled one week: "There will be no Moms who care this week."
- Joke shared on Beliefnet's Religious Humor page
Signs You Have a Han
1. You'd rather have a pencil driven through your retina than be exposed to sunlight.2. Trying to gain control of the situation, you continue to tell your room to "stay still."
3. Looking at yourself in the mirror induces the same reaction as chugging a glass of fresh paint. 4. You're convinced that chirping birds are Satan's pets.
5. You set aside an entire morning to spend some quality time with your toilet.
6. You replaced the traditional praying on your knees with the more feasible praying in a fetal position.
7. The bathroom reminds you of a carnival barker shouting, "Step right up and give it whirl!" 8. All day long your motto is, "Never again."
9. You could purchase a new bike just by recycling the bottles around your bed.
10. Your natural response to "Good morning," is "Shut up!"
Drunk test
![Drunk test](/jokes-archive/2017/09/03/Drunk-test.jpg.400.jpg)
A police officer pulls over this guy who's been weaving in and out of the lanes. He goes up to the guy's window and says, "Sir, I need you to blow into this breathalyzer tube."
The man says, "Sorry, officer, I can't do that. I am an asthmatic. If I do that, I'll have a really bad asthma attack."
"Okay, fine. I need you to come down to the station to give a blood sample."
"I can't do that either. I am a hemophiliac. If I do that,I'll bleed to death."
"Well, then, we need a urine sample."
"I'm sorry, officer, I can't do that either. I am also a diabetic. If I do that, I'll get really low blood sugar."
"All right, then I need you to come out here and walk this white line."
"I can't do that, officer."
"Why not?"
"Because I'm drunk."
A man was walking down the str...
![A man was walking down the str...](/jokes-archive/2018/12/30/A-man-was-walking-down-the-str-.jpg.400.jpg)
The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I giveyou this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"
"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.
"Will you use it to gamble instead of buying food?" the man asked.
"No, I don't gamble," the homeless man said. "I need everything I can getjust to stay alive."
"Will you spend this on greens fees at a golf course instead of food?" theman asked.
"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't played golf in 20years!"
"Will you spend the money on a woman in the red light district instead offood?" the man asked.
"What disease would I get for ten lousy bucks?" exclaimed the homeless man.
"Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'mgoing to take you home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."
The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you fordoing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting."
The man replied, "That's okay. It's important for her to see what a manlooks like after he has given up beer, gambling, golf, and sex."
A Department Store
![A Department Store](/jokes-archive/2015/12/08/A-Department-Store.jpg.400.jpg)
The clerk behind the counter just looks at him and says nothing.
The man repeats himself: "W-w-w-where`s the m-m-m-men`s dep-p-p-partment?" Again, the clerk doesn`t answer him.
The guy asks several more times: "W-w-w-where`s the m-m-m-men`s dep-p-p-partment?"
And the clerk just seems to ignore him. Finally, the guy is angry and storms off.
The customer who was waiting in line behind the guy asks the clerk, "why wouldn`t you answer that guy's question?"
The clerk answers, "D-d-d-do you th-th-th-think I w-w-w-want to get b-b-b-beat up?!!"
In your lifetime you will find and meet the person
![In your lifetime you will find and meet the person](/jokes-archive/2016/02/25/In-your-lifetime-you-will-find-and-meet-the-person.jpg.400.jpg)
Rescued on a Desert Island
![Rescued on a Desert Island](/jokes-archive/2019/08/19/Rescued-on-a-Desert-Island.jpg.400.jpg)
A man has been stuck on a desert island for 10 years
when he notices an unusual speck in the distance.
“It’s certainly not a ship,” he thinks to himself.
As the speck gets closer and closer the man starts to rule out the possibility that it’s a small boat or even a raft.
Suddenly, emerging from the surf, is a beautiful blonde woman wearing scuba gear and a wet suit.
She approaches the man, who can’t believe his eyes.
“Tell me, how long has it been since you’ve had a cigarette?” she asks the man.
“It’s been 10 years,” he replies.
With that, the woman reaches over and unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a packet of cigarettes.
The man takes one, lights it and takes a long drag.
“Man, that is good!” he says.
“And how long has it been since you’ve had a sip of bourbon?” the woman asks.
Trembling, the castaway explains that it’s also been 10 years.
Sure enough, the woman reaches over, unzips her right sleeve and pulls out a flask.
The man opens it and takes a swig.
“This is the best day of my life,” he says.
The woman starts unzipping her long zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit and looks at the man seductively.
“How long has it been since you’ve had some real fun?” she cheekily asks.
With tears in his eyes, the man falls to his knees and sobs.
“Dear lord! Don’t tell me you’ve got a Playstation in there!”
Alternative ending:
Lord! Don't tell me you've got golf clubs in there too!"
Alternative ending:
Oh good Lord! Don't tell me you've got a laptop?
Alternative ending:
Oh good Lord! Don't tell me you've got Internet?
Many similar jokes to this one online, with alternative punchline and a bit altered text, oldest one found on http://www.mnscuba.com , Scuba Jokes Forum page, posted by Punky Offline on February 25th 2003
A woman is meeting with her sh...
![A woman is meeting with her sh...](/jokes-archive/2015/07/27/A-woman-is-meeting-with-her-sh-.jpg.400.jpg)
"I have a dilemma. I am about to get married, but I haven't been totally honest with my fiancé. My father is a convict. My mother is a Devil worshipper. My brother is in an asylum and I'm wanted in three states for embezzlement. Taking all that into consideration, this is my question: How do I tell my family that my fiancé is a lawyer?"