Jokes of the day for Wednesday, 21 September 2022
| Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Wednesday, 21 September 2022 |
Catholic Horses
One day while he was at the track playing the ponies Mitch noticed a priest who stepped onto the track and blessed the forehead of one horse lining up for the 4th race.Lo and behold, that horse--a very long shot--won the race.Before the next race, as the horses began lining up, Mitch watched with interest as the old priest stepped onto the track again. Sure enough, as the 5th race horses came to the starting gate, the priest made a blessing on the forehead of one horse.Mitch made a beeline for a betting window and placed a small bet on the horse. Again, even though it was another long shot, the horse the priest had blessed won the race.Mitch collected his winnings, and anxiously waited to see which horse the priest would bless for the 6th race. The priest again blessed a horse.Mitch bet big on it, and it won. Mitch was elated. As the races continued, the priest kept blessing long-shot horses, and each one ended up coming in first.By and by, Mitch was pulling in some serious money. By the last race, he knew his wildest dreams were going to come true. He made a quick dash to the ATM, withdrew all his savings, and waited for the priest's blessing to tell him which horse to bet on.True to his habit, the priest stepped onto the track for the last race and blessed the forehead of an old nag that was the longest shot of the day. Mitch also observed the priest blessing the eyes, ears, and hooves of the old nag.Mitch knew he had a winner and bet every cent he owned on the old nag.He then watched, dumbfounded, as the old nag come in dead last. Mitch, in a state of shock, made his way down to the track area where the priest was.Confronting the old priest he demanded, “Father! What happened? All day long, you blessed horses and they all won. Then, in the last race, the horse you blessed lost by a Kentucky mile. Now, thanks to you, I've lost every cent of my savings--all of it!”The priest nodded wisely and, with sympathy, said, “Son, that's the problem with you Protestants. You can't tell the difference between a simple blessing and last rites.”-Do Not Walk Into Class
Billy walks into class late. His teacher says, “Billy, do not walk into class late again."
The next day Billy crawls into class late once again. His teacher says, “Billy, I thought I told you not to come into class late?"
Billy responds, "No, you told me I couldn't walk into class late."
The captains shirt...
Long ago, when sailing ships ruled the sea, a captain and his crew were in danger of being boarded by a pirate ship. As the crew became frantic, the captain bellowed to his First Mate, "Bring me my red shirt!"
The First Mate quickly retrieved the captain's red shirt, the captain put it on and led the crew to battle the pirate ship. Although some casualties occurred among the crew, the pirates were repelled.
Later that day, the lookout screamed that there were two pirate vessels about to attack. The crew cowered in fear, but the captain, calm as ever, bellowed, "Bring me my red shirt!" And once again the battle was on.
This time, the Captain and his crew repelled both pirate ships, although this time more casualties occurred. Weary from the battles, the men sat around on deck that night recounting the day's occurrences when an ensign looked to the Captain and asked, "Sir, why did you call for your red shirt before the battles?"
The Captain, giving the ensign a look that only a captain can give, exhorted, "If I am wounded in battle, the red shirt does not show the wound, and thus, you men will continue to fight unafraid."
The men sat in silence marveling at the courage of such a man. As dawn came the next morning, the lookout screamed more pirate ships were approaching, 10 of them, all ready to attack. The men became silent and looked to the Captain, their leader, for his usual command. The Captain, calm as ever, bellowed, "Bring me my brown pants!"
Used Car
It was a small town and the patrolman was making his evening rounds As he was checking a used car lot, he came upon two little old ladies sitting in a used car. He stopped and asked them if they were stealing the car. They said "Heavens no, we bought it."
He said, "Then why don't you drive it away".
Each of the women said "We can't drive".
The officer momentarily shook his head and then asked "Then why did you buy it?"
They answered, "We were told if we bought a car here, we'd get screwed, so we are just waiting.
Chinese Jews
Sid and Al were sitting in a Chinese restaurant.
"Sid," asked Al, "Are there any Jews in China?"
"I don't know," Sid replied. "Why don't we ask the waiter?"When the waiter came by, Al said, "Are there any Chinese Jews?"
"I don't know sir, let me ask," the waiter replied and he went into the kitchen.
He quickly returned and said, "No, sir. No Chinese Jews."
"Are you sure?" Al asked.
"I will check again, sir." the waiter replied and went back to the kitchen.
While he was still gone, Sid said, "I cannot believe there are no Jews in China. Our people are scattered everywhere."
When the waiter returned he said, "Sir, no Chinese Jews."
"Are you really sure?" Al asked again. "I cannot believe there are no Chinese Jews."
"Sir, I ask everyone," the waiter replied exasperated. "We have orange jews, prune jews, tomato jews and grape jews, but no one ever hear of Chinese jews!"
Everybody loves Raymond. Excep...
Everybody loves Raymond. Except Chuck Norris.Having arrived at the edge of ...
Having arrived at the edge of the river, the fisherman soon realized he had forgotten to bring any bait. Just then he happened to see a little snake passing by who had caught a worm. The fisherman snatched up the snake and robbed him of his worm. Feeling sorry for the little snake with no lunch, he snatched him up again and poured a little beer down his throat. Then he went about his fishing.An hour or so later the fisherman felt a tug at his pant leg. Looking down, he saw the same snake with three more worms in his mouth...
The Christmas gift...
A guy bought his wife a beautiful diamond ring for Christmas.
A friend of his said, "I thought she wanted one of those sporty 4-Wheel drive vehicles."
"She did," he replied. "But where in the world was I gonna find a fake Jeep?"
Halloween 2018 short jokes
What did the skeleton say to the vampire?
You suck.
What do ghosts use to wash their hair?
Sham-boo!
What kind of instrument do you play on Halloween?
A Spook-ulele.
What kind of key does a ghost use to unlock his room?
A Spoo-key
Why do skeletons have low self-esteem?
They have no body to love.
How do vampires get around on Halloween?
In blood vessels
What did the teenage witch ask her mother on Halloween?
Can i have the keys to the broom tonight.
10 Vampire Jokes for Halloween
Why didn't anyone want to babysit the little vampire?
A) Because he was a pain in the neck.
What is Dracula's favorite place in New York City?
A) The Vampire State Building
What did the little vampire say when he went to bed?
A) Turn on the dark, I am afraid of the light.
What did the vampire say to his victim?
A) It's been nice gnawing you.
Why do little vampires look forward to school lunches?
A) Because they know they won't get stake.
Who did Dracula take out on a date?
A) His ghoul friend
What do vampires fear the most?
A) Tooth decay
How do you join Dracula's fan club?
A) Send your name, address, and blood type.
What's a vampire's favorite fruit?
A) Nectarines
What's a vampire's favorite animal?
A) A giraffe
Ben went on safari with his wi...
Ben went on safari with his wife and mother-in-law. One evening, while still deep in the jungle, the Mrs. awoke to find her mother gone. Rushing to her husband, she insisted on them both trying to find her mother.Ben picked up his rifle, took a swig of whiskey, and started to look for her. In a clearing not far from the camp, they came upon a chilling sight: the mother-in-law was backed up against a thick, impenetrable bush, and a large male lion stood facing her.
The wife said, "What are we going to do?"
"Nothing," said Ben, "The lion got himself into this mess, let him get himself out of it."
The epitaph
A new widow requested the epitaph "Rest in Peace" for her husband's tombstone. When she later found he had left his fortune to his mistress, she attempted to get the engraver to change the carving.
This was impossible; the words were chiseled and could not be changed.
"In that case," she said, "please add, 'Till We Meet Again.'"
found on http://www.reallyshortfunnyjokes.net/2008/12/ , posted on 27. Dec 2008
