Jokes of the day for Friday, 23 September 2022
| Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Friday, 23 September 2022 |
Tattoo Your Name
Husband: "I want to tattoo your name on me. What do you think, shall I do it on my arm or neck?"
Wife: "How about on your will?"
Doc...You've got to help me!
"Doc," said the young man lying down on the couch, "You've got to help me! Every night I have the same horrible dream. I'm lying in bed when all of a sudden five drop dead gorgeous women rush in and start tearing off my clothes."
The psychiatrist nodded, "And what do you do?"
"I push them away!"
"I see. And what can I do to help you with this?"
The patient implored, "Please, Break my arms!"
Catsup
Little Johnny's mother was trying hard to get the catsup to come out of the bottle. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked four-year old Johnny to answer the phone.
Little Johnny ran out into the living room and answered the phone. "Mommy, It's the minister," he said to his mother.
From the kitchen Johnny's mom said, "Tell him I'll call him back."
Little Johnny spoke into the phone saying, "Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now. She's hitting the bottle."
The chemical formula for the h...
The chemical formula for the highly toxic cyanide ion is CN-. These are also Chuck Norris' initials. This is not a coincidence.A blonde arrived for her first...
A blonde arrived for her first golf lesson and the pro asked her to take a swing at a ball to see how she'd do. The blonde did so and completely duffed the shot.
The pro said, "Your swing is good but you're gripping the club too hard grip the club gently as you would your husband's penis."
The blonde took another shot and nailed the ball 275 yards straight down the fairway.
The pro said, "That was excellent!! Let's try it again, only this time take the club out of your mouth."
Bowling ball humor
I worry about the germs in the holes of bowling balls. Nobody cleans those holes. There are years of impacted pizza fingers in there. Taco fingers. Chicken fingers. I'm amazed those balls still have holes. Ever smell a bowling ball hole? You think the balls are knocking down the pins? You're wrong. The pins are passing out from the smell.
Beer Machismo
After the Great Britain Beer Festival, in London, all the Presidents of the brewreys decide to go to the pub for a drink. The coors President said "Can I have the only beer made with Rocky Mountain Spring Water: a Coors, please." The bartender gave him the drink.
Then the Budweiser President orders, "The King Of Beers -- Budweiser."
The bartender proceeds with the order.
The Amstel President walks in and orders "The Finest Beer ever."
The bartender gives him an Amstel.
Then the Guinness President says, "I'll have a coke please."
The bartender is taken aback by this but gives the coke to him anyway.
All the Presidents looked over at him and said, "Why have you ordered a coke?"
He replied, "Well if you all aren't drinking beer, then neither shall I."
Zen Sarcasm
1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me alone.
2 The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt or a leaky tire.
3. It's always darkest before dawn, so if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.
4. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
5. Always remember that you're unique. Just like everyone else.
6. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
7. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
8. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
9. If at first you don't succeed...Skydiving is not for you.
10. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
Hot Horseradish
A minister who was very fond of pure, hot horseradish always kept a bottle of it on his dining room table. Once, at dinner, he offered some to a guest, who took a big spoonful.The guest let out a huge gasp. When he was finally able to speak, he choked out, "I've heard many ministers preach hellfire, but you are the first one I've met who passes out a sample of it."Stomach problems
A man goes to the doctor complaining about stomach problems, and he asks him what he's been eating.
"I only eat pool balls," he says. "Red ones for breakfast, orange and yellow ones for lunch, blue for afternoon snacks, and black and purple for dinner."
"I see the problem," says the doctor. "You're not getting enough greens."
Pineapple Jokes
June 27th is nternational Pineapple Day! Find some jokes about it!
What do you get when you mix a Christmas tree and an iPad?
A pineapple.
Everyone thinks I’m weird because I’m addicted to ham and pineapple sandwiches.
But that’s just Hawaii roll.
What do you call a fat pineapple?
A pineapple chunk.
The next person that asks me for a pineapple juice, a cranberry juice and some lemonade with a slice of orange all in the same glass ...
is gonna get a punch.
A man goes to the doctor with a pineapple in his nose and bananas in his ears.
He says, "Doctor, what’s wrong with me?"
The doctor says, "Isn’t it obvious? You’re not eating properly."
What is a bank card’s favourite fruit?
A PIN-apple.
Why did the strawberry go out with the pineapple?
Because he couldn’t get a date.
Why was the pineapple all alone?
Because the banana split.
My sister said that onions are the only food that can make you cry.
So I threw a pineapple in her face.
What do you get when you mix a pineapple with a snake?
Ananas-conda.
Where do you get pineapple milk from?
From its pinenipples.
A person was hit by a bus after he claimed pineapple goes with pizza.
Also, I lost my bus license today.
I once put rum and pineapple into CERN’s particle accelerator.
Discovered the Piña Collider.
#PineappleDay #InternationalPineappleDay
Afraid of the Dark
A little boy was afraid of the dark. One night his mother told him to go out to the back porch and bring her the broom. The little boy turned to his mother and said, "Mama, I don't want to go out there. It's dark."
The mother smiled reassuringly at her son. "You don't have to be afraid of the dark," she explained. "Jesus is out there. He'll look after you and protect you."
The little boy looked at his mother real hard and asked, "Are you sure he's out there?"
"Yes, I'm sure. He is everywhere, and he is always ready to help you when you need him," she said.
The little boy thought about that for a minute and then went to the back door and cracked it a little. Peering out into the darkness, he called, "Jesus? If you're out there, would you please hand me the broom?"
Golf in Heaven
Bill, the avid golfer, contacts a "Medium" and asks if there is a golf course in Heaven. The Medium says that his request is a big order, but he will try and find out and get back to him in a few days.
After several days go by, Bill finally gets a call from the Medium.
"Well," said Bill, "What did ya find out?"
"I've got good news and bad news for you," said the Medium.
"OK, what's the good news?" Bill exclaimed.
"Well, there is a beautiful 36 hole golf course in Heaven, and you'll have 24 hour access with your own personal caddy," blurted out the Medium!!
"And the bad news?" asked Bill.
"You're due to tee-off this Sunday at around 10:30 in the morning," the Medium said!
This is important information...
This is important information just in case.Symptoms of the Bird Flu...
The Center for Disease Control has released a list ofsymptoms of bird flu. If you experience any of thefollowing, please seek medical treatment immediately:
1. High fever
2. Congestion
3. Nausea
4. Fatigue
5. Aching in the joints
6. An irresistible urge to crap on someone's windshield.
