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Jokes of the day for Tuesday, 08 November 2022

Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Tuesday, 08 November 2022

Lead Me Not

Lead me not to temptation...
For I can find it for myself!

#joke #short
Joke | Source: A joke a day - Free Jokes of the Day Clean Funny Jokes via Email, Humor and Entertainment
  • Currently 7.91/10

Rating: 7.9/10 (11)

Home for the Holidays

Morris calls his son in NY and says, "Benny, I have something to tell you. However, I don't want to discuss it. I'm merely telling you because you're my oldest child, and I thought you ought to know. I've made up my mind, I'm divorcing Mama."The son is shocked, and asks his father to tell him what happened."I don't want to get into it. My mind is made up.""But Dad, you just can't decide to divorce Mama just like that after 54 years together. What happened?""It's too painful to talk about it. I only called because you're my son, and I thought you should know. I really don't want to get into it anymore than this. You can call your sister and tell her. It will spare me the pain.""But where's Mama? Can I talk to her?""No, I don't want you to say anything to her about it. I haven't told her yet. Believe me it hasn't been easy. I've agonized over it for several days, and I've finally come to a decision. I have an appointment with the lawyer the day after tomorrow.""Dad, don't do anything rash. I'm going to take the first flight down. Promise me that you won't do anything until I get there.""Well, all right, I promise. Next week is Passover. I'll hold off seeing the lawyer until after the Seder. Call your sister in NJ and break the news to her. I just can't bear to talk about it anymore."A half hour later, Morris receives a call from his daughter who tells him that she and her brother were able to get tickets and that they and the children will be arriving in Florida the day after tomorrow."Benny told me that you don't want to talk about it on the telephone, but promise me that you won't do anything until we both get there." Morris promises. After hanging up from his daughter, Morris turns to his wife and says, "Well, it worked this time, but we are going to have to come up with a new idea to get them here for Rosh Hashanah."
#joke #lawyer
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 02 April 2018
  • Currently 8.47/10

Rating: 8.5/10 (15)

SLIDESHOW #69 - Funny Photo Slideshow

The heart surgeon was also a t

The heart surgeon was also a talented ventricle ist.
#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 24 May 2017
  • Currently 4.88/10

Rating: 4.9/10 (8)

Student exams

Two college seniors had a week of exams coming up. They decided to party instead.

Their biggest exam was on Wednesday and they showed up telling the professor that their car had broken down the night before due to a very flat tire and they needed a bit more time to study. The professor told them that they could have another day to study.

That evening, both of the boys crammed all night until they were sure that they knew just about everything. Arriving to class the next morning, each boy was told to go to separate classrooms to take the exam.

Each shrugged and went to two different parts of the building. As each sat down, they read the first question. "For 5 points, explain the contents of an atom."

At this point, they both thought that this was going to be a piece of cake, and answered the question with ease. Then, the test continued.

"For 95 points, tell me which tire it was."

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Saturday, 26 November 2016
  • Currently 8.08/10

Rating: 8.1/10 (12)

Quit Smoking

A young couple had been married for a couple of months, but the man was always after his wife to quit smoking.
One afternoon, she lit up after some love making, and he said, "You really ought to quit."
She, getting tired of his nagging, said, "I really enjoy a good cigarette after sex."
He replied, "But they stunt your growth."
She asked if he ever smoked, and he replied he never had.
Smiling and lifting her gaze to his groin, she said, "So, what's your excuse?"  

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 27 August 2015
  • Currently 3.58/10

Rating: 3.6/10 (12)

What does the starship enterpr...

What does the starship enterprise and tiolet paper have in common?
They both circle around uranus and wipe out klingons.
#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 08 November 2009
  • Currently 5.53/10

Rating: 5.5/10 (64)

A man realized he needed to pu...

A man realized he needed to purchase a hearing aid, but didn't want to spend a lot of money. "How much do they cost?" he asked the salesman.
"Anything from $2 to $2,000."
"Can I see the $2 model?" said the customer.
The salesman put the device around the man's neck, and said: "You just stick this button in your ear and run this little string down into your pocket."
"How does it work?" asked the customer.
"For $2, it doesn't work," said the salesman. "But when people see it on you, they'll talk louder."
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Tuesday, 08 November 2016
  • Currently 8.89/10

Rating: 8.9/10 (53)

Hari Kondabolu: Where Are You From?

Hes like, Hey, man, where are you from? So I told him, Im from Queens, New York. And then hes like, No, I mean where are you really from? Which, for those of you who dont know, thats code for, No, I mean, why arent you white?
#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 08 November 2010
  • Currently 4.30/10

Rating: 4.3/10 (53)

The original title for Star Wa...

The original title for Star Wars was "Skywalker: Texas Ranger". Starring Chuck Norris.
#joke #short #chucknorris
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Tuesday, 08 November 2011
  • Currently 2.81/10

Rating: 2.8/10 (47)

Competition Of A Nation

The Americans and Russians at the height of the arms race realized that if they continued in the usual manner they were going to blow up the whole world.
One day they sat down and decided to settle the whole dispute with one dog fight. They'd have five years to breed the best fighting dog in the world and whichever side's dog won would be entitled to dominate the world. The losing side would have to lay down its arms. The Russians found the biggest meanest Doberman and Rottweiler dogs in the world and bred them with the biggest meanest Siberian wolves. They selected only the biggest and strongest puppy from each litter, killed his siblings, and gave him all the milk. The used steroids and trainers and after five years came up with the biggest meanest dog the world had ever seen. Its cage needed steel bars that were five inches thick and nobody could get near it.
"When the day came for the fight, the Americans showed up with a strange animal. It was a nine foot long Dachshund. Everyone felt sorry for the Americans because they knew there was no way that this dog could possibly last ten seconds with the Russian dog.
"When the cages were opened up, the Dachshund came out and wrapped itself around the outside of the ring. It had the Russian dog almost completely surrounded. When the Russian dog leaned over to bite the Dachshund's neck, the Dachshund leaned up and consumed the Russian dog in one bite. There was nothing left at all of the Russian dog.
The Russians came up to the Americans shaking their heads in disbelief. `We don't understand how this could have happened. We had our best people working for five years with the meanest Doberman and Rottweiler dogs in the world and the biggest meanest Siberian wolves."
"That's nothing", an American replied. "We had our best plastic surgeons working for five years trying to make an alligator look like a Dachshund.'"
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Tuesday, 25 July 2017
  • Currently 8.25/10

Rating: 8.3/10 (8)

A very drunk gent checked into...

A very drunk gent checked into a hotel late one Saturday night. He awoke very ill and summoned a bellboy to fetch him a bottle of whiskey and a Sunday newspaper. The bellhop was gone a long time.
When he returned, the drunk remarked, "It must be hard to buy a bottle in this town on Sunday."
"There was no trouble with the whiskey," replied the bellboy, "but it's tough finding a Sunday paper on Tuesday."
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 12 September 2016
  • Currently 8.08/10

Rating: 8.1/10 (12)

National Hug a Plumber Day Jokes

It’s National Hug a Plumber Day on April 25! Find few sort jokes and one bit longer joke about Plumbers

What do plumbers and teachers have in common?
They both gotta deal with little crap all day.

What does a plumber say in a library?
"Pipe Down!"

What vegetable do plumbers hate?
Leeks.

What do plumbers and economists have in common?
They both deal with gross domestic product.

Why was the plumber tired after a day's work?
Because the work had been too draining!

What is the similarity between a plumber and a bodybuilder?
They both like to pump irons!

When the plumber had a near-death experience, he almost saw his entire life flush before his eyes!

What do you call a plumber who has become super and has his own game?
Super Mario!

A plumber received a call from a woman, requesting his help with a leaky pipe in her apartment. When he arrived, he was pleasantly surprised to find that the woman was quite attractive and had a stunning figure. As the afternoon progressed, the two grew increasingly close and intimate.
Around 5:30 p.m., the phone rang, interrupting their passionate rendezvous. The woman answered the call and then informed the plumber, "That was my husband. He's on his way home, but he'll be heading back to the office around 8 p.m. If you come back then, we can continue where we left off."
The union plumber stared at the woman in disbelief and responded, "What? On my own time?"

#HugaPlumberDay #NationalHugaPlumberDay
#joke
  • Currently 9.00/10

Rating: 9.0/10 (5)

Lawyers Get Robbed

Two lawyers are in a bank, when, suddenly, armed robbers burst in.
While several of the robbers take the money from the tellers, others line the customers, including the lawyers, up against a wall, and proceed to take their wallets, watches, etc. While this is going on lawyer number one jams something in lawyer number two's hand.
Without looking down, lawyer number two whispers, "What is this?" to which lawyer number one replies, "It's that $50 I owe you."
#joke #lawyer
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Tuesday, 21 June 2016
  • Currently 7.67/10

Rating: 7.7/10 (6)

The End Is Near!

A local priest and a pastor were fishing on the side of the road. They thoughtfully made a sign saying, "The End is Near! Turn yourself around now before it's too late!" and showed it to each passing car. One driver who drove by didn't appreciate the sign and shouted at them, "Leave us alone, you religious nuts!"
All of a sudden they heard a big splash, looked at each other, and the priest said to the pastor, "You think maybe we should have just said 'Bridge Out' instead?"

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 18 November 2009
  • Currently 6.23/10

Rating: 6.2/10 (43)

How many is a Brazilian?

A blonde is watching the news with her husband when the newscaster announces that six Brazilian men died in a skydiving accident.

The blonde starts sobbing uncontrollably.

Confused, her husband says: "It is sad, but they were skydiving. There were risks involved."

"I know," the blonde says. "But how many is a Brazilian?"

#joke #blonde
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Tuesday, 18 June 2013
  • Currently 5.73/10

Rating: 5.7/10 (11)

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