Jokes of the day for Wednesday, 25 January 2023

Animal behaviour? Cat calls ar

Animal behaviour? Cat calls are a mew sing.

New Dog Food

We put our dog on a vegan diet, and she's doing really well...
She's eaten two so far.

Who Is the Real Virgin?

A ten-year-old, under the tutelage of her grandmother, was becoming knowledgeable about the Bible. But one day, she surprised her grandmother by asking, "Which virgin was the mother of Jesus? The Virgin Mary or the King James Virgin?"

It's the drinking...

The patient was lying in bed, still groggy from the effects of the recent operation. His doctor came in, looking very glum.

"I can't be sure what's wrong with you," the doctor said. "I think it's the drinking."

"Okay," the patient said. "Can we get an opinion from a doctor who's sober?"

The Vase

A guy goes to a girl's house for the first time, and she shows him into the living room. She excuses herself to go to the kitchen to make them a few drinks, and as he's standing there alone, he notices a cute little vase on the mantel. He picks it up, and as he's looking at it, she walks back in.
He says "What's this?"
She says, "Oh, my father's ashes are in there."
He says, "Jeez...oooh....I..."
She says, "Yeah, he's too lazy to go to the kitchen to get an ashtray."

Authorized Personnel Only

A homeless man, down on his luck, went into a Catholic church that was known for its rather “uppity” social reputation. Spotting the man’s dirty clothes, the ushers stopped him outside the church door and asked if he needed help. The man told them, “I was praying and the Lord told me to come to this church.”The ushers suggested that the man go away and pray some more and me might get a different answer.The following Sunday the man returned and the ushers again stopped him at the door. “Well, did you get a different answer?” they asked him.“Yes, I did,” said the man. “I told the Lord that you don’t want me here, but the Lord said, ‘Keep trying, son. I’ve been trying to get into that church for years and I haven’t made it yet either.”

Lawyers should never ask a Sou...

Lawyers should never ask a Southern grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer. In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand.
He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"
She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."
The lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?"
She again replied, "Why, yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him."
The defense attorney almost died.
The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said, "If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you to the electric chair.

Why did the city build a graveyard...

Q: Why did the city build a graveyard across the street from the retirement home?
A: So all the old people can see there futures!

During their vacation and whil...

During their vacation and while they were visiting Jerusalam, George's mother-in-law died.
With death certificates in hand, George went to the American Consulate Office to make arrangements to send the body back to the states for proper burial.
The Consul, after hearing of the death of the
mother-in-law told George that the sending of a body back to the states for burial is very, very expensive. It could cost as much as $5,000.00.
The Consul continues, in most cases the person responsible for the remains normally decides to bury the body here. This would only cost $150.00.
George thinks for some time and answers, "I don't care how much it will cost to send the body back; that's what I want to do."
The Consul, after hearing this, says, "You must have loved your mother-in-law very much consdering the difference in price."
"No, it's not that," says George. "You see, I know of a case years ago of a person that was buried here in Jerusalem. On the third day he arose from the dead !
I just can't take that chance.

Televised Operations

The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny.
As public television viewers in 12 cities sat glued to their sets while doctors in Philadelphia reconstructed 15-month-old Michele Miller's skull during a two-hour operation broadcast live, the girl's parents, Lynn and Paul Miller of Princeton, N.J., opted to watch "The Wizard of Oz" instead.

A father walks into a restaura...

A father walks into a restaurant with his young son. He gives the young boy three nickels to play with to keep him occupied. Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face. The father realizes the boy has swallowed the nickels and starts slapping him on the back. The boy coughs up two of the nickels, but keeps choking. Looking at his son, the father is panicking, shouting for help.
A well dressed, attractive, and serious looking woman, in a blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, neatly folds the newspaper and places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the restaurant.
Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants; takes hold of the boy's' testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly. After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the last nickel, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.
Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman hands the nickel to the father and walks back to her seat at the coffee bar without saying a word.
As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor?"
"No," the woman replied. "I'm with the IRS."

Bastille Day Joke

14 July is Bastille Day! Have fun with this very Bastille Day joke!

It's the time of the French Revolution and they’re doing their usual daily beheadings.
Today they’re leading a priest, a prostitute, and an engineer up to the guillotine.
They ask the priest if he wants to be face up or face down when he meets his fate.
The priest says that he would like to be face up so he will be looking toward heaven when he dies. They raise the blade of the guillotine and release it, it comes speeding down and suddenly stops just inches from his neck. Being devoutly religious, they Take this as divine intervention and release the priest.
Next, the prostitute comes to the guillotine. She also decides to die face up hoping that she will be as fortunate as the priest. They raise the blade of the guillotine, and release it, it comes speeding down and suddenly stops just inches from her neck. So they release the prostitute as well.
The engineer is next. He too decides to die facing up. They raise the blade of the guillotine and suddenly the engineer cries out:
"Hey, I see what your problem is!"

Praying and Sleeping

Two men arrive at the Pearly Gates at about the same time, both wanting to know if they will be admitted to heaven. St. Peter asks the first man his name, where he is from, and what he did in life.
The man answers that he is John Smith and that he was a taxi driver in New York City.
St. Peter looks through his book, then gives the man a luxurious silken robe and a golden staff, and bids him welcome into heaven for his eternal reward.
St. Peter then asks the second man the same questions. He replies that his name is Thomas O'Malley, and that he was a Catholic priest in Chicago. St. Peter looks in his book, then gives him a cotton robe and a wooden staff, and bids him to enter into heaven for his eternal reward.
Father O'Malley says, Wait a minute! Why did that taxi driver get a silken robe and golden staff while I, a Catholic Priest and a man of God, got a cotton robe and wooden staff?
St. Peter told him that the rewards in heaven are based on results, and while Father O'Malley preached, people slept, but while John Smith drove, people prayed!

Walking with a lantern...

Pappy sees Elmer walking with a lantern and asks, "Where ya going boy?" The son smiled and replied, "I'm a-going courting Peggy-Sue." The Father said, "When I went a-courtin', I didn't need me no dang lantern." "Sure Pa, I know." the boy said. "And look what you got !"

What you watching that for?

The missus was watching a cooking program the other day.
I said, "What you watching that for? You can't cook."

She said, ........"You watch porn!!."
Hat Tip: Thomas Ben