Jokes of the day for Thursday, 26 January 2023
| Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Thursday, 26 January 2023 |
A Yogi Walked into a Pizza Parlor…
What did the Yogi say when he walked into the Zen Pizza Parlor?"Make me one with everything."When the Yogi got the pizza, he gave the proprietor a $20 bill. The proprietor pocketed the bill. The Yogi said "Don't I get change?"The proprietor said, "Change must come from within."My Young Daughter
I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I'd not seen in years.
"This is Beth," I said, introducing my kid.
"And what's Beth short for?" he asked.
"Because she's only three," I answered.
Some great things about getting older...
Finally you can eat dinner at 4:00Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.
Kidnappers are not very interested in you.
It's harder and harder for sexual harassment charges to stick.
If you've never smoked you can start now and it won't have time to hurt you.
People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.
Your supply of brain cells is finally down to a manageable size.
Your eyes won't get much worse.
Adult diapers are actually kind of convenient.
Things you buy now won't wear out.
No one expects you to run into a burning building.
You don't need the shingles with the 30 year guarantee.
There is no need to spend money for a psychic to see your future.
There's nothing left to learn the hard way.
Your joints are more accurate than the National Weather Service.
Protecting your eyes during a solar eclipse isn't as important as it used to be.
Buying cheap tires and not rotating them makes economic sense.
You don't have to learn the name of the new UPS man.
No one thinks you're cheap because you don't buy a half a cow to freeze.
You may never have to vacuum under the bed again.
Taking the shortest magazine subscription is economically defensible.
You don't have to bother planting perennials.
In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first
The Vase
A guy goes to a girl's house for the first time, and she shows him into the living room. She excuses herself to go to the kitchen to make them a few drinks, and as he's standing there alone, he notices a cute little vase on the mantel. He picks it up, and as he's looking at it, she walks back in.
He says "What's this?"
She says, "Oh, my father's ashes are in there."
He says, "Jeez...oooh....I..."
She says, "Yeah, he's too lazy to go to the kitchen to get an ashtray."
Sheng Wang: Toilet With No Water
I took a dump in a toilet with no water. I had to tell my friends, Yeah, I dropped the kids off at the skate park. Love and Cherish till …..
A husband died. A few weeks later the wife died. As she got to heaven she saw her husband. She ran up to him with tears in her eyes.
'Darling, how I've missed you!'
The husband extends his arms stopping her from embracing him and says, 'Whoa there woman, the contract was until death!'
Brian Regan: New Baby Greeting Cards
They have a section called, New Baby. I dont think you need the word new. Theyd have to clear up confusion. Do you have an Old Baby section? Cause my friends had a baby, and I let time get away from me, and hes 12. Leaving Dan In My Will
A lawyer meets with the family of a recently deceased millionaire for the reading of the will.
'To my loving wife, Rose, who always stood by me, I leave the house and $2 million,' the attorney reads.
'To my darling daughter, Jessica, who looked after me in sickness and kept the business going, I leave the yacht, the business and $1 million.'
'And finally,' the lawyer concludes, 'to my cousin Dan, who hated me, argued with me and thought I would never mention him in my will. Well, you were wrong. Hi Dan!'
Two malls
Every town has the same two malls: the one white people go to and the one white people used to go to.
Chris Rock (February 7 1965-)
Picture: AFP/Getty Images
Petroleum Jelly
One day while doing door-to-door market research, this guy knocks on a door and is greeted by a beautiful young housewife.
"Hello," he starts, "I'm doing some research for a petroleum jelly manufacturer. Have you ever used the product?"
"Yes. My husband and I use it during sex," she answers.
The researcher is taken aback. "Um, er, I admire you for your honesty," he continues. "Can you tell me exactly how you use it?"
"Sure, we put it on the doorknob so the kids can't get in."
Both Sides Of The Law
A police officer arrives at the scene of an accident, in which a car smashed into a tree.
The cop rushes over to the vehicle and asks the driver, "Are you seriously hurt?"
"How should I know?" the man answers, "I'm not a lawyer!"
