Jokes of the day for Thursday, 16 February 2023

That latest online fad –

That latest online fad – Twither did it go?

The Politics

Son: “Dad, I want to be in politics when I grow up.”
Dad: “Are you insane? Have you completely lost your mind? Are you a moron?”
Son: “Forget it, there seem to be too many requirements.”

Biblical Financiers

Q. Who was the greatest financier in the Bible?
A. Noah. He was floating his stock while everyone else was in liquidation.

Q. Who was the greatest female financier in the Bible?
A. Pharaoh's daughter.
She went down to the bank of the Nile and drew out a little prophet.

Christmas sign of the times....

As a little boy climbed onto Santa's lap, Santa asked the usual, "And what would you like for Christmas?" The child stared at him open mouthed and horrified for a minute, then gasped, "Didn't you get my E-mail?"

Chuck Norris can win tic-tac-t...

Chuck Norris can win tic-tac-toe in one move.

The Wailing Wall

A journalist assigned to the Jerusalem bureau takes an

apartment overlooking the Wailing Wall. Every day when she

looks out, she sees an old Jewish man praying vigorously. So,

the journalist goes down and introduces herself to the old

man.

She asks, "You come every day to the wall. How long have you

done that and what are you praying for?" The old man

replies, "I have come here to pray every day for 25 years. In

the morning I pray for world peace and then for the

brotherhood of man. I go home have a cup of tea and I come

back and pray for the eradication of illness and disease from

the earth."

The journalist is amazed. "How does it make you feel to come

here every day for 25 years and pray for these things?" she

asks.

The old man looks at her sadly. "Like I'm talking to a

wall."

Chuck Norris doesn't brush his...

Chuck Norris doesn't brush his teeth, he scares the plaque off each morning by snarling in the mirror.

Census...

Census Taker: 'How many children do you have?'
Woman: 'Four.'
Census Taker: 'May I have their names, please?'
Woman: 'Eenie, Meenie, Minie and George.'
Census Taker: 'Okay, that's fine. But may I ask why you named your fourth child George?'
Woman: 'Because we didn't want any Moe.'

Compassion With an Umbrella

A Western Buddhist woman was in India, studying with her teacher. She was riding with another woman friend in a rickshaw-like carriage, when they were attacked by a man on the street. In the end, the attacker only succeeded in frightening the women, but the Buddhist woman was quite upset by the event and told her teacher so. She asked him what she should have done - what would have been the appropriate, Buddhist response.
The teacher said very simply, "You should have very mindfully and with great compassion whacked the attacker over the head with your umbrella."

I am passing this on to you be...

I am passing this on to you because it definitely works and we could all use a little more calmness in our lives. By following simple advice heard on the Dr. Phil show, you too can find inner peace.
Dr Phil proclaimed, "The way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started and have never finished."
So, I looked around my house to see all the things I started and hadn't finished, and before leaving the house this morning, I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of Zinfandel, a bottle of Bailey's Irish Cream, a bottle of Kahlua, a package of Oreos, the remainder of my old Prozac prescription, the rest of the cheesecake, some Doritos, and a box of chocolates and the rest of my half-gallon of Blue Bell Original Vanilla Bean ice-cream.
You have no idea how freaking good I feel right now. Please pass this on to those whom you think might be in need of inner peace.

Duct Tape & Onwards

An old man is sitting on his porch when he sees a young boy walking down the street dragging something behind him. He calls out to the boy, "Hey son, what you got there?" to which the boy replies, "It's duct tape, I'm gonna go catch me some ducks." The old man laughs and he calls out, "You fool, you can't catch ducks with duct tape!" The little boy laughs and continues on his way, returning a few short hours later, and behind him, he is dragging 8 ducks, all wrapped up in the duct tape. The old man can't believe his eyes.

The next day, the old man is sitting on his porch again and along comes the little boy dragging something behind him. When the old man asks what he's got this time, the boy replies, "It's a spool of chicken wire, I'm going to catch some chickens in it." Well the old man begins to laugh quite hard, telling the boy, "You fool, you can't catch chickens with chicken wire." The boy laughs himself, and says back, "That's what you said about the duct tape," and he continues on his way, with the old man laughing like crazy. A few hours later the old man is surprised to see the boy coming back, and even more shocked to see that behind him he is dragging 10 chickens, all tangled up in the chicken wire, he can't believe his eyes again.

The next day, the old man is sitting there wondering what the little boy will be up to next, and sure enough he sees him coming down the street with something in his hand. He calls out to the boy, "Hey son, what you go there today?

" The boy responds, "It's a pussy willow." The man then replies, "Hang on son, I'll get my hat!"

I love straight forward people

I love straight forward people.

MONDAY: It's fun to cook for...

MONDAY: It's fun to cook for Tom. Today I made angel food cake. The recipe said beat 12 eggs separately. The neighbors were nice enough to loan me some extra bowls.
TUESDAY: Tom wanted fruit salad for supper. The recipe said serve without dressing. So I didn't dress. What a surprise when Tom brought a friend home for supper.
WEDNESDAY: A good day for rice. The recipe said wash thoroughly before steaming the rice. It seemed kind of silly but I took a bath anyway. I can't say it improved the rice any.
THURSDAY: Today Tom asked for salad again. I tried a new recipe. It said prepare ingredients, lay on a bed of lettuce one hour before serving. Tom asked me why I was rolling around in the garden.
FRIDAY: I found an easy recipe for cookies. It said put the ingredients in a bowl and beat it. There must have been something wrong with this recipe. When I got back, everything was the same as when I left.
SATURDAY: Tom did the shopping today and brought home a chicken. He asked me to dress it for Sunday (oh boy).For some reason Tom keeps counting to ten.
SUNDAY: Tom's folks came to dinner. I wanted to serve roast but all I had was hamburger. Suddenly I had a flash of genius. I put the hamburger in the oven and set the controls for roast. It still came out hamburger, much to my disappointment.
GOOD NIGHT DEAR DIARY. This has been a very exciting week. I am eager for tomorrow to come so I can try out a new recipe on Tom. If I can talk Tom into buying a bigger oven, I would like to surprise him with chocolate moose.

Piercings

Did you hear that rectal piercings can be poisonous?
Some of them contain arse nic!

How long...?

When the surgeon came to see Rita on the day after her operation, she asked him somewhat hesitantly just how long it would be before she could resume her sex life.

"Uh, I hadn't really thought about it" replied the stunned surgeon.

"You're the first one ever to ask that after a nose job...."