Jokes of the day for Thursday, 16 March 2023
| Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Thursday, 16 March 2023 |
You have 10
A man hasn't been feeling well, so he goes to his doctor for a complete checkup. Afterward the doctor comes out with the results. "I'm afraid I have some very bad news," the doctor says: "You're dying, and you don't have much time left."
"Oh, that's terrible!" says the man: "How long have I got?"
"You have 10," the doctor says sadly.
"What do you mean, 10?" the man asks: "10 what? Months? Weeks? What?!"
"Nine, eight...."
A Golfer's Deal With the Devil
A golfer was having a tough day and in his frustration he blurted out, "I would give anything for a birdie on this hole." A nearby stranger walked out of the woods beside the hole and whispered, "If you give up one quarter of your sex life, I guarantee you will make this shot."The golfer said "OK." He made the shot for birdie.A few holes later, he was having trouble on another hole. "Please, let me make this for eagle" he said.Again, the stranger stepped up to him and said, "If you give up another quarter of your sex life, you will make eagle.""You're on," the golfer said, and made the shot for eagle.On the eighteenth hole, the golfer needed an eagle to win. The stranger again stepped up and said "If you give up the last half of your sex life, you will make eagle to win.""OK," the golfer said, and made his shot for eagle, winning the round.As he was walking back to the clubhouse, the stranger walked up beside him and said, "I think I should inform you that I am the Devil, and from now on you will have no sex life."The golfer turned to him, smiled, and said, "Nice to meet you, my name is Father O'Malley!"
Goat for dinner....
This young couple invited their parson for Sunday dinner. While they were in the kitchen preparing the meal, the minister asked their young son what they were having.
"Goat," the little boy replied.
"Goat?" replied the startled man of the cloth. "Are you sure about that?"
"Yep," said the youngster. "I heard Pa say to Ma, 'Might as well have the old goat for dinner today as any other day.'"
Not tonight, Adam
After a few days, the Lord called to Adam and said, "It is time for you and Eve to begin the process of populating the earth, so I want you to kiss her."
Adam answered, "Yes, Lord, but what is a 'kiss'?"
The Lord gave a brief description to Adam, who then took Eve by the hand and led her to a nearby bush.
A few minutes later, Adam emerged and said, "Thank you, Lord. That was enjoyable."
And the Lord replied, "Yes, Adam, I thought you might enjoy that. Now I'd like you to caress Eve."
And Adam said, "What is 'caress'?"
So the Lord again gave Adam a brief description and Adam went behind the bush with Eve.
Quite a few minutes later, Adam returned, smiling, and said, "Lord, that was even better than the kiss!"
And the Lord said, "You've done well, Adam. Now I want you to make love to Eve."
And Adam asked, "What is 'make love' Lord?"
So the Lord again gave Adam directions and Adam went again to Eve behind the bush, but this time he reappeared in two seconds.
And Adam said, "Lord, what is a 'headache'?"
Mexican Genie
A Mexican is strolling down the street in Mexico City and kicks a bottle lying in the street. Suddenly out of the bottle comes a Genie.The Mexican is stunned.
The Genie says,"Hello Master,I will grant you one wish, anything you want."
The Mexican begins thinking, "Well, I really like drinking tequila." Finally the Mexican says, "I wish to drink tequila whenever I want, so make me pee tequila."
The Genie grants him his wish.
When the Mexican gets home, he gets a glass out of the cupboard and pees in it. He looks at the glass and it's clear...looks like tequila. Then smells the liquid...smells like tequila. So he takes a taste, and it is the best tequila he has ever tasted.
The Mexican yells to his wife, "Consuelo, Consuelo, come quickly!"
She comes running down the hall, and the Mexican takes another glass out of the cupboard and fills it. He tells her to drink it. It is tequila.
Consuelo is reluctant but goes ahead and takes a sip. It is the best tequila she has ever tasted. The two drank and partied all night.
The next night the Mexican comes home from work and tells his wife to get two glasses out of the cupboard. He proceeds to fill the two glasses. The result is the same. The tequila is excellent, and the couple drinks until the sun comes up.
Finally, Friday night comes and the Mexican comes home from work and tells his wife, "Consuelo, grab one glass from the cupboard and we will drink Tequila." His wife gets the glass from the cupboard and sets it on the table.
The Mexican begins to fill the glass; and when he fills it, his wife asks him, "But Pancho, why do we need only one glass?"
Pancho raises the glass and says, "BECAUSE TONIGHT, MI AMOR, YOU DRINK FROM THE BOTTLE."
ARRIBA!!!!!!! ARRIBA!!!!!!!!
Kurt Metzger: Liposuction
I saw liposuction. You ever see how they do that? Its, like, violent. They get the hose -- it looks like theyre mad at how fat you are. Greg Giraldo: High Self-Esteem
If everyone grows up with high self-esteem, whos gonna dance in our strip clubs? A man was walking in the stree...
A man was walking in the street when he heard a voice: "Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step, a brick will fall down on your head and kill you."The man stopped and a big brick fell right in front of him. The man was astonished. He went on, and after awhile he was going to cross the road. Once again the voice shouted: "Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step a car will run over you and you will die."
The man did as he was instructed, just as a car came careening around the corner, barely missing him. "Where are you?" the man asked. "Who are you?"
"I am your guardian angel," the voice answered.
"Oh yeah?" the man asked... "And where the hell were you when I got married?"
An Air Canada plane leaves...
An Air Canada plane leaves Toronto's Pearson Airport under the control of a Jewish captain; his co-pilot is Chinese.
It's the first time they've flown together and an awkward silence between the two seemed to indicate a mutual dislike.
Once they reach cruising altitude, the Jewish captain activates the auto-pilot, leans back in his seat, and mutters, ‘I don't like Chinese.'
No rike Chinese?' asks the co-pilot, ‘why not?' ‘You people bombed Pearl Harbor, that's why!'
‘No, no', the co-pilot protests, ‘Chinese not bomb Peahl Hahbah! That Japanese, not Chinese.”
Japanese, Chinese, Vietnamese …doesn't matter, you're all alike!'
There's a few minutes of silence.
‘I no rike Jews!' the co-pilot suddenly announces.
‘Oh yeah, why not?' asks the captain.
‘Jews sink Titanic!' says the co-pilot.
‘What? You're insane! Jews didn't sink the Titanic!' exclaims the captain, ‘It was an iceberg!'
‘Iceberg, Goldberg, Greenberg, Rosenberg, …no mattah …all fukin same.’
There was once a great actor, ...
There was once a great actor, who had a problem. He could no longer remember his lines. Finally after many years he finds a theatre where they are prepared to give him a chance to shine again. The director says,"This is the most important part, and it has only one line. You must walk onto the stage carrying a rose, you must hold the rose with just one finger and your thumb to your nose, sniff the rose deeply and then say the line... 'Ah, the sweet aroma of my mistress.'" The actor is thrilled.All day long before the play he's practicing his line, over and over again. Finally the time came. The curtain went up, the actor walked onto the stage, and with great passion, he delivered the line; "Ah, the sweet aroma of my mistress".
The theatre erupted, the audience screamed with laughter... and the director was steaming! "You bloody fool!" he cried, "You have ruined me!"
The actor, quite bewildered, asked, "What happened, did I forget my line?" he asked.
"No!" the director screamed.... "You forgot the bloody rose!"
My lesbian neighbors gave me a...
My lesbian neighbors gave me a Rolex for my birthday. It's nice, but I think they misunderstood me when I said, "I wanna watch." 
