Jokes of the day for Tuesday, 04 April 2023
| Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Tuesday, 04 April 2023 |
Carrot jokes
It is International Carrot Day! Have a carrot!
What's orange and sounds like a parrot?
A carrot!
Why did the carrot get an award?
Because it was outstanding in its field!
Why do carrots never start a fight?
Because they always turnip the beet!
What do you call a carrot that insults other vegetables?
A veggie-taunter!
The Old Preacher
An old preacher was dying. He sent a message for his IRS agent and his lawyer, both church members, to come to his home. When they arrived, they were ushered up to his bedroom. As they entered the room, the preacher held out his hands and motioned for them to sit on each side of the bed. The preacher grasped their hands, sighed contentedly, smiled and stared at the ceiling. For a time, no one said anything. Both the IRS agent and the attorney were touched and flattered that the old preacher would ask them to be with him during his final moment. They were also puzzled because the preacher had never given any indication that he particularly liked either one of them.Finally, the lawyer asked, "Preacher, why did you ask the two of us to come?"The old preacher mustered up some strength, then said weakly, "Jesus died between two thieves, and that's how I want to go, too."Amish carriage....
While driving in Pennsylvania, a family caught up to an Amish carriage.
The owner of the carriage obviously had a sense of humor because attached to the back of the carriage was a hand-painted sign that read, "Energy efficient vehicle. Runs on oats and grass. CAUTION: Do not step on exhaust."
If you wear a bag over your he
If you wear a bag over your head today, it just ghost to show you…Improvements in Hell
An engineer died and ended up in Hell. He was not pleased with the level of comfort in Hell, and began to redesign and build improvements. After awhile, they had toilets that flush, air conditioning, and escalators. Everyone grew very fond of him.
One day God called to Satan to mock him, "So, how's it going down there in Hell?"
Satan replied, "Hey, things are great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next." God was surprised, "What? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake. He should never have gotten down there in the first place. Send him back up here."
"No way," replied Satan. "I like having an engineer, and I'm keeping him."
God threatened, "Send him back up here now or I'll sue!"
Satan laughed and answered, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"
I went to the shop the other d...
I went to the shop the other day. I was only in there for about 5 minutes and when I came out, there was a damn traffic officer writing a parking ticket for over-running the meter.So I went up to him and said,
"Come on, how about giving a man a break?"
He ignored me and continued writing the ticket.
So I called him a pencil-necked Nazi. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for also having parked partially on the pavement!!
So I called him a son of a mutant pig. He finished the second ticket and put it on the car with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket!!
This went on for about 20 minutes and the more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote. I didn't give a damn.
My car was parked around the corner...
A Bunny Story
Once upon a time there was a man who was peacefully driving down a windy road. Suddenly, a bunny skipped across the road and the man couldn't stop. He hit the bunny head on. The man quickly jumped out of his car to check the scene. There, lying lifeless in the middle of the road, was the Easter Bunny. The man cried out, "Oh no! I have committed a terrible crime! I have run over the Easter Bunny!" The man started sobbing quite hard and then he heard another car approaching. It was a woman in a red convertible. The woman stopped and asked what the problem was.The man explained, "I have done something horribly sad. I have run over the Easter Bunny. Now there will be no one to deliver eggs on Easter, and it's all my fault." The woman ran back to her car. A moment later, she came back carrying a spray bottle. She ran over to the motionless bunny and sprayed it. The bunny immediately sprang up, ran into the woods, stopped, and waved back at the man and woman. Then it ran another 10 feet, stopped, and waved. It then ran another 10 feet, stopped, and waved again. It did this over and over and over again until the man and the woman could no longer see the bunny. Once out of sight, the man exclaimed, "What is that stuff in that bottle?" The woman replied, "It's harespray. It revitalizes hare and adds permanent wave."
Facelift
This woman goes in for a facelift and the doctor says: "We've got this new method: I put a knob in the back of your head, and every time you feel like you need a lift, just turn it."
She gets the knob implanted and is beautiful for five years.
But one day she notices a problem and returns to the doctor.
"I've got these huge bags under my eyes," she complains.
The surgeon replies: "Those aren't bags; those are your breasts."
"Ah," she sighs. "That explains the goatee."
Why Do Frogs Like St. Patrick's Day?
Q: Why did St. Patrick drive all the snakes out of Ireland? A: He couldn't afford plane fare
Q: What do you call a fake stone in Ireland?
A: A sham rock
Q: Why do frogs like St. Patrick's Day?
A: Because they're always wearing green
Q: What does a leprechaun call a happy man wearing green?
A: A Jolly Green Giant
Q: What did one Irish ghost say to the other?
A: 'Top o' the moaning!
Q: How can you tell if an Irishman is having a good time?
A: He's Dublin over with laughter!
Knock, knock!
Who's there?
Irish.
Irish who?
Irish you a happy St. Patrick's Day!
International Jazz Day Jokes
April 30th is International Jazz Day! Check some related jokes:
St. Peter in Heaven is checking ID's. He asks a man, "What did you do on Earth?"
The man says, "I was a doctor."
St. Peter says, "Okay, go right through those pearly gates. Next! What did you do on Earth?"
"I was a school teacher."
"Go right through those pearly gates. Next! And what did you do on Earth?"
"I was a musician."
"Go around the side, up the freight elevator, through the kitchen….."
A jazz musician goes to the doctor to hear the results of a physical check up.
Doctor: I'm afraid I've got some bad news. You only have three weeks to live.
Musician: On what?
What's the difference between a rock guitarist and a jazz guitarist? The rock guitarist plays 3 chords for 1,000 people, the jazz guitarists plays 1,000 chords for 3 people.
PIANIST: "OK, I'll Remember April. First six bars in Ab. Bar 7 modulate down to F. Bar 12, back up to Ab but in 7/8."
SINGER: "That's crazy! I couldn't possibly do that!"
PIANIST: "You did last night . . . "
A couple goes to see a marriage counselor. They say their marriage is on the rocks because they never speak to each other.
The counselor tries to get them to talk, but they just sit there with their arms folded and their mouths closed.
So he pulls out his upright bass and starts taking a solo.
Instantly, the couple turns to each other and starts conversing for the first time in months.
Shocked by this, the couple asks the counselor: "How did you know that would work?"
"Simple," he says, "Everyone always talks during the bass solo."
What would you have to do to make a jazz musician feel bad about their playing?
Absolutely nothing.
#internationaljazzday
Three astronauts
Once upon a time Nasa decided to send three astronauts to space for 2 years.
NASA allowed each of them to take 200 pounds of baggage each.
The first astronaut decided to take along his wife, the second decided to take along books to learn how to speak German, while the third astronaut decided to take along cigarettes.
Two years later, when the space shuttle landed, there was a big crowd waiting to welcome them home.
First came the first astronaut and his wife and each of them had a baby in their arms.
Next, out came the second astronaut speaking fluent German.
They both gave their speeches and got a rousing applause.
Suddenly out came the third astronaut with a cigarette in his mouth.
He walked up to the podium and snarled to the crowd and asked, 'Has anyone got a friggin' match?'
I'm not saying let's go kill...
I'm not saying let's go kill all the stupid people. I'm just saying let's remove all the warning labels and let the problem work itself out. -------------------------------------------------
I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now.
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You can tell a lot about a woman's mood just looking at her hands. If they are holding a gun, she's probably angry.
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Gone are the days when girls used to cook like their mothers. Now they drink like their fathers.
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You know that tingly little feeling you get when you really like someone? That's common sense leaving your body.
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I don't like making plans for the day because then the word "premeditated" get's thrown around in the courtroom.
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I didn't make it to the gym today. That makes five years in a row
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I decided to change calling the bathroom the John and renamed it the Jim.
I feel so much better saying I went to the Jim this morning
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Dear paranoid people who check behind shower curtains for murderers; if you find one, what's your plan?
