Jokes of the day for Thursday, 25 May 2023
| Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Thursday, 25 May 2023 |
Becoming an expert
Becoming an expert nipple-tweaker is a trial-and-areola process.Happy Thursday with fresh new jokes
As a child, I was forced to walk the plank.
We couldn't afford a dog.
Where does a horse go when it gets sick?
To the horse-pital
Global warming will kill every single person on this planet
It's a good thing I'm married.
I asked my wife, "Do you think the cup is half full or half empty?"
She said, "Please for the love of God, could you stop wearing my bras!"
I answered the door this morning.
A 6ft beetle punched me in the face and called me a fat twat...
Apparently there's a nasty bug going round
What a day! The police came around and accused me of stealing my neighbours underwear...
I nearly shit her pants!
Private Grief
A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly departed mother and started back toward his car when his attention was diverted to another man kneeling at a grave. The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity and kept repeating, "Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die?"
The first man approached him and said, "Sir, I don't wish to interfere with your private grief, but this demonstration of pain is more than I've ever seen before. For whom do you mourn so deeply? A child? A parent?"
The mourner took a moment to collect himself, then replied, "My wife's first husband."
You've Given Me A Gift
At my friends' wedding reception, the groom stood to say a few words. He turned to his bride's mother. "You've given me a gift," he began, "a gift that..."
Here he paused in thought, whereupon his mother-in-law completed the sentence, "That you can't return!"
Hot Horseradish
A minister who was very fond of pure, hot horseradish always kept a bottle of it on his dining room table. Once, at dinner, he offered some to a guest, who took a big spoonful.The guest let out a huge gasp. When he was finally able to speak, he choked out, "I've heard many ministers preach hellfire, but you are the first one I've met who passes out a sample of it." Mom, what's sex?
A little boy returning home from his first day at school said to his mother, "Mom, what's sex?"
His mother, who believed in all the most modern educational theories, gave him a detailed explanation, covering all aspects of the tricky subject.
When she had finished, the little lad produced an enrollment form which he had brought home from school and said, "Yes, but how am I going to get all that into this one little square?"
Shane Mauss: Freak Accident
I went to a Six Flags. Theres this new ride there; I had to wait in line for, like, four hours to get on this thing. Finally got on it, it was fine enough. But then I see a couple of weeks later in the news, this girl goes on the exact same ride and, in some freak accident, her legs got lopped off at the knees. I was like, What a terrible thing to happen to all of those people waiting in line. If, by some incredible space-t...
If, by some incredible space-time paradox, Chuck Norris would ever fight himself, he'd win. Period.Planning WWIII
President Bush and Colin Powell are sitting in a bar.A guy walks in and asks the barman, "Isn't that Bush and Powell sitting over there?"
The barman says, "Yep, that's them."
So the guy walks over and says, "Wow, this is a real honor. What are you guys doing in here?"
Bush says, "We're planning WW III."
And the guy says, "Really? What's going to happen?"
Bush says, "Well, we're going to kill 140 million Iraqis this time and one blonde with big tits."
The guy exclaimed, "A blonde with big tits?" "Why kill a blonde with big tits?"
Bush turns to Powell and says, "See, I told you no one would worry about the 140 million Iraqis!"
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis
Mid Semester Final Exam
One night Jack Evans, along with his 3 university friends went out drinkinig till late night, as many college students are prone to do, and didn't study for their test, which, of course, was scheduled for the next day.
In the morning they thought of a plan. They made themselves look as dirty and weird as they could with grease and dirt.
They went up to the dean and explained that they had gone out to a wedding last night and on their return the tire of their car burst. They continued to explain how they had to push the car all the way back and that they were in no condition to appear for the test.
The dean, being a compassionate human being said that they could take the test after 3 days. The students graciously replied that they'd be ready by that time.
On the third day, they appeared before the dean. The dean explained that since this was a special test all four were required to sit in separate classrooms for the duration of the exam.
They all agreed as they had prepared well in the last three days. The test consisted of 5 questions with total of 100 points:
MID SEMESTER COURSEWORK EXAMINATION
INSTRUCTIONS : All questions are required. Any inconsistencies on any of the questions among the four students will result in all the candidates getting a zero mark.
Q.1. Write down your name. ----- (2 POINTS) Q.2. Write the name of the bride and groom at the wedding you attended. ----- (30 POINTS) Q.3. What type of a car were you driving? ------(20 POINTS) Q.4. Which tire burst? ------- (28 POINTS) Q.5. Who was driving? ------ (20 POINTS)
Brendon Walsh: Badge
The last job I had, I had to wear this badge around my neck all day -- like, a laminated badge. Its like a backstage pass to the crappiest concert ever invented.Working at a pickle factory
A man comes home from working at a pickle factory and he seems troubled. His wife asks him what's wrong and the man says, "Oh, nothing. I just... well... recently I've had an uncontrollable urge to put my penis in the pickle slicer."
His wife nearly faints, then she blurts out: "Why? You need to go see someone. I'm going to make an appointment with a therapist or someone tomorrow."
The man protests, "No, no. It's fine. Really. I'm not going to do it."
Everything is fine for a few weeks, but then the man comes home early from work and he's pale as a ghost. His wife inquires, "What's the matter? You look terrible!"
The husband tells her, "Well, remember when I said I wanted to put my penis in the pickle slicer?"
The wife gasps, "You did? What happened?"
The man starts to cry. "I got fired!"
"I don't care about that! Are you okay? What happened with the pickle slicer?"
The man sobs, "She got fired, too."
Plane lost both engines
A plane is flying over the Mediterranean.
A pilots voice comes on And says a terrible thing has happened.
We’ve lost both engines and we’re gonna have to land in the Mediterranean.
The plane will stay afloat for a very short time.
And we’ll be able to open the door just long enough that everyone can get out.
We have to do this in an orderly fashion.
Everyone that can swim just go to the right wing and stand there.
Everyone who can’t swim just go to the left wing and just stand there.
Those of you on the right wing you’ll find a little island it’s in the direction of the Sun about two miles off, and as the plane goes under just swim in an orderly fashion out and you’ll be fine.
And for those of you on the left wing…
I want to thank you for flying Air Italia.
A Golfer's Deal With the Devil
A golfer was having a tough day and in his frustration he blurted out, "I would give anything for a birdie on this hole." A nearby stranger walked out of the woods beside the hole and whispered, "If you give up one quarter of your sex life, I guarantee you will make this shot."The golfer said "OK." He made the shot for birdie.A few holes later, he was having trouble on another hole. "Please, let me make this for eagle" he said.Again, the stranger stepped up to him and said, "If you give up another quarter of your sex life, you will make eagle.""You're on," the golfer said, and made the shot for eagle.On the eighteenth hole, the golfer needed an eagle to win. The stranger again stepped up and said "If you give up the last half of your sex life, you will make eagle to win.""OK," the golfer said, and made his shot for eagle, winning the round.As he was walking back to the clubhouse, the stranger walked up beside him and said, "I think I should inform you that I am the Devil, and from now on you will have no sex life."The golfer turned to him, smiled, and said, "Nice to meet you, my name is Father O'Malley!"
