Jokes of the day for Friday, 26 May 2023
| Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Friday, 26 May 2023 |
Happy Friday with fresh new jokes
I poured root beer in a square glass.Now I just have beer.
Why can’t you explain puns to kleptomaniacs?
They always take things literally.
A traveling salesman offered me a deal on a coffin
I told him that's the last thing I need
Yesterday I saw a guy spill all his Scrabble letters on the road.
I asked him, “What’s the word on the street?"
I got my daughter a fridge for her birthday.
I can’t wait to see her face light up when she opens it.
Yesterday, I farted in the Apple Store and everyone got upset at me.
It’s not my fault they don’t have Windows…
San Francisco isn't just funny,
It's hill areas.
Police investigation
A lady dies and the police finds out she was the madam at an illegal brothel They find her black book of workers and clients so they assign Bill, an older, widowed detective to talk to the women to find out more about the operation. They figure as an older man Bill won't be as enticed as younger detectives by the pretty young women.
A few weeks into the investigation Bill goes to his supervisor and says he needs to be relieved of the case because of a conflict of interest. The supervisor asks what he means.
"Well," Bill says, "All was going well and I was getting good info from the girls, but then the last woman in the book was Cindy, a sweet, beautiful and funny 59 year old. We met a couple of times and to make a long story short, we started dating and have now become an item."
The supervisor looks at Bill and says "I can't believe it Bill. Thirty eight years on the job, 2 years away from retirement, and you fell for the oldest trick in the book."
Funny video of the day - Dad Jokes | Grad Jokes!
Not Talking To Me
Me to the postman: This empty envelope must be from my sister Charlotte.
Postman: Now why would she send you an empty envelope?
Me: We had an argument, and she's not talking to me..
Hymns By Word Association
A minister decided to do something a little different one Sunday morning. He said, "Today, in church, I am going to say a single word and you are going to help me preach. Whatever single word I say, I want you to sing whatever hymn comes to your mind."The pastor shouted out, "Cross!" Immediately the congregation started singing, in unison, "The Old Rugged Cross." The pastor hollered out, "Grace!" The congregation began to sing "Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound..." The pastor said, "Power." The congregation sang "There Is Power in the Blood." The Pastor said, "Sex." The congregation fell in total silence. Everyone was in shock. They all nervously began to look around at each other, afraid to say anything. Then all of a sudden, way from in the back of the church, a little old 87-year-old grandmother stood up and began to sing "Precious Memories." TOP TEN SIGNS YOU HIRED THE WRONG KID TO MOW YOUR LAWN
10.He shows up with a pair of nail clippers and a Ziploc bag9. On the side of his mower you notice the stenciled silhouettes of thirteen cats
8. Stops frequently to nap inside the grass-catcher
7. Always trying to impress you by stopping the mower blades with his head
6. You notice him shoving the last of his clothes into the mulcher
5. He's fascinated by the details of you home security system
4. Stops every couple of minutes to smoke some clippings
3. Somehow manages to mow the hood ornament off your Lexus
2. Turns a goat loose and says he'll be back in three weeks
1. No toes
Volunteer fire department
A fire started on some grasslands near a farm. The county fire department was called to put out the fire. The fire was more than the county fire department could handle. Someone suggested that a nearby volunteer bunch be called. Despite some doubt that the volunteer outfit would be of any assistance, the call was made.
The volunteers arrived in a dilapidated old fire truck. They rumbled straight towards the fire, drove right into the middle of the flames and stopped! The firemen jumped off the truck and frantically started spraying water in all directions. Soon they had snuffed out the center of the fire, breaking the blaze into two easily-controlled parts.
Watching all this, the farmer was so impressed with the volunteer fire department's work and was so grateful that his farm had been spared, that right there on the spot he presented the volunteers with a check for $1,000. A local news reporter asked the volunteer fire captain what the department planned to do with the funds.
"That ought to be obvious," he responded, wiping ashes off his coat. "The first thing we're gonna do is get the brakes fixed on our fire truck!"
Life insurance premiums are ba...
Life insurance premiums are based on how far you live from Chuck Norris.Little Miss Muffet sat on her ...
Little Miss Muffet sat on her tuffet, until Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked her into a glacier.Girls Night Out...
The other night, I was invited out for a night with "the girls." I told my husband that I would be home by midnight. "I promise," were my last words.
The hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easily and around 3 a.m. we piled into a cab and headed to our respective homes, quite inebriated.
Just as I walked through the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times!
Realizing that my husband would probably wake up to this, I quickly cuckooed another 9 times. I was quit pleased with myself for coming up with such a quick witted solution to cover up my tardiness. Even with my impaired judgment, I could count 3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos equaled 12 cuckoos!
The next morning, my husband asked me what time I got in, and confidently, I replied, "Midnight...like I promised." He didn't even raise and eyebrow and went on reading the morning paper! Phew! Got away with that one!
After a moment, he then replied, "I think we might need a new cuckoo clock."
A bit nervously, I asked him why, to which he responded:
"Well, last night our clock cuckooed 3 times, then said, 'Oh, crap,' cuckooed 4 more times, cleared it's throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, then tripped over the coffee table and farted."
Fuzz
Phillip and Phoebe are parked in Lover's Lane.He embraces her with one arm, and begins to explore with the other hand. Looking over her shoulder, he sees a policeman approaching.
"Awwwww Hell !" he murmured, "Fuzz !"
"What did ya expect ?" Phoebe sez, "A perm?"
Rory Scovel: Strip Club
Some friends wanted to go to a strip club. I said, No thanks, its not for me; I dont really enjoy doing it. They said, Well at this strip club you can touch the girls while they dance on you. And I said, Then lets go do that. YOU know you need a Different Lawyer ...
YOU know you need a Different Lawyer when ......* You met him in prison.
* During your initial consultation he tries to sell you Amway.
* He tells you that his last good case was a Budweiser.
* When the prosecutors see who your lawyer is, they high-five each other.
* He picks the jury by playing "duck-duck-goose."
* He tells you that he's never told a lie.
* He asks a hostile witness to "pull my finger."
* A prison guard is shaving your head.
Abe and Esther are flying to ...
Abe and Esther are flying to Australia for a two-week vacation to celebrate their 40th anniversary. Suddenly, over the public address system the Captain announced, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am afraid I have some very bad news. Our engines have ceased functioning and we will attempt an emergency landing. Luckily, I see an uncharted island below us and we should be able to land on the beach. However, the odds are that we may never be rescued and will have to live on the island for the rest of our lives!"Thanks to the skill of the flight crew, the plane lands safely on the island. An hour later Abe turns to his wife and asks, "Esther, did we pay our $5,000 PBS pledge check yet?"
"No, sweetheart," she responds.
Abe, still shaken from the crash landing, then asks, "Esther, did we pay our American Express card yet?"
"Oh, no! I'm sorry. I forgot to send the check," she says.
"One last thing, Esther. Did you remember to send checks for the Visa and MasterCard this month?" he asks.
"Oh, forgive me, Abie," begged Esther, "I didn't send that one, either."
Abe grabs her and gives her the biggest kiss in 40 years.
Esther pulls away and asks, "What was that for?"
Abe answers, "They'll find us!"
