Jokes of the day for Thursday, 15 June 2023

I can never remember if all of

I can never remember if all of Louis XVI's relatives were guillotined too. Let's not split heirs.

Few more Dad jokes

Dad jokes are here.
Third Sunday of June is Father's Day.
Do the math.

I've opened a restaurant called "Peace And Quiet."
Kids meals only $150

What do you call a pencil with two erasers?
Pointless!

Why are pupils are the last part of your body to stop working when you die?
They dilate.

What is the most popular time for a dentist appointment?
2:30

What do you call cheese that isn't yours?
Nacho cheese.

Did you hear about that person who was afraid of jumping a hurdle?
They got over it.

Why are elevator jokes so good?
They work on many levels!

Why did the computer get mad at the printer?
Because it didn't like its toner voice.

Why did the broom decide to go to bed?
It was very sweepy.

Why are nurses always running out of red crayons?
Because they often have to draw blood.

Why was the woman afraid for the calendar?
Its days were numbered.

What did the police officer say to his belly-button?
You're under a vest.

Why did the coffee go to the police?
To report a mugging.

Why is Peter Pan always flying?
Because he Neverlands.

Another 14 Dad jokes, be ready for Father's Day

Get your Dad jokes ready on time! Third Sunday of June is Father's Day, have fun with these!

1. Scientists say that one day, it may be possible to live on Mars.
I tried it for a month, gained nearly 3 stone in weight and developed type 2 diabetes!

2. I think I want a job cleaning mirrors.
I could really see myself doing it.

3. What did the kid Pirate say to the Mom Pirate?
Arrrn’t you glad you met Dad?

4. How do astronomers organise a party?
They planet!

5. I made a soup entirely from ingredients extracted from the atmosphere…
It was a broth of fresh air!

6. When does a regular joke become a dad joke?
When it becomes apparent.

7. It wasn’t much fun when I broke my neck last year.
But now I can look back and laugh.

8. Anyone remember that chiropractor joke I shared?
It was about a weak back.

9. I recently visited the "World's Tiniest Wind Turbine" exhibit.
Honestly, not a big fan.

10. I can’t bring my dog to the pond anymore. The ducks keep attacking him.
Guess that’s what I get for getting a pure bread dog.

11. I only seem to get sick on weekdays.
I must have a weekend immune system.

12. What did the triangle say to the circle?
You’re pointless.

13. Hey, Dad, did you get a haircut?
Nope, I got them all cut

14. Where do pigs like to relax?
In hammocks

My Boss Won't Stop Flirting

My boss won't stop flirting with me.
It makes me incredibly uncomfortable.
Mainly because we're a family run business.

Flea for Your Life

A father was reading Bible stories to his young son. He read, “The man named Lot was warned to take his life and flee out of the city, but his wife looked back and was turned to salt.”His son asked, “But what happened to the flea?”

Olive

A blonde was hunched over the bar, toothpick in hand, spearing futilely at the olive in her drink. A dozen times the olive eluded her. Finally, another patron, who had been watching intently from the next stool, became exasperated and grabbed the toothpick.
"Here, this is how you do it." he said, as he easily skewered the olive.
"Big Deal," muttered the blonde. "I already had him so tired out, he couldn't get away."      

Makin' babies...

A second grader came home from school and said to her mother, "Mom, guess what? We learned how to make babies today."

The mother, more than a little surprised, asked fearfully, "That's interesting. How do you make babies?"

"It's simple," replied the girl. "You just change 'y' to 'i' and add 'es'."

Macgyver can build an airplane...

Macgyver can build an airplane out of gum and paper clips, but Chuck Norris can kill him and take it.

Shooting The Bull

Two hunters went moose hunting every winter without success. Finally, they came up with a foolproof plan. They got a very authentic female moose costume and learned the mating call of a female moose. The plan was to hide in the costume, lure the bull, then come out of the costume and shoot the bull. They set themselves up on the edge of a clearing, donned their costume and began to give the moose love call. Before long, their call was answered as a bull came crashing out of the forest and into the clearing. When the bull was close enough, the guy in front said, "Okay, let's get out and get him." After a moment that seemed like an eternity, the guy in the back shouted, "The zipper is stuck! What are we going to do?" The guy in the front says, "Well, I'm going to start nibbling grass, but you'd better brace yourself."

Jonathan Corbett: Retired Father

My dad is retired now, and he moved to Florida. And its really great to be able to finally go down and visit him now that hes finally able to do those things in life that hes always wanted to do, which apparently is start drinking at noon and then head on out to buy me ugly shirts.

Vic Henley: Soccer Heckling

All the British fans start singing to the German fans, If you won the war, stand up! Right, I think this is the greatest thing Ive ever heard at a sporting event because theres no snappy comeback for that, is there?

Recalled Chrstimas Toys

Recalled Christmas Toys

1. Broken Bag-O-Glass
   
   
2. Dr. Kevorkian First Aid Kit
   
   
3. Jeffrey Domhers Easy Bake oven and cookbook
   
   
4. Timothy McVays home Chemistry set
   
   
5. Switchblade Barney
   
   
6. Pork-n-Beany Babies
   
   
7. Make your own moonshine kit
   
   
8. Mike Tyson Doll (with ear biting action)
   
   

Carlos Mencia: Super-Fence

You know what they said in California? I saw it on C-Span -- people we vote for -- this is what they said, I propose that we kick all of the illegal aliens out of this country. Then we build a super-fence so they cant get back in. And I went, Um, whos gonna build it?

Bribe

Taking his seat in his chambers, the judge faced the opposing lawyers.

"So," he said, "I have been presented, by both of you, with a bribe."

Both lawyers squirmed uncomfortably.

"You, attorney Leon, gave me $15,000. And you, attorney Campos, gave me $10,000."

The judge reached into his pocket and pulled out a check. He handed it to Leon. "Now then, I'm returning $5,000, and we're going to decide this case solely on its merits!"

Two Women at the Pearly Gates

Two women are new arrivals at the pearly gates and are comparing stories on how they died.
Woman #1: I froze to death.
Woman #2: How horrible!
Woman #1: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm and sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?
Woman #2: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.
Woman #1: So what happened?
Woman #2: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died!
Woman #1: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer. We'd both still be alive.