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Jokes of the day for Monday, 19 June 2023

Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Monday, 19 June 2023

Scared Dad

Two kids are arguing over whose father is the biggest scaredy-cat.
The first kid says, "My dad is so scared that when lightning strikes, he hides underneath the bed."

The second kid replies,"Yeah? Well, that's nothing. My dad is so scared that when my mom has to work the nightshift, he sleeps with the lady next door."

Joke | Source: Jokes of the Day - Originally taken from site that work no more - Get Frank - NZ's Online Men's Lifestyle Magazine for Fashion, Health, Lifestyle, Recreation Articles & Reviews, Funny jokes and photos updated daily
  • Currently 9.07/10

Rating: 9.1/10 (15)

Fresh short jokes and puns

I suffer from kleptomania.
But when it gets really bad, I take something for it.

What did the duck say after she bought ChapStick?
Put it on my bill!

I’ve been bored recently, so I decided to take up fencing.
The neighbors keep demanding that I put it back.

RIP boiled water
you will be mist

What do Broad Street sprinters eat before a race?
Nothing.
They fast!

Why did the pony get sent to his room?
He wouldn’t stop horsing around!

What did one plate say to the other?
Dinner is on me!

What did the buffalo say to his son when he dropped him off at school?
"Bison!"

Can February March?
No, but April May.

I’m writing a book about glue.
I’m stuck on the first chapter.

I’m so good at sleeping,
I can do it with my eyes closed.

Why are spiders so smart?
They can find everything on the web.

Knock, knock. Who’s there?
Theodore.
Theodore who?
Theodore wasn’t opened so I knocked!

#joke #animal #buffalo #food #dinner
Joke | Source: Jokes of The Day - By Jokes of the day visitor
  • Currently 9.29/10

Rating: 9.3/10 (7)

Dad jokes to use for Father's Day, or after if you forgot

Too late for this year, but it is good to know you can give the gift of dad jokes next Father's Day. Here are just a few.

This girl asked me why I had an unlit cigarette in my tinder photo.
Well I told her that I’m looking for a match.

Math? I can tolerate algebra and calculus ...
but geometry is where I draw the line.

What kind of music do chiropractors like?
Hip pop.

I like telling Dad jokes …
sometimes he laughs.

Sundays are always a little sad,
but the day before is a sadder day.

What kind of dog does a magician have?
A Labracadabrador!

What did the mama cow say to the calf?
It’s pasture bedtime!

What do you call an illegally parked frog in Philly?
Toad!

What do you get when you cross a rabbit with shellfish?
An oyster bunny!

What is it with people that won't embrace modern technology...
Answers on a postcard please!

Be thankful it's not snowing...
Imagine shovelling snow in this heat!

#joke #animal #dog #rabbit #bunny #frog #cow #father
Joke | Source: John Chris - Funny jokes collected from all around
  • Currently 9.29/10

Rating: 9.3/10 (7)

I Got Arrested

I got arrested today for walking out of an art museum with a painting.
I’m just so confused because earlier when I asked the security if I could take a picture, they said “yes.”

#joke #short
Joke | Source: A joke a day - Free Jokes of the Day Clean Funny Jokes via Email, Humor and Entertainment
  • Currently 9.64/10

Rating: 9.6/10 (14)

One of Life's Lessons

While preaching about forgiving ones enemies, the preacher asked for a show of hands of those who were willing to forgive their enemies. About half of the congregation raised their hands. The minister continued his lection and again asked for a show of hands. This time, 80 percent of his congregation raised their hands. Not giving up, the minister continued for fifteen more minutes. When he again asked for a show of hands, all members—except one—raised their hands."Mr. Jones,” asked the minster, “are you not willing to forgive your enemies?”"I don't have any.”Mr. Jones, that is very unusual. I know you are 86-years-old. Would you please come down to the front and explain to all of us how you have lived so long without making a single enemy in the world?”Mr. Jones teetered to the front and briefly explained, “Its easy. Ive outlived every one of them.”
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Tuesday, 17 January 2023
  • Currently 8.47/10

Rating: 8.5/10 (15)

If you love something....

If you love something, set it free.

If it comes back, it will always be yours.

If it doesn't come back, it was never yours to begin with.

But, if it just sits in your living room, messes up your stuff, eats your food, uses your telephone, takes your money, and doesn't appear to realize you set it free...

You either married it or gave birth to it.

#joke #food
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 13 July 2017
  • Currently 8.56/10

Rating: 8.6/10 (16)

Lunch restaurants make me emot...

Lunch restaurants make me emotional. I get all cafe teary-eyed .
#joke #short #food #lunch
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 02 June 2011
  • Currently 3.75/10

Rating: 3.8/10 (8)

He who lives by the sword, die...

He who lives by the sword, dies by the sword. He who lives by Chuck Norris, dies by the roundhouse kick.
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 19 June 2011
  • Currently 2.42/10

Rating: 2.4/10 (52)

Send me your ...

The wife, being a romantic at heart, decided one day that she’d send her husband a text while she was out having coffee with a friend. She texted:

If you are sleeping, send me your dreams.
If you are laughing, send me your smile.
If you are eating, send me a bite.
If you are drinking, send me a sip.
If you are crying, send me your tears.
I love you.

The husband, being a no-nonsense sort of guy, texted back:

I’m on the toilet.
Please advise.

#joke #food #eating #drinks #coffee
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Friday, 19 June 2020
  • Currently 9.09/10

Rating: 9.1/10 (45)

Death In The Family

One day, a blonde's neighbor goes over to her house, sees the blonde crying, and asks her what happened.

The blonde said that her mother had passed away.

The neighbor made her some coffee and calmed her down a little and then left.

The next day the neighbor went back over to the house and found the blonde crying again.

She asked her why she was crying this time.

The blonde said, "I just got off of the phone with my sister. Her mother died too!"

#joke #blonde #drinks #coffee #mother
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 19 June 2011
  • Currently 6.55/10

Rating: 6.5/10 (44)

Mad Dog!

What do you call a dog that hears voices?
A Shih-Tzu-Phrenic!

Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 19 June 2013
  • Currently 3.97/10

Rating: 4.0/10 (38)

A Heavenly Welcome

A contractor dies in a car accident on his 40th birthday and finds himself at the Pearly Gates. A brass band is playing, the angels are singing a beautiful hymn, there is a huge crowd cheering and shouting his name, and absolutely everyone wants to shake his hand.
Just when he thinks things can't possibly get any better, Saint Peter himself runs over, apologizes for not greeting him personally at the Pearly Gates, shakes his hand, and says, "Congratulations son, we've been waiting a long time for you."
Totally confused and a little embarrassed, the contractor sheepishly looks at Saint Peter and says "Saint Peter, I tried to lead a God-fearing life, I loved my family, I tried to obey the 10 Commandments, but congratulations for what? I honestly don't remember doing anything really special when I was alive.""Congratulations for what?" says Saint Peter, totally amazed at the man's modesty. "We're celebrating the fact that you lived to be 160 years old! God himself wants to see you!" The contractor is awestruck and can only look at Saint Peter with his mouth wide open. When he regains his power of speech, he looks up at Saint Peter and says "Saint Peter, I lived my life in the eternal hope that when I died I would be judged by God and be found to be worthy, but I only lived to be forty."
"That's simply impossible son," says Saint Peter. "We've added up your time sheets."

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Saturday, 19 June 2010
  • Currently 4.78/10

Rating: 4.8/10 (36)

Of all my books, my...

“Of all my books, my favorite is the one I received last Christmas. There is no tome like the present.”

Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 23 January 2017
  • Currently 4.67/10

Rating: 4.7/10 (6)

I've taken up photography

I've taken up photography because it's the only hobby where you can shoot people and cut their heads off without going to jail.
#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 01 November 2015
  • Currently 7.50/10

Rating: 7.5/10 (2)

Tom Hanks Memoir

When Tom Hanks writes his memoir it should be called...
"T. Hanks - For the Memories"

#joke #short
Joke | Source: A joke a day - Free Jokes of the Day Clean Funny Jokes via Email, Humor and Entertainment
  • Currently 8.44/10

Rating: 8.4/10 (9)

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