Jokes of the day for Tuesday, 20 June 2023

Selection of recent Dad jokes and puns

When does a sandwich cook?
When it is bakin' lettuce and tomato.

Why did the smart phone need glasses?
It lost all its contacts.

What state has the smallest drinks?
Mini-soda.

Why did the cow cross the road?
They wanted to go to the mooooovies.

What do you call a funky car?
Mustang.

What did the hammer say to his homeboys?
Nailed it.

Why are cats good at video games?
Because they have nine lives.

What do you call a deer with no eyes?
No idea.

What is big and green and falls off over the tree will kill you?
A snooker table.

What did the French guy do when he drank too much water?
He went oui oui in his pants.

Where do pencils spend their vacation?
Pencil-Vania.

What do flies eat for breakfast?
A bowl of poop loops.

Why did the balloon go near the needle?
He wanted to be a pop star.

What did the duck do when he read all these jokes?
He quacked up.

Why was the tomato all red?
It saw the salad dressing.

What do you call a female magician in the dessert?
A sand witch.

How do billboards talk?
Sign language.

I hurt my foot driving the other day. You know what I called?
The toe company.

What does a dinosaur use to pay bills?
Tyrannosaurus checks.

20 of the most groan-worthy Dad jokes

What do you call a bear with no socks on?
Bare foot.

What button is impossible to unbutton?
The belly button.

What did Michael Jackson call his denim store?
Billie Jeans.

What is invisible and smells of worms?
A bird's fart.

What do you call a Minecraft celebration?
A block party.

Who is the best Kung Fu vegetable?
Brocco-Lee.

What do you call a rabbit who is angry over getting burnt?
A hot cross bunny.

What did the butt say to the other butt?
PTTTTT.

What's orange and sounds like a parrot?
A carrot.

Why couldn't the toilet paper cross the road?
He got stuck in a crack.

What's round and sounds like a trumpet?
A crumpet.

What do you call a sleeping dinosaur?
A dino‐SNORE.

What do you call a man with a spade on his head?
Dug.

What kind of hair do they sell at IHOP?
Eggstensions.

What do you call an Asian man who always has correct change?
Exact Lee.

What do you call an apple that farts?
A fruity Tooty.

What is the best day to cook?
FRY-DAY.

What did the horse say when it fell?
GIDDYUP!

What do you receive when you ask a lemon to help?
Lemon aid

Why can’t you give Elsa a balloon?
Because she will let it go.

Texas Traffic

I was on vacation in Texas, and was appalled by Dallas' chaotic traffic.
I asked the bellhop at the hotel why it was so disorderly.
"In some countries, they drive on the right, in others on the left. Here, we drive in the shade."

Scared Dad

Two kids are arguing over whose father is the biggest scaredy-cat.
The first kid says, "My dad is so scared that when lightning strikes, he hides underneath the bed."

The second kid replies,"Yeah? Well, that's nothing. My dad is so scared that when my mom has to work the nightshift, he sleeps with the lady next door."

Biblical Financiers

Q. Who was the greatest financier in the Bible?
A. Noah. He was floating his stock while everyone else was in liquidation.

Q. Who was the greatest female financier in the Bible?
A. Pharaoh's daughter.
She went down to the bank of the Nile and drew out a little prophet.

Relatives of yours?

A young couple drove several miles down a country road, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument, and neither wanted to concede their position.

As they passed a barnyard of mules and pigs, the husband sarcastically asked, "Are they relatives of yours?"

"Yes," his wife replied. "I married into the family."

I can't help but stare a...

I can't help but stare at large mansions, especially since my wife always tells me to watch my manors.

dumb blondes

10 blondes and 1 brunette were mountain climbing one day. so they were climbing and they got into trouble at a spot one of them had to give up there life so they could continue on so the brunette said i'll do it so you girls can go on so she jumped to the jagged rocks below (ouch) the dumb blondes felt sorry for the brunette so they jumped of to

THE END

A tough looking group of hairy...

A tough looking group of hairy bikers are riding when they see a girl about to jump off a bridge, so they stop. The leader, a big burly man, gets off his bike and says, "What are you doing?" "I'm going to commit suicide," she says. While he doesn’t want to appear insensitive, he also doesn’t want to miss an opportunity, so he asks, "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a kiss?" She does, and it is a long, deep, lingering kiss. After she's finished, the tough, hairy biker says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I’ve ever had! That's a real talent you’re wasting. You could be famous. Why are you committing suicide?" "My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl…"

Dan Cummins: Greeting Card Writer

I dont just write jokes. You know what Im best at? Greeting cards. Im a really good greeting card writer. And Im going to prove it with a little sample of my work Im going to share for you: As each day passes, you grow older, weaker. Ive been working out. Revenge is near. Happy Fathers Day

Zach Galifianakis: Waking Up With an Erection

Guys, have you ever woken up with an erection, and then you realize youre just in a massage chair in a Brookstone?

News headlines 04

Man Minus Ear Waives Hearing

New Vaccine May Contain Rabies

Deaf College Opens Doors to Hearing

Arson Suspect is Held in Massachusetts Fire

Enfields Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide

Air Head Fired

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge

Bank Drive-in Window Blocked by Board

Deer Kill 17,000

Old School Pillars are Replaced by Alumni

War Dims Hope for Peace

Looking Into Their Eyes

A policeman pulls a man over for speeding and asks him to get out of the car. After looking the man over he says, "Sir, I couldn't help but notice your eyes are bloodshot. Have you been drinking?"
The man gets really indignant and says, "Officer, I couldn't help but notice your eyes are glazed. Have you been eating doughnuts?"

A stranger's advice

A guy was standing in a bar when a stranger walks in. 

After a while they get to talking and at about 10:30 PM the second guy says, "Oh well,I better get home.My wife doesn't like me to stay out during late night." 

The first guy replies, "I'll help you out of this. Just do what I say. Go home. Sneak into the bedroom. Pull back the covers. Get down between her legs then lick, lick and lick for about 20 minutes and there will be no complaints in the morning." 

The guy agrees to try that and continues drinking with him for two more hours before heading home to give it a try. 

When he got home, the house was pitch black. He sneaks upstairs into the bedroom, pulled back the covers and proceeded to lick for 20 minutes. The bed was like a swamp so he decided to wash his face. 

As he walked into the bathroom, his wife was sitting on the toilet. 

Seeing her he screamed, "What the hell are you doing in here?!" 

"Quiet!", she exclaimed. "You'll wake my mother."

Chinese takeaway

I ordered a Chinese takeaway from a local place, just been to pick it up and as I was driving home, I heard the bags rustling and moving!!

I thought what on Earth is that. Has something got in the bag? I thought I could see a little pair of eyes peering out at me.

I was driving so I leaned forward, picked up the bag, put it on the passenger seat and there it was again, more rustling and little eyes looking out from behind the prawn crackers.

I thought it’s got to be a rat or a mouse or something, so I carefully pulled the bag down ...

And there it was ...

... A Peking Duck!

Image by piyalis14 from Pixabay

Joke found on https://www.theanswerbank.co.uk/Phrases-and-Sayings/Jokes/Question1467998.html posted by Butterbun on Sun 10th Jan 2016, alternative versions exist on many other joke sites