Jokes of the day for Saturday, 05 August 2023
| Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Saturday, 05 August 2023 |
Transportation Prayers
I'm not saying that I'm a bad driver...
But when I drive, my navigation device doesn't speak, it prays in Latin.
If College Students Wrote the Bible:
The Ten Commandments would actually be only five, double-spaced and written in a large font.Paul's letter to the Romans would become Paul's email to abuse@romans.gov.Reason Cain killed Abel: They were roommates.Reason Moses and followers walked in the desert for 40 years: They didn't want to ask directions and look like freshmen.Instead of God creating the world in six days and resting on the seventh, He would have put it off until the night before it was due and then pulled an all-nighter.A Royal Pain in the ...
A big-shot businessman had to spend a couple of days in the hospital. He was a royal pain to the nurses because he bossed them around just like he did his employees.
None of the hospital staff wanted to have anything to do with him. The head nurse was the only one who could stand up to him.
She came into his room and announced, "I have to take your temperature." After complaining for several minutes, he finally settled down, crossed his arms and opened his mouth.
"No, I'm sorry," the nurse stated, "but for this reading, I cannot use an oral thermometer."
This started another round of complaining, but eventually he rolled over and bared his rear end. After feeling the nurse insert the thermometer, he heard her announce, "I have to get something. Now you stay JUST LIKE THAT until I get back."
She left the door to his room open on her way out. He cursed under his breath as he heard people walking past his door, laughing.
After almost an hour, the man's doctor came into the room.
"What's going on here?" asked the doctor.
Angrily, the man answered, "What's the matter, Doc?" Haven't you ever seen someone having his temperature taken before?"
After a pause, the doctor confessed with a suppressed laugh in his voice, "Well, no, I guess I haven't. Not with a carnation, anyway!"
Too Much Time at the
Starting the day with a conversation between a wife and a husband who happens to be a software engineer. Husband : (Returning late from work) "Good Evening Dear, I'm now logged in."
Wife : Have you brought the grocery? Husband : Bad command or filename.
Wife : But I told you in the morning Husband : Erroneous syntax. Abort?
Wife : What about my new TV? Husband : Variable not found ...
Wife : At least, give me your Credit Card, I want to do some shopping. Husband : Sharing Violation. Access denied...
Wife : Do you love me or do you only love computers or are you just being funny? Husband : Too many parameters ...
Wife : It was a great mistake that I married an idiot like you. Husband : Data type mismatch.
Wife : You are useless. Husband : It's by Default.
Wife : What about your Salary? Husband : File in use ... Try after some time.
Wife : What is my value in the family. Husband : Unknown Virus
Chuck Norris can squeeze orang...
Chuck Norris can squeeze orange juice out of a lemon.Michael Ian Black: Jewish Summer Camps
What you find is that most Jewish camps have Indian names, and I think I understand why. First of all, Camp Nagiwa or Camp Apache -- that sounds a lot more fun than Camp Jewy Jew, right? Thats just more fun. Also, I think Jews can relate to people who are rounded up and put in places where they didnt want to be. For 25 Cents
One night, Murphy was walking home when, all of a sudden, a thief jumped on him. Murphy and the thief began to wrestle. They rolled about on the ground and Murphy put up a tremendous fight. However, the thief managed to get the better of him and pinned him to the ground.The thief then went through Murphy's pockets and searched him. All the thief could find on Murphy was 25 cents.
The thief was so surprised at this that he asked Murphy why he had bothered to fight so hard for 25 cents.
“Was that all you wanted?” Murphy replied, “I thought you were after the five hundred dollars I've got in me shoe!”
Girlfriend to wife
Last year I upgraded Girlfriend 1.0 to Wife 1.0 and noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. No mention of this phenomenon was included in the product brochure.In addition, Wife 1.0 installs itself into all other programs and launches during system initialization where it monitors all other system activity.
Applications such as Pokernight 10.3 and Beerbash 2.5 no longer run, crashing the system whenever selected. I cannot seem to purge Wife 1.0 from my system.
I am thinking about going back to Girlfriend 1.0 but un-install does not work on this program. Can you help me?
- Mr I N Distress
Dear I N Distress,
This is a very common problem men complain about but is mostly due to a primary misconception.
Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 1.0 to Wife 1.0 with the idea that Wife 1.0 is merely a "UTILITIES & ENTERTAINMENT" program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and designed by its creator to run everything.
WARNING DO NOT TRY TO un-install, delete, or purge the program from the system once installed. Trying to un-install Wife 1.0 can be disastrous.
You can not go back to Girlfriend 1.0 because Wife 1.0 is not designed to do this. Some have tried to install Girlfriend 2.0 or Wife 2.0 but end up with more problems than the original system.
Look in your manual under Warnings-Alimony/Child Support. Others have tried to run Girlfriend 2.0 in the background, while Wife 1.0 is running. Eventually Wife 1.0 detects the presence of Girlfriend 2.0 and a system conflict occurs, this can lead to a non-recoverable system crash.
Some users have tried to download similar products such as Fling and 1NiteStand. Often their systems have become infected with a virus.
I recommend you keep Wife 1.0 and just deal with the situation. Having Wife 1.0 installed myself, I might also suggest you read the entire section regarding General Protection Faults (GPFs).
You must assume all responsibility for faults and problems that might occur. The best course of action will be to push the apologize button then reset button as soon as lock-up occurs.
The system will run smooth as long as you take the blame for all GPFs. Wife 1.0 is a great program but is very high maintenance.
Suggestions for improved operation of Wife 1.0
-Monthly use utilities such as TLC and FTD
-Frequently use Communicator 5.0
With best wishes,
Tech Support.
Submitted by calamjo
Edited by Tantilazing
Balcony Life
Bill and Marla decided that the only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie with their 10-year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony and order him to report on all the neighborhood activities.
The boy began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation. "There's a car being towed from the parking lot,"
he said. "An ambulance just drove by." A few moments passed.
"Looks like the Anderson's have company," he called out. "Matt`s riding a new bike and the Coopers are having sex."
Mom and dad shot up in bed. "How do you know that?" the startled father asked.
"Their kid is standing out on the balcony too," his son replied.
Judge Has Some Fun
A judge grew tired of seeing the same town drunk in front of his bench. One day the judge glared down at the man, who was still intoxicated, and thundered "It is the sentence of this court that you be taken from here to a place of execution and there hanged by the neck until DEAD."The drunk promptly fainted.
The court bailiff commenced to reviving the man, and looked up at the judge, at which time the judge shrugged and responded "I've always wanted to do that."
An opening joke...
Not too long ago a large seminar was held for ministers in training.
Among the speakers were many well known motivational speakers. One such boldly approached the pulpit and, gathering the entire crowd's attention, said, "The best years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman that wasn't my wife!"
The crowd was shocked! He followed up by saying, "And that woman was my mother!" - The crowd burst into laughter and he gave his speech which, went over well.
About a week later one of the ministers who had attended the seminar decided to use that joke in his sermon. As he shyly approached the pulpit one sunny Sunday, he tried to rehearse the joke in his head. It seemed a bit foggy to him this morning.
Getting to the microphone he said loudly, "The greatest years of my life were spent in the arms of another woman that was not my wife!"
His congregation sat shocked. After standing there for almost 10 seconds trying to recall the second half of the joke, the pastor finally blurted out "...and I can't remember who she was!"
Generation gap?
During one "generation gap" quarrel with his parents young Michael cried, "I want excitement, adventure, money, and beautiful women. I'll never find it here at home, so I'm leaving. Don't try and stop me!"
With that he headed toward the door. His father rose and followed close behind.
"Didn't you hear what I said? I don't want you to try and stop me."
"Who's trying to stop you?" replied his father. "If you wait a minute, I'll go with you."
Close Shave
My neighbor shaves 15-20 times a day...
No, he's not crazy... he's just a barber.
