Jokes of the day for Tuesday, 22 August 2023
Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Tuesday, 22 August 2023 |
Where Is God?
![Where Is God?](/jokes-archive/2023/02/19/Where-Is-God-3F.jpg.400.jpg)
Wandering Dog
![Wandering Dog](/jokes-archive/2021/11/01/Wandering-Dog.jpg.400.jpg)
An old, tired-looking dog wandered into the yard. I could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home.
He followed me into the house, down the hall, and fell asleep on the couch. An hour later, he went to the door, and I let him out. The next day he was back, resumed his position on the couch and slept for an hour. This continued for several weeks. Curious, I pinned a note to his collar: 'Every afternoon your dog comes to my house for a nap.'
The next day he arrived with a different note pinned to his collar: 'He lives in a home with four children -- he's trying to catch up on his sleep. Can I come with him tomorrow?'
Fertilizer
![Fertilizer](/jokes-archive/2017/09/15/Fertilizer.jpg.400.jpg)
A farmer was driving along the road with a load of fertilizer. A little boy, playing in front of his house, saw him and called, "What've you got in your truck?"
"Fertilizer," the farmer replied.
"What are you going to do with it?" asked the little boy.
"Put it on strawberries," answered the farmer.
"You ought to live here," the little boy advised him. "We put sugar and cream on ours."
The 1970s were a period of gre
The 1970s were a period of great Disco very.The Chinese Doctor & The Lawyer
![The Chinese Doctor & The Lawyer](/jokes-archive/2017/08/22/The-Chinese-Doctor-26-The-Lawyer.jpg.400.jpg)
A Chinese Doctor can't find a job in a Hospital in the US, so he opens his own clinic and puts a sign outside
'GET TREATMENT FOR $20 - IF NOT CURED GET BACK $100.'
An American lawyer thinks this is a great opportunity to earn $100 and goes to the clinic.
Lawyer: 'I have lost my sense of taste.'
Chinese: 'Nurse, bring medicine from box No. 22 and put 3 drops in patient's mouth.'
Lawyer: 'Ugh. this is kerosene.'
Chinese: 'Congrats, your sense of taste is restored. Give me $20.'
The annoyed lawyer goes back after a few days to recover his money.
Lawyer: 'I have lost my memory. I cannot remember anything.'
Chinese: 'Nurse, bring medicine from box no. 22 and put 3 drops in his mouth.'
Lawyer (annoyed): 'This is kerosene. You gave this to me last time for restoring my taste.'
Chinese: 'Congrats. You got your memory back. Give me $20.'
The fuming lawyer pays him, and then comes back a week later determined to get back $100.
Lawyer: 'My eyesight has become very weak I can't see at all.'
Chinese: 'Well, I don't have any medicine for that, so take this $100.'
Lawyer (staring at the note): 'But this is $20, not $100!!'
Chinese: 'Congrats, your eyesight is restored. Give me $20'
The Doctor said...
![The Doctor said...](/jokes-archive/2017/08/22/The-Doctor-said-.jpg.400.jpg)
Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He couldn't concentrate long enough to answer, but decided he had no choice but to go under the knife. When he left the hospital, he was headache free for the first time in over 20 years, but he felt as if he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street he realized he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life. He saw a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need, a new suit."
The elderly salesman eyed him quickly and said, "Let's see, you're a size 44 long."
Joe laughed and said, "That's right, how did you know?"
"Been in the business 60 years!"
Joe tried on the suit. It fit perfectly. As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the tailor asked, "How about a new shirt?" Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure."
"Let's see, 16 and a half neck, 34 sleeve."
Joe was surprised. "How did you know?"
"Been in the business 60 years." The shirt fit perfectly.
As Joe looked at himself in the mirror, the salesman said, "You could use new shoes."
Since Joe was on a roll, he said, "Sure."
The man eyed Joe's feet and said, "9-1/2E."
Joe was astonished. "That's right. How did you know?"
"Been in the business 60 years." Joe tried on the shoes and they also fit perfectly.
As Joe walked comfortably around the shop, the salesman asked, "How about new underwear?"
Joe thought for a second and said, "Why not."
The man stepped back, eyed Joe's waist and said, "Let's see, size 36."
Joe laughed. "Finally I've got you! I've worn size 32 since I was 18 years old."
The tailor shook his head. "You can't wear a size 32. Size 32 underwear would press your testicles against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache."
When Chuck Norris does a pushu...
When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isn't lifting himself up, he's pushing the Earth down.A husband and wife were in the...
![A husband and wife were in the...](/jokes-archive/2015/08/22/A-husband-and-wife-were-in-the-.jpg.400.jpg)
He backed her up against the bathroom door, pulled down her panties and ravaged her. He knew he was doing great because she screamed and wiggled more than she ever had before.
When he finished, he started putting his clothes back on and when he noticed his wife still writhing against the door he said, "That was the best, honey. You've never moved like that before, you didn't hurt yourself did you?"
His wife replies, "No, no. I'll be OK once I can get the doorknob out of my ass."
Medical Emergency on the Golf Course
The husband and wife were playing on the ninth green whenshe collapsed from a heart attack. "Please dear, I need
help." she said.
The husband ran off saying "I'll go get some help." A little
while later he returned, picked up his club and began to line
up his shot on the green.
His wife, on the ground, raised up her head and said, "I'm
may be dying and you're putting?"
"Don't worry dear. I found a doctor on the second hole who
said he come and help."
"The second hole??? When in the hell is he coming???"
"Hey! I told ya not to worry." he said, practice stroking
his putt. "Everyone's already agreed to let him play through."
Jay Mohr: Why the English Hate Americans
![Jay Mohr: Why the English Hate Americans](/jokes-archive/2010/07/02/Jay-Mohr-3A-Why-the-English-Hate-Americans.jpg.400.jpg)
A completely inebriated man wa...
![A completely inebriated man wa...](/jokes-archive/2014/11/27/A-completely-inebriated-man-wa-.jpg.400.jpg)
A cop pulled up and said, "I've got to take you in, pal. You're obviously drunk."
Our wasted friend asked, "Officer, are ya absolutely sure I'm drunk?"
"Yeah, buddy, I'm sure," said the copper. "Let's go."
Breathing a sigh of relief, the wino said, "Thank goodness, I thought I was crippled."
A young ventriloquist is touri...
![A young ventriloquist is touri...](/jokes-archive/2021/09/02/A-young-ventriloquist-is-touri-.jpg.400.jpg)
Suddenly, a blonde woman in the 4th row stands on her chair and starts shouting: "I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community, and from reaching our full potential as a person. Because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general...and all in the name of humor!"
The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize but the blonde yells, "You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little jerk on your knee".
Several of the latest new jokes
![Several of the latest new jokes](/jokes-archive/2023/05/24/Several-of-the-latest-new-jokes.jpg.400.jpg)
What gets burning hot right before it freezes?
A laptop.
What do you call a Chinese kid who was born too early?
Wong Tai Ming.
What do you call a Southern kid who was born prematurely?
Earl Lee.
And one who was born late?
Tuk Tu Long.
I got arrested today for walking out of an art museum with a painting.
I’m just so confused
because earlier when I asked the security if I could take a picture they said "yes".
Why do we call him iron-man?
Calling him Fe-male would probably be pretty awkward.
I used to work at a factory making plastic Draculas.
I was only one of two employees, so I had to make every second Count.
You can't have a Public Pool
without P.
"you are mean!" She replied.
I said "no, you are".