Jokes of the day for Tuesday, 29 August 2023
| Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Tuesday, 29 August 2023 |
The bodybuilding punster
The bodybuilding punster pumped irony.Dentist
A guy and a girl meet at a bar. They get along so well that they decide to go to the girl's place.
A few drinks later, the guy takes off his shirt and then washes his hands.
He then takes of his trousers and washes his hands again.
The girl has been watching him and says, "You must be a dentist."
The guy, surprised, says "Yes! How did you figure that out?"
"Easy," she replied, "you keep washing your hands."
One thing led to another and they make love.
After they have done, the girl says, "You must be a good dentist."
The guy, now with a boosted ego says, "Sure, I'm a good dentist, How did you figure that out?"
"Didn't feel a thing!"
Writes and Wrongs
Teacher: "Your spelling is really improving, Henry, I only counted three mistakes."
Henry: "That's great!"
Teacher: "And now, let's check the second sentence."
What do you like best about me....
I asked my wife the other day what she liked best about me....
"Is it my firm, trim, athletic, body? Or, rather, is it my astounding intellect?"
She replied....
"Your sense of humor, dear."
The Gift
On the first day of school, the children brought gifts for their teacher. The florist's son brought the teacher a bouquet of flowers. The candy-store owner's daughter gave the teacher a pretty box of candy. Then the liquor-store owner's son brought up a big, heavy box. The teacher lifted it up and noticed that it was leaking a little bit. She touched a drop of the liquid with her finger and tasted it.
"Is it wine?" she guessed.
"No," the boy replied. She tasted another drop and asked, " Champagne ?
"No," said the little boy... "It's a puppy!"
Put it back
What do you do in case of fallout?Put it back in and take shorter strokes.
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Calamjo
Begin by standing on a comfort...
Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side. With a 5-lb potato sack in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full minute, and then relax. Each day you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer. After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb potato sacks. Then try 50-lbpotato sacks and then eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-lbpotato sack in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute. (I'm at this level.)
After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each of the sacks.
Emily Heller: Using Feminism
I have found some ways to use feminism to my own advantage -- mostly to remain lazy and disgusting. Kathleen Madigan: Figure Skating
I always wanted to be a figure skater as a kid, too, that was like my fantasy dream. But whenever I watch it, I think I would have totally done it alone. I dont know how these people have enough control over the tempers to be working with a partner. Because if I worked with some guy for 15 years, and we got to the Olympics, and out of nowhere he just fell -- oh, Id skate around just to chop off his fingers. I would, and I would not feel bad about that -- ever. Now when youre nubbing your cereal spoon in the morning, you can look at that box and remember why were not on it. Deon Cole: Getting Fit
When I moved out to LA they told me I had to work out. I was like, I dont wanna do that. They gave me this trainer, and the dude was like... The most important thing is, you cant eat late at night or youll get fat. And Im like, Forget that, you supposed to eat late at night. He was like, No you not. Im like, Well, why they put a light in the refrigerator? A koala was sitting in a tree smoking a joint when a lizard walks up
A koala was sitting in a tree smoking a joint when a lizard walks up and says "Hey koala what are you doing?"
The koala answers "Smoking a joint, come up and have some." The lizard climbs up and the two share the joint.
After a while the lizard says his mouth is dry and excuses himself to a nearby river to have a drink. The lizard, so stoned, leans over too far and falls in. A crocodile swims out to rescue him. When they get onto dry land, the crocodile asks, "What's wrong with you, lizard?"
The lizard tells him that he was smoking a joint with a koala, and he got too stoned and fell in while taking a drink. The crocodile has to see this for himself, so he asks the lizard to take him to the koala.
When they get back to the tree, the crocodile looks up at the koala and says "Hey, you."
The koala looks down and says "Shiiiit dude, how much water did you drink?"
Painting lines
A guy is hired to paint lines on a little country road, so the boss gives him a big can of paint, a brush and sends him out... At the end of the day, when he comes to get paid, he tells the boss he got two miles done. The boss is pretty impressed. At the end of the second day, the painter reports that he did half a mile. The boss is a little surprised at the drop, but thinks maybe the first-day enthusiasm just wore off. At the end of the third day, the painter reports that he did 400 yards. The boss says, "That's quite a difference from the first day." The painter replies, "Yeah, well it's a lot longer walk back to the paint can now." Watch For Fallen Rocks
Driving down a remote road, a motorist sees a sign that says: "Watch For Fallen Rocks."
A couple of miles of careful driving later, he spots some pebbles and stops to pick a few up. Arriving in the next town, the motorist carries the stones into the highway maintenance office.
Placing them on the counter, he says to an official: "Here are your fallen rocks. Now where's my watch?"
An elderly couple was attendin...
An elderly couple was attending church services.About halfway through she leans over and says to her husband, "I just silentlypassed gas - what do you think I should do?"
He replied, "Put a new battery in your hearing aid."
