Jokes of the day for Sunday, 14 April 2024
| Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Sunday, 14 April 2024 |
The Generous Barber
After receiving a beautiful haircut, a doctor asks the barber, “How much do I owe you?” “Oh, I never charge a doctor,” the barber replies. “You all do such good, important work.” The next morning, the barber arrives at his shop and finds a thank you note and a bottle of wine on his doorstep from the doctor.Later that day, a police officer walks into the same barbershop. After a beautiful haircut, the police office asks the barber, “How much do I owe you?” “Oh, I never charge a police officer,” the barber replies. “You all do such good, important work.” The next morning, the barber arrives at his shop and finds a thank you note and a box of candy on his doorstep from the police officer. Later that day, a priest walks into the same barbershop. After a beautiful haircut, the priest asks the barber, “How much do I owe you?” “Oh, I never charge a priest,” the barber replies. “You all do such good, important work.” The next morning, the barber arrives at his shop and finds twelve priests on his doorstep.
The devil herself
A fellow’s wife was very worried about her husband’s heavy drinking and one night she decided to give him a fright. She draped herself in a white sheet and went down to the local cemetery, knowing that her husband was in the habit of taking a shortcut through it on his way home from the pub. It was not long before he came staggering along, and out she jumped from behind a headstone.
“Ooooooo!” she wailed, “I am the devil!”
Her husband sticks out his hand. “Put it there, pal,” he says, “I’m married to your sister.”
A Rabbi, a Hindu and a Lawyer
A rabbi, a Hindu and a lawyer were driving late at night in the country when their car broke down. They set out to find help and came to a farmhouse. When they knocked at the door, the farmer explained that he had only two beds, and one of the three had to sleep in the barn with the animals. The three quickly agreed.
The rabbi said he would sleep in the barn and let the other two have the beds. Ten minutes after the rabbi left, there was a knock on the bedroom door. The rabbi entered exclaiming, "I can't sleep in the barn; there is a pig in there. It's against my religion to sleep in the same room with a pig!"
The Hindu said HE would sleep in the barn, as he had no religious problem with pigs. However, about five minutes later, the Hindu burst through the bedroom door saying, "There's a COW in the barn! I can't sleep in the same room as a cow! It's against my religion!" The lawyer, anxious to get to sleep, said he'd go to the barn, as he had no problem sleeping with animals.
In two minutes, the bedroom door burst open and the pig and the cow entered...
Gone Camping
Four friends spend weeks planning the perfect lake camping and riding trip.
Two days before the group is to leave Rob's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going.
Rob's friends are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do.
Two days later the three get to the camping site only to find Rob sitting there with a tent set up, firewood gathered, and supper cooking on the fire.
"Dang man, how long you been here and how did you talk your wife into letting you go?"
"Well, I've been here since yesterday. Yesterday evening I was sitting in my chair and my wife came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and said 'guess who'?"
I pulled her hands off and she was wearing a brand new see through nightie. She took my hand and took me to our bedroom. The room had two dozen candles and rose pedals all over. She had on the bed, handcuffs and ropes! She told me to tie and cuff her to the bed and I did. And then she said, "now, you can do what ever you want."
So here I am.
Complete coverage
Two men are in a doctor's office.Each of them are to get a vasectomy...the nurse comes into the room and tells both men, "Strip and put on these gowns before going in to see the doctor to have your procedures done."
A few minutes later she returns and reaches into one man's gown and proceeds to fondle and ultimately begins to masturbate him.
Shocked as he was, he asks "Why are you doing that?"
To which she replies, "We have to vacate the sperm from your system to have a clean procedure."
The man not wanting to be a problem and enjoying it, allows her to complete her task.
After she is through, she proceeds to the next man.. She starts to fondle the man as she had the previous man, but then drops to her knees and proceeds to give him oral sex.
The first man seeing this quickly responds, "Hey! Why is it that I get masturbated and he gets a blow job?"
The nurse simply replies, "Sir, there is a difference between HMO and Complete Coverage.
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Tantilazing
John Oliver: Cell Phone Videos
I see that no one, yet, is filming this on their cell phones. I appreciate that because that has become the new scourge of stand-up: people sitting there saying, I want to enjoy this, but now is not good for me. Later would be better -- later and smaller.T.J. Miller: Fighting With an Ex
She said, Youre an unoriginal jerk. Everything youve said to me youve said to some other girl. I felt awful but I was like, Yeah, of course. Theres only a limited amount of words in the English language that make sense to say to a female. If you can only use them once, youre going to run out and be like, Garbage truck banana boat.A Burglar Is In Big Trouble
A burglar has just made it into the house he's intending ransacking, and he's looking around for stuff to steal. All of a sudden, a little voice pipes up, "I can see you, and so can Jesus!"
Startled, the burglar looks around the room. No one there at all, so he goes back to his business.
"I can see you, and so can Jesus!"
The burglar jumps again, and takes a longer look around the room. Over in the corner by the window, almost obscured by curtains, is a cage in which sits a parrot, who pipes up again, "I can see you, and so can Jesus!"
"So what," says the burglar, "you're only a parrot!"
To which the parrot replies, "Maybe, but Jesus is a rottweiler!"
One more set of Thanksgiving jokes - new from 2023
Why is Thanksgiving a great holiday for gossip?Because the best part are the side dishes.
Why do turkeys love R-rated movies?
Because they use fowl language.
If pilgrims traveled on the Mayflower, what do college students travel on?
Scholar ships.
Why are Thanksgiving and Halloween similar?
They both have gobble-ins.
Check more of New Thanksgiving jokes from 2023.
How many pastry chefs does it take to make a pie??
3.14.
What are turkeys most thankful for on Thanksgiving?
Vegans.
What do Thanksgiving turkeys become after they die?
Poultrygeists.
What's Inside a Genie's Turkey?
Wishbones.
What did pilgrims use to make cookies?
May Flour!
Check out our collection of new (and old) Thanksgiving jokes.
Why did the Pilgrims eat turkey at Thanksgiving?
Because they couldn't get the moose in the oven!
Why are Thanksgiving bread jokes always funny?
Because they never get mold.
What did Dad say when he was asked to say grace?
“Grace.”
What did the Thanksgiving turkey say to the Christmas ham?
Nice to meat you.
Why don’t side dishes tell jokes?
They’re too corny.
What do you call a sad cranberry?
A blueberry.
What’s the best way to keep a turkey in suspense?
You’ll find out at Thanksgiving dinner!
What role do green beans play in Thanksgiving dinner?
The casse-role.
Need more Thanksgiving jokes? There some Thanksgiving jokes that were new not so long ago Thanksgiving jokes that were new recently
Bottle Of Wine
Sally was driving home from one of her business trips in Northern Arizona when she saw an elderly Navajo woman walking on the side of the road. As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and asked the Navajo woman if she would like a ride. With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into the car.
Resuming the journey, Sally tried in vain to make a bit of small talk with the Navajo woman. The old woman just sat silently, looking intently at everything she saw, studying every little detail, until she noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Sally.
'What in bag?' asked the old woman. Sally looked down at the brown bag and said, 'It's a bottle of wine. I got it for my husband.'
The Navajo woman was silent for another moment or two. Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, she said, 'Good trade.'
Bob, a 70-year-old, extremely
Bob, a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy widower, shows up atthe Country Club with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy
25-year-old blonde-haired woman who knocks everyone's socks off with her
youthful sex appeal and charm and who hangs over Bob's arm and listens
intently to his every word. His buddies at the club are all aghast. At
the very first chance, they corner him and ask, 'Bob, how'd you get the
trophy girlfriend?' Bob replies, 'Girlfriend? She's my wife!' They
are knocked over, but continue to ask. 'So, how'd you persuade her to
marry you?' 'I lied about my age', Bob replies. 'What, did you tell her
you were only 50?' Bob smiles and says, 'No, I told her I was 90.'
A guy goes to the psychiatrist...
A guy goes to the psychiatrist. "Doctor," says the guy, "I feel as if I'm two different people! Two totally different personalities!"
"Do you think I need help?"
"Can you help me?"
"Am I doing the right thing seeing a psychiatrist?"
"Whoah! Whoah! Whoah!" says the doc. "Please, one at a time."
