Jokes of the day for Saturday, 25 May 2024

Conway Twitty, Is That Really You?

A young pastor moved to town and decided he would go around and introduce himself to the new congregation. He rang the first door bell and a lady came to the door. She stared at him as he introduced himself. She said, “I can't believe how much you look like Conway Twitty, the country music singer.” He replied, “Yes, ma’am, I hear that a lot.”He went to the next house and the next, and every lady that came to the door said the same thing—that he looked like Conway Twitty.At the last house, a shapely young lady came to the door with a towel around her. He started to introduce himself, but she loosened her towel, threw her arms in the air, and screamed, “Conway Twitty!”The pastor stood there, stunned. Then he said, “Hello, darling!”-

The Late Cable Installer

Applicant: Shows up 45 minutes late for interview to be a cable installer.
Interviewer: “You’re hired.”

Blarney stone...

A group of Americans was touring Ireland. One of the women in the group was a real curmudgeon, constantly complaining. The bus seats are uncomfortable.The food is terrible. It's too hot. It's too cold. The accommodations are awful.

The group arrived at the site of the famous Blarney Stone. "Good luck will be followin' ya all your days if you kiss the Blarney Stone,"he guide said. "Unfortunately, it's being cleaned today and so no one will be able to kiss it. Perhaps we can come back tomorrow."

"We can't be here tomorrow," the nasty woman shouted. "We have some other boring tour to go on. So I guess we can't kiss the stupid stone."

"Well now," the guide said, "it is said that if you kiss someone who has kissed the stone, you'll have the same good fortune."

"And I suppose you've kissed the stone," the woman scoffed.

"No, ma'am," the frustrated guide said, "but I've sat on it."

Shane Mauss: Freak Accident

I went to a Six Flags. Theres this new ride there; I had to wait in line for, like, four hours to get on this thing. Finally got on it, it was fine enough. But then I see a couple of weeks later in the news, this girl goes on the exact same ride and, in some freak accident, her legs got lopped off at the knees. I was like, What a terrible thing to happen to all of those people waiting in line.

If, by some incredible space-t...

If, by some incredible space-time paradox, Chuck Norris would ever fight himself, he'd win. Period.

Planning WWIII

President Bush and Colin Powell are sitting in a bar.

A guy walks in and asks the barman, "Isn't that Bush and Powell sitting over there?"

The barman says, "Yep, that's them."

So the guy walks over and says, "Wow, this is a real honor. What are you guys doing in here?"

Bush says, "We're planning WW III."

And the guy says, "Really? What's going to happen?"

Bush says, "Well, we're going to kill 140 million Iraqis this time and one blonde with big tits."

The guy exclaimed, "A blonde with big tits?" "Why kill a blonde with big tits?"

Bush turns to Powell and says, "See, I told you no one would worry about the 140 million Iraqis!"

Submitted by Calamjo

Edited by Curtis

Mid Semester Final Exam

One night Jack Evans, along with his 3 university friends went out drinkinig till late night, as many college students are prone to do, and didn't study for their test, which, of course, was scheduled for the next day.

In the morning they thought of a plan. They made themselves look as dirty and weird as they could with grease and dirt.

They went up to the dean and explained that they had gone out to a wedding last night and on their return the tire of their car burst. They continued to explain how they had to push the car all the way back and that they were in no condition to appear for the test.

The dean, being a compassionate human being said that they could take the test after 3 days. The students graciously replied that they'd be ready by that time.

On the third day, they appeared before the dean. The dean explained that since this was a special test all four were required to sit in separate classrooms for the duration of the exam.

They all agreed as they had prepared well in the last three days. The test consisted of 5 questions with total of 100 points:

MID SEMESTER COURSEWORK EXAMINATION

INSTRUCTIONS : All questions are required. Any inconsistencies on any of the questions among the four students will result in all the candidates getting a zero mark.

Q.1. Write down your name. ----- (2 POINTS) Q.2. Write the name of the bride and groom at the wedding you attended. ----- (30 POINTS) Q.3. What type of a car were you driving? ------(20 POINTS) Q.4. Which tire burst? ------- (28 POINTS) Q.5. Who was driving? ------ (20 POINTS)

Brendon Walsh: Badge

The last job I had, I had to wear this badge around my neck all day -- like, a laminated badge. Its like a backstage pass to the crappiest concert ever invented.

Grocery Shopping Danger

Last week at the grocery store, I saw a man slipping celery into other people's shopping carts...
I believe he was a stalker.

31 Dad Jokes to Start the Week with a Smile on Your Face

I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon.
I’ll let you know…

Is there anything worse than when it’s raining cats and dogs?
Yes! Hailing taxis.

I thought the dryer was shrinking my clothes.
Turns out it was the refrigerator all along.

I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus,
but geometry is where I draw the line.

If a child refuses to nap, are they guilty of resisting a rest?

Did you hear about the kidnapping at school?
It’s OK, he woke up.

My manager told me to have a good day.
So I didn’t go into work.

Whoever stole my depression medication —
I hope you’re happy now.

I lost my job at the bank on my first day.
A woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.

Why did the drum go to bed?
It was beat.

What do you call a rude cow?
Beef jerky.

How does a penguin build his house?
Igloos it together.

Which bear is the most condescending?
A pan-duh!

Where do you learn to make ice cream?
Sundae school.

I’m afraid for the calendar.
Its days are numbered.

Have you ever had a bad sausage?
It’s the wurst.

What do you call a fish wearing a bow tie?
Sofishticated.

I once had a dream I was floating in an ocean of orange soda.
It was more of a Fanta sea.

My wife said I should do lunges to stay in shape.
That would be a big step forward.

I have a joke about chemistry, but I don’t think it will get a reaction.

I could tell a joke about pizza, but it’s a little cheesy.

I have a joke about construction, but I’m still working on it.

What’s the best kind of bird to work for at a construction company?
A crane.

I used to be addicted to soap, but I’m clean now.

I only know 25 letters of the alphabet.
I don’t know y.

I used to be a personal trainer.
Then I gave my too weak notice.

What’s the best way to watch a fly fishing tournament?
Live stream.

What did the buffalo say to his son when he dropped him off at school?
“Bison!”

What kind of music do chiropractors like?
Hip pop.

Two guys walked into a bar.
The third guy ducked.

It’s inappropriate to make a dad joke if you’re not a dad.
It’s a faux pa.

When I found out my toaster wasn't water proof...

When I found out my toaster wasn't water proof...

I WAS SHOCKED!

Author:Wonderland6914

People were dying to...

“People were dying to meet the new mortician.”

A man was wheeling himself fra...

A man was wheeling himself frantically down the hall of the hospital in his wheelchair, just before his operation. A nurse stopped him and asked, "What's the matter?"
He said, "I heard the nurse say, 'It's a very simple operation, don't worry, I'm sure it will be all right.'"
"She was just trying to comfort you, what's so frightening about that?"
"She wasn't talking to me. She was talking to the doctor!"

Lost boots

There was a little boy in kindergarten. At the end of one cold winter day, when all the other children were leaving, the teacher found him crying, so she asked him what was wrong.

He sobbed, "I can't find my boots."

The teacher looked around the classroom and saw a pair of boots. "Are these yours?"

"No, they're not mine," said the little boy, shaking his head.

The teacher and the boy searched all over the classroom for his boots.

Finally, the teacher gave up, "Are you SURE those boots are not yours?"

"I'm sure," the boy sobbed, "mine had snow on them."

We noticed that all the waiter...

We noticed that all the waiters in this New York restaurant carried two spoons in their vest pocket. Naturally, we were curious. We asked a waiter why.
'Sir, as a result of an efficiency study by the management, it was determined that the most frequently dropped silverware item was a spoon. Therefore, all the waiters carry two spoons so that the item can be instantly replaced.' As he was explaining that we noticed a string hanging out of the fly of his pants. So, we asked about that.
'Sir, that's another efficiency study result. When we have to go to the bathroom, we use the string to pull ourselves out and aim. Therefore, we do not have to stop to wash our hands.' We replied, 'I understand how you can get yourself out and aim, but how do you get yourself back in.' 'Well,' replied the waiter, 'I don't know about the other guys, but I use the two spoons!'