Jokes of the day for Saturday, 01 June 2024

Why Are They So Strong?

Why are Saturday and Sunday so strong?
Because the rest of the days are weekdays.

Is that a dog in the back seat?

It was the end of the day when I parked my police car in front of the station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at me.

"Is that a dog you got in the back seat there?" he asked. "It sure is," I replied.

Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the car. Finally he said, "What'd he do?"

One Last Confession

While a man was dying, his wife was maintaining a candlelight vigil by his side. She held his fragile hand, tears running down her face.
Her praying woke him from his slumber. He looked up, and his pale lips began to move slightly.
"My darling," he whispered.
"Hush, my love," she said. "Rest, don't talk."
He was insistent. "I have something that I must confess," he said in a tired voice.
"There isn't anything to confess," replied his weeping wife. "Everything's ok. Go to sleep."
The man blurted out: "No, no, I must die in peace. I...I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!"
"I know," whispered his wife, "that's why I poisoned you."

One Last Confession

While a man was dying, his wife was maintaining a candlelight vigil by his side. She held his fragile hand, tears running down her face.Her praying woke him from his slumber. He looked up, and his pale lips began to move slightly."My darling," he whispered."Hush, my love," she said. "Rest, don't talk."He was insistent. "I have something that I must confess," he said in a tired voice."There isn't anything to confess," replied his weeping wife. "Everything's ok. Go to sleep."The man blurted out: "No, no, I must die in peace. I...I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!" "I know," whispered his wife, "that's why I poisoned you."

Charge By The Inch

Having had one too many, a bar drinker was beginning to display an ugly side.

An unescorted female sat down beside him and he whispered to her, "Hey ! How about it babe ? You and me ?"

As she got up to move, he said loudly, "Honey, you sure look like you could use the money, but I don't have an extra two dollars."

She looked back and replied just as loudly, "What makes you think I charge by the inch ?"

When taking the SAT, write "Ch...

When taking the SAT, write "Chuck Norris" for every answer. You will score over 8000.

Kids in Church

Six-year-old Angie and her four-year-old brother Joel were sitting together in church. Joel giggled, sang, and talked out loud. Finally, his big sister had enough of his antics.
"You're not supposed to talk out loud in church."
"Why? Who's going to stop me?" Joel asked.
Angie pointed to the back of the church and said, "See those two men standing by the door? They're hushers."

A lawyer opened the door of hi...

A lawyer opened the door of his BMW, when suddenly a car came along and hit the door, ripping it off completely. When the police arrived at the scene, the lawyer was complaining bitterly about the damage to his precious BMW.
"Officer, look what they've done to my Beemer!" he whined.
"You lawyers are so materialistic, you make me sick!" retorted the officer, "You're so worried about your stupid BMW, that you didn't even notice that your left arm was ripped off!"
"Oh my god", replied the lawyer, finally noticing the bloody left shoulder where his arm once was, "Where's my Rolex!"

Changed my Facebook name to 'No one'

Just changed my Facebook name to 'No one', so when I see stupid posts I can click like and it will say 'No one likes this'.

A man went into a restaurant a...

A man went into a restaurant and asked for crab. When the waiter brought it, the man objected, "Just a minute, that crab only has one claw!"
"Yes, said the waiter, it was in a fight."
"Well," said the man, "Bring me the winner!"

Why are frogs always so ha...

Why are frogs always so happy? They eat what ever bugs them

21 Bastille Day jokes

Bastille Day is the national day of France, which is celebrated on 14 July each year. Have fun with some revolutionary jokes!

What is the most important part of jokes about the French Revolution?
The execution.

Do you know that the French Revolution was kind of a pain in the neck?
But once it was over it was a weight off of some people’s shoulders.

What did the Aristocrat say when he heard the French Revolution happening in the streets?
"Oh! What a peasant surprise!"

Did you hear the one about Bastille Day?
It’s a riot.

Why is the French Revolution just like Prohibition?
They both got rid of Bourbon!

Why did King Louis despise the peasants?
He found them revolting.

What’s your funniest pickup line for Bastille Day?
"Hey girl, are you the French Revolution?
Because I keep imagining you sans-culottes!"

Have you ever seen the play about the French Revolution?
The scene with Marie Antoinette was perfectly executed.

Do you know that anyone can use our Bastille Day jokes?
It’s royalty free.

How do Americans celebrate Bastille Day?
By storming their wine cellar.

A kid was talking to his dad about Bastille Day. He said, "Isn’t that the day when everyone robs all the fish from the water?
" "Bass-steal day".

What do they call Independence Day in France?
A Royale-free with cheese!

Why is the rooster France’s national emblem?
It’s the only bird that still sings when it’s standing on a shit pile.

Have you heard about Bastille Day?
Its the last time the French showed any balls.

Why do French bakers always bake extra bread on Bastille Day?
Because they know everyone’s going to "storm" their bakery!/p>

What was the primary role of the aristocrats during the French Revolution?
They put their head into it.

Why don’t they play cards in France on Bastille Day?
Because everyone’s afraid of the "revolutionary" hand!

During the French Revolution, what was the executioner’s catchphrase?
"First come, first severed!"

Why are fireworks set off on Bastille Day?
It’s the only way to make a louder bang than the one made when they stormed the Bastille!

What is the difference between Bastille Day and the 4th Of July?
Bastille Day is just like the Fourth of July except it takes place in France and Americans don’t care about it!

A French nobleman’s estate was destroyed during the French Revolution.
The results were château-strophic.

A guy is having marital problems

He and the wife are not communicating at all and he’s lonesome so he goes to a pet store thinking a pet might help.
The store he happened into specialized in parrots.
As he wanders down the rows of parrots he notices one with no feet.
Surprised he mutters, “I wonder how he hangs onto the perch?”
The parrot says, “With my prick, you dummy.”
The guy is startled and says, “You certainly talk well for a parrot.”
The parrot says, “Of course, I’m a very well educated parrot. I can discuss politics, sports, religion, almost any subject you wish.”
The guy says, “Gee, you sound like just what I was looking for.”
The parrot says, “There’s not much of a market for maimed parrots. If you offer the proprietor $20 for me I’ll bet he’ll sell me.”
The guy buys the parrot and for three months things go great.
When he comes home from work the parrot tells him what Obama said, whether the A’s won, or the Giant’s lost, what the pope did and so on.
One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot waves a wing at him and says, “Come in and shut the door.”
The guy says, “What’s up?”
The parrot says, “I don’t know how to tell you this but the mail man came today. Your wife answered the door in her negligee and he kissed her right on the lips.”
The guy says, “Oh, a momentary flight of passion.”
The parrot says, “Then he fondled her breasts.”
The guy says, “He did?”
The parrot says, “Then he pulled her negligee down and started sucking on her breasts.”
The guy says, “My God, what happened next?”
The parrot says, “I don’t know. I got a hard-on and fell off my perch.”

Medicare Coverage

The phone rings and the lady of the house answers, 'Hello.'
'Mrs. Sanders, please.'
'Speaking.'
'Mrs. Sanders, this is Doctor Jones at Saint Agnes Laboratory. When your husband's doctor sent his biopsy to the lab last week, a biopsy from another Mr. Sanders arrived as well. We are now uncertain which one belongs to your husband. Frankly, either way the results are not too good.'
'What do you mean?' Mrs. Sanders asks nervously.
'Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other one tested positive for HIV. We can't tell which is which.'
'That's dreadful! Can you do the test again?' questioned Mrs. Sanders.
'Normally we can, but Medicare will only pay for these expensive tests one time.'
'Well, what am I supposed to do now?'
'The folks at Medicare recommend that you drop your husband off somewhere in the middle of town. If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him.'

Diagnostic Machine

A man without medicare or medical insurance injured himself playing tennis and couldn't afford to go to the doctor. A friend of his told him there was a wonderful new diagnostic machine at the drugstore and suggested he try it out.

So the man went down to the drugstore and poured the required urine sample into the machine. The machine whirred and hummed for fifteen seconds and spit out a piece of paper. The piece of paper said: You have tennis elbow. Here's how to treat it...

The man treated his tennis elbow according to the directions and it improved immediately. He was very impressed with the diagnostic machine but decided he was going to find out just how good it was, and if it could be fooled.

So he gathered and mixed together his own urine sample, his wife's, and some of his dog's feces. Then for good measure he masturbated into the cup.

He took this mixture down to the drugstore and poured it into the machine. The machine then whirred and hummed for five minutes. Just when he was thinking he'd broken it, out came the diagnosis.

It said:

Your dog has worms.

Your wife is pregnant, but don't worry, it's not yours.

And if you don't quit jerking off, you're never going to get rid of that tennis elbow.