Jokes of the day for Sunday, 09 June 2024
Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Sunday, 09 June 2024 |
I've always wanted to start a company called...
I've always wanted to start a company called "Thank You for Calling How May I help You"Then my receptionist will have to answer the phone like "Thank you for calling Thank You for Calling How May I Help You, how may I help you?"
10 Christian Pick-up Lines
* Nice Bible.* God told me to come and meet you.* Excuse me, I believe one of your ribs belongs to me.* I know a church where we could go and talk.* What are your plans for tonight? Feel like a Bible study?* Nice bracelet. Who would Jesus date? Oh, I mean, what would Jesus do? * Do you believe in divine appointment?* Have you ever tried praying at a drive-in movie before?* Christians kiss before parting–it’s an old Jewish tradition.* Would you happen to know a Christian woman that I could love with all my heart and wait on hand and foot?-Honesty Policy
![Honesty Policy](/jokes-archive/2020/06/09/Honesty-Policy.jpg.400.jpg)
Boss (to the new employee): We are very keen on cleanliness. Did you wipe your feet on the mat as you came in?
New employee: Yes, sir.
Boss: We are also keen on truthfulness. There is no mat.
The loving wife...
A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office.
After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe stress disorder. If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die."
"Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant at all times. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don't burden him with chores. Don't discuss your problems with him, it will only make his stress worse. No nagging. And most importantly, make love with your husband several times a week. If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely."
On the way home, the husband asked his wife. "What did the doctor say?"
"He said you're going to die," she replied.
Chuck Norris knows the last di...
Chuck Norris knows the last digit of pi.From Yuppie Businessman to redneck in 35 Easy Steps
Are you a wealthy and successful suit-and-tie yuppie businessman who has always had a secret dream that you would one day become a redneck?Have you always wanted to be a Bubba, but didn't know how?
Is there an inner Cletus inside that dapper and dignified image, just hollerin' to get out?
Well, now, Mister Corporate High-flyer, YOU can become the redneck you have always wanted to be!
Purchase the following: one pair of overalls, one pack of chewing tobacco and six cases of beer. That is all you will need to start!
Now follow the 35 SIMPLE and EASY guidelines in our manual!
Caution: These instructions MUST be followed in your BUSINESS OFFICE during WORKING HOURS.
1) We assume you are a dignified, well-groomed yuppie executive; therefore, as you read this, it is also assumed you are wearing a pair of well-polished $800 Brooks Brothers black captoe leather shoes and silk business socks, a $2,000 pinstriped Armani business suit tailored for you, a $150 silk necktie with matching pocket square and suspenders, a starched white shirt, monogrammed cufflinks, silver tiepin and a Rolex. If you are not dressed like this, stop NOW and continue when you are.
FIRST, untie and remove high-and-mighty mirror-shined executive shoes. Peel off fancy socks.
DO THIS NOW! This is NOT optional!
Be warned: these shoes and socks have been vital to your identity until now, so do not deceive yourself; this will be a challenge to a true yuppie executive. They MUST be removed to move forward into the wonderful new world that awaits you.
(Note: This will also work with Johnston & Murphy wingtips or those Italian loafers with those little tassels on them.)
2) Stuff silk socks in shiny shoes and drop in garbage can.
3) *URGENT* Do not, under any circumstances, put shoes back on. You MUST remain barefoot. If you fail, return to step one. This will take discipline! This is where most would-be bubbas fail! You will be tempted to put them back on - resist this!
If you have trouble, don't hesitate to call our 800 emergency number. A bona fide trained Bubba coach will help you.
4) The following is guaranteed to help bring you off your high horse in a hurry, and into the redneck world! Trust us!
Prop bare feet on polished office desk, with soles facing open office door. Do NOT remove feet from desk, even when co-workers, clients and/or boss enter office.
5) Remove cufflinks and scratch soles of feet with them when others enter office and during office conference. Put cufflinks back on.
6) Use necktie to wipe nose.
7) Use tiepin and/or collar stud to clean toenails. Put tiepin or collar stud back in tie or shirt.
Eat lunch with knife only. Wipe dirty knife on otherwise spotless business suit.
9) Reach under suit trouser leg and scratch. Scratch under arms.
10) Open can of beer. Drink rapidly and belch loudly. Practice! Dribble on business suit. Discarded business socks may be used to wipe mouth. Repeat. Pile cans on expensive office carpet.
11) Shout with laughter for no reason.
Note: Do NOT be concerned if you experience concern about your dignity. Your dignity will soon disappear! Do not worry!
12) Place tobacco in mouth; place in back of cheek. Practice spitting streams of tobacco juice on to computer screen, or on polished office floor, or on important presentation, or in the cuffs of the trousers of your pinstriped suit. Brooks Brothers shoes may also serve as spittoon.
Note: This is the ONLY time when you may retrieve shoes from garbage! See Step #3.
13) Untie and remove natty silk necktie, unfasten and remove gold monogrammed cufflinks, pluck pocket square from suit, unfasten tiepin, unbutton and pull out suspenders and slide Rolex off wrist. Drop ALL items in garbage can.
14) Strip off classy, expensive tailored Armani business suit, starched shirt and designer underwear. Toss in garbage can.
Note: Removal of business suit can be traumatic for an uppity upper class businessman. It is comparable to an operation. Be prepared for shock to system.
15) Add briefcase, cell phone and day-timer.
16) Cut up credit cards and throw away wallet.
17) Cut up Ivy League degree.
18) Put on overalls. Walk around in hem to get used to your new look.
19) Practice poor posture and sluggish walk.
20) Cancel subscriptions to Wall Street Journal and New York Times. Have cable disconnected.
21) If you have not already been fired, quit high-paying prestigious white-collar job and stop working altogether.
Alternative: become a garbage man or janitor or sling hash in a diner.
22) Make appointment with dentist. Have front teeth removed.
23) Make appointment with surgeon. Have all hair on top of head removed through electrolysis. Let hair grow on sides and back.
24) Shave ONLY twice a week. Be careful to leave stubble at all times.
25) Bathe ONLY twice a week.
26) Begin intensive redneck language course. Do not use more than five words in a sentence. Drop all "NG" endings from words - "havin" instead of "having". Learn to yelp and whoop and holler.
27) Sell Porsche.
28) Buy used pickup.
29) Sell condo.
30) Buy dilapidated shack in backwoods and shotgun rack.
31) Give or throw away all remaining clothes: business suits, ties, shoes, socks, shirts, and accessories, including Burberry tuxedo, overcoat and patent leather pumps worn to corporate black tie events. NOTHING can be retained.
32) Sell stocks and bonds and give all proceeds from these and sale of car and home to a redneck charity. You will NOT need money.
33) Watch NASCAR and pro-wrestling every day. Do NOT miss any episodes.
34) Find wrecked car and leave in front of shack.
35) Have name changed legally from "Mark" or "Andrew" or "Kevin" to "Cletus" or "Bubba" or "Jed".
Congratulations! You, Sir, are now the Redneck you have dreamed of becoming!
Satisfaction Guaranteed! And no one will ever call you "sir" again!
Some Musical Christmas Advice
Make out your Chopin Liszt early before Debussy season, when you have time to check out Verdi good bargains are, can still get gifts Faure good price, not have to Handel large crowds and have time to give Bach things you decide you don't want.Typical male
![Typical male](/jokes-archive/2017/06/09/Typical-male.jpg.400.jpg)
A couple was relating their vacation experiences to a friend. "It sounds as if you had a great time in Texas," the friend observed. "But didn't you tell me you were planning to visit Colorado?"
"Well," the husband said, "we changed our plans because, uh..."
His wife cut in, "Oh, tell the truth, Fred!" He feel silent, and she continued,
"You know, it's just ridiculous. Fred simply will NOT ask for directions."
A blonde and a lawyer are seat...
![A blonde and a lawyer are seat...](/jokes-archive/2012/06/09/A-blonde-and-a-lawyer-are-seat-.jpg.400.jpg)
The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap, politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun. He explains, I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5.00, and vise versa.
Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep. The lawyer, now agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5.00, and, if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500.00."
This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game.
The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a $5.00 bill and hands it to the lawyer.
Okay says the lawyer, your turn. She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?" The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references, no answer. He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the net and the library of congress, no answer. Frustrated, he sends e-mails to all his friends and coworkers, to no avail.
After an hour, he wakes the blonde, and hands her $500.00. The blonde says, "Thank you," and turns back to get some more sleep.
The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, what's the answer? "Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep.
Why Little Johnny Cried
![Why Little Johnny Cried](/jokes-archive/2017/01/24/Why-Little-Johnny-Cried.jpg.400.jpg)
Three little ducks
![Three little ducks](/jokes-archive/2014/11/17/Three-little-ducks.jpg.400.jpg)
Three little ducks go into a bar.
"Hello, what's your name?" the bartender asks the first duck.
"Huey," he replies.
"How's your day been, Huey?" the bartender asks.
"Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day. What else could a duck want?" smiles Huey.
"That's nice," says the bartender, turning to the second duck. "Hi, and what's your name?"
"Dewey," comes the answer from duck number two.
"So how's your day been, Dewey?" asks the bartender.
"Great. I've had a ball, too. Been in and out of puddles all day, as well. What more could a duck want?"
The barman turns to the third duck and says: "So, you must be Louie?"
"No," she says, batting her eyelashes. "My name is Puddles."
Pet Store
![Pet Store](/jokes-archive/2014/04/14/Pet-Store.jpg.400.jpg)
A lady was walking down the street to work and she saw a parrot on a perch in front of a pet store. The parrot said to her, “Hey lady, you are really ugly.” Well, the lady is furious! She stormed past the store to her work.
On the way home she saw the same parrot and it said to her, “Hey lady, you are really ugly.” She was incredibly ticked now. The next day the same parrot again said to her, “Hey lady, you are really ugly.”
The lady was so ticked that she went into the store and said that she would sue the store and kill the bird. The store manager replied profusely and promised he would make sure the parrot didn't say it again.
When the lady walked past the store that day after work the parrot called to her, “Hey lady.”
She paused and said, “Yes?”
The bird said, “You know.”
A Moral Question
![A Moral Question](/jokes-archive/2010/12/22/A-Moral-Question.jpg.400.jpg)
One man said to another, "I didn't sleep with my wife before I got married. How about you?"
The man replied, "I don't know. What was her maiden name?"
A Kiwi was hoping to immigrate...
![A Kiwi was hoping to immigrate...](/jokes-archive/2009/06/15/A-Kiwi-was-hoping-to-immigrate-.jpg.400.jpg)
Upon arriving in Australia, he was questioned by a customs officer,
"What is your business in Australia?"
"I wish to immigrate," was the Kiwi's reply.
The customs officer then asked,
"Do you have a conviction record?"
Confused, the Kiwi then replied,
"I didn't think you still needed one."
Hunter Shot By Fox
![Hunter Shot By Fox](/jokes-archive/2011/09/07/Hunter-Shot-By-Fox.jpg.400.jpg)
Hunter Shot to Death By a Fox, Belgrade, Associated Press
A fox shot and killed a 38-year-old hunter in central Yugoslavia, the official Yugoslav news agency Tanjug reported yesterday.
Salih Hajdur, a farmer from the village of Gornje Hrasno in the Republic of Bosnia-Hercegovina, went to a nearby forest Sunday to shoot a fox, Tanjug said.
Hajdur wounded a fox in the leg, the agency said, but to spare the skin he did not fire again. Instead, he hit the animal with his refle butt. The struggling animal triggered a shot that hit Hajdur in the chest and killed him instantly, Tanjug said. The fox died later, Tanjug added.