Jokes of the day for Monday, 10 June 2024

Mr. Aging

As Mr. Aging was browsing through an old newspaper, he read aloud to his wife a news item about men losing their memory cells faster than women do.
"It must be true," she said. "That's the second time you've read that article to me."

A teen boy is buying a pack of condoms for the first time…

A teen boy is buying a pack of condoms for the first time.
He sees the price is $10 but when he goes to pay it the register rings it up as $10.65.
“What’s this 65 cents about?” He asks. The cashier says “it’s for the tax.”
“Ah. I was wondering how you keep these things on.”

A Silent Bomb in Church

An elderly couple were in church. The wife leaned over and whispered to her husband, "I just let out a long silent fart... what should I do?"The husband replied, "Replace the batteries in your hearing aid."-

How was I born?

A boy was assigned a paper on childbirth and asked his parents, "How was I born?"

"Well honey..." said the slightly prudish parent, "the stork brought you to us."

"Oh," said the boy. "Well, how did you and daddy get born?" he asked.

"Oh, the stork brought us too."

"Well how were grandpa and grandma born?" he persisted.

"Well darling, the stork brought them too!" said the parent, by now starting to squirm a little in the Lazy Boy recliner.

Several days later, the boy handed in his paper to the teacher who read with confusion the opening sentence: "This report has been very difficult to write because there hasn't been a natural childbirth in my family for three generations."

Nick Kroll: Same Perfume

My mother and my girlfriend are wearing the same perfume, which is weird because, all of a sudden, Im attracted to my girlfriend.

Chuck Norris can slam a revolv...

Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.

Reaching the end of a job inte...

Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Officer asked a young Engineer fresh out of MIT, "And what starting salary were you looking for?"

The Engineer replies, "In the region of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package."

The interviewer inquires, "Well, what would you say to a package of 5-weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every 2 years say, a red Corvette?"
The Engineer sits up straight and says, "Wow! Are you kidding?"

And the interviewer replies, "Yeah, but you started it."

Why are you crying?

Two guys were sitting outside a medical clinic. One of them was crying, tears were pouring down his face.

The other guy asked, "Why are you crying?"

The first one replied, "I came here for blood test."

The second one asked, "So? Why are you crying? Are you afraid?"

The first guy replied, "No. Not that. During the blood test they cut my finger."

Hearing this, the second one started crying.

The first one was astonished and asked the other, "Why are you crying?"

Then the second guy replied, "I have come for a urine test."

Business one-liners 74

If you want to get along, go along.

If you want to make an enemy, do someone a favor.

If your next pot of chili tastes better, it probably is because of something left out, rather than added.

Ignorance is bliss. No wonder I'm so depressed.

Illegitimus non Carborundem: "Don't let the scum bags grind you down"

In a hierarchical organization, the higher the level, the greater the confusion.

In any calculation, any error which can creep in will do so.

In any hierarchy, each individual rises to his own level of incompetence, and then remains there.

In any household, junk accumulates to the the space available for its storage.

In case of doubt, make it sound convincing.

It takes a big man to admit when he's wrong, and an even bigger one to keep his mouth shut when he's right.

Sitting on the edge of the hig...

Sitting on the edge of the highway waiting to catch speeders, a state police officer saw a car driving along at 22 M.P.H. He thinks to himself, that car is just as dangerous as a speeder. So, he turns his lights on and pulls the car over. Approaching the car, he notices there are 5 old ladies, two at the front and 3 at the back, wide eyed and looking like ghosts.
The driver, obviously confused, said, "Officer, I don’t understand, Iwasn’t doing over the speed limit! What did you pull me over for?"
"Ma’am," the officer said, "You should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be dangerous".
"Slower than the speed limit? No sir! I was doing exactly 22 miles an hour", the old woman said proudly.
The officer, trying not to laugh, explains that 22 is the route number, not the speed limit. A little embarrassed, the woman smiled and thanked the officer for pointing out her error.
"Before I go Ma’am, I have to ask, is everyone ok? These women seem badly shaken and haven’t said a word since I pulled you over."
"Oh! they’ll be all right in a minute, officer. We just got off Route142" ...

Confident and confidential

Son - "Dad whats the difference between confident and confidential?" 

Dad - "Hmm. You are my son. Of that I am confident. Your friend Timmy is also my son. That's confidential."

A woman goes to a doctor named...

A woman goes to a doctor named Dr. Wong. "Doctor, I can't get a date, no one will go out with me." In a very thick Asian accent, Dr. Wong says, "Take off clothes and get on all four hands and knees." She does. "Now crawl to wall." She does so and looks back at him. "I know what wrong." “What is it Doctor! What do I have?" "You have Ed Zachary disease." "Ed Zachary disease? What is that?!" "You face look Ed Zachary like you ass!"

50-50 partners

A very successful businessman had a meeting with his new son-in-law. "I love my daughter, and now I welcome you into the family," said the man. "To show you how much we care for you, I'm making you a 50-50 partner in my business. All you have to do is go to the factory every day and learn the operations."

The son-in-law interrupted. "I hate factories. I can't stand the noise."

"I see," replied the father-in-law. "Well then you'll work in the office and take charge of some of the operations."

"I hate office work," said the son-on-law. "I can't stand being stuck behind a desk all day."

"Wait a minute," said the father-in-law. "I just make you half- owner of a moneymaking organization, but you don't like factories and won't work in a office. What am I going to do with you?"

"Easy," said the young man. "Buy me out."

Biggest jerks

Morton was reading the paper after breakfast when he came across an article about a beautiful actress who was about to marry a football player known primarily for his lack of IQ and common sense.

He turned to his wife with a questioning look on his face and said: "I'll never understand why the biggest jerks get the most attractive wives."

His wife smiled and replied: "Why thank you, dear!"

A 17-year-old boy, who works part-time at Pizza Hut...

A 17-year-old boy, who works part-time at Pizza Hut, pulls up to his house in a stunning Porsche.

His parents are immediately suspicious, knowing there's no way his after-school job could have paid for such an expensive car. "Where did you get that car?" they shout, astonished.

"I bought it today," the boy replies calmly.

"With what money?" his mom demands. "We know how much a Porsche costs, and there's no way you can afford it!"

The boy shrugs. "It’s used, and I got a great deal. I only paid $20 for it."

His parents are even more shocked. "Who would sell a Porsche for $20?!"

"The woman up the street," the boy explains. "She just moved in. I delivered a pizza to her, and she offered to sell me the Porsche for $20."

Baffled, his parents rush to the neighbor’s house, ready for an explanation. They find her calmly planting flowers in her yard. "I'm the father of the boy you sold a Porsche to for $20," the dad says. "We need to know why you sold it so cheap!"

The woman, without looking up, responds, "I got a call from my husband this morning. I thought he was on a business trip in Florida, but it turns out he ran off to Hawaii with his secretary and doesn't plan on coming back."

The boy's mom, still confused, asks, "But what does that have to do with selling our son a Porsche for $20?"

With a satisfied smile, the woman replies, "My husband told me to sell his new Porsche and send him the money—so I did."