Jokes of the day for Tuesday, 11 June 2024
| Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Tuesday, 11 June 2024 |
Affordable Luxury
Customer: "I’m looking for something cheap but high quality."
Salesperson: "You’re in luck! This pen writes just like a $100 pen."
Customer: "How much is it?"
Salesperson: "$99.99."
A man and a woman on a train
A man and a woman who had never met before, but who were both married, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping cabin on a trans-continental train.Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a cabin, they went to bed, he in the upper berth and she in the lower.
At 1:00 AM, they were both still wide awake and they both knew it.
He said, "I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet under your bed to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold."
"I have a better idea," she replied. She added, "Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married."
"That's a great idea!", he said, now totally aroused.
"Good," she replied. "Get your own fucking blanket."
After a moment of silence, he farted and didn't care.
A Silent Bomb in Church
An elderly couple were in church. The wife leaned over and whispered to her husband, "I just let out a long silent fart... what should I do?"The husband replied, "Replace the batteries in your hearing aid."- Tour Bus Driver
A tour bus driver is driving with a bus full of old aged pensioners when he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady.
She offers him a handful of peanuts, which he gratefully munches up.
After about 15 minutes, she taps him on the shoulder again and she hands the driver another handful of peanuts.
When she is about to hand him another batch again, he asks her "Why don't you eat the peanuts?"
"We can't chew them because we have no teeth", she replied.
"We just love the chocolate around them."
Life is like a box of chocolat...
Life is like a box of chocolates. You never know when Chuck Norris is going to kill you.The 6th grade science teacher...
The 6th grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class, "Which human body part increases to ten times its size when stimulated?"No one answered until little Mary stood up and said, "You should not be asking sixth-graders a question like that! I'm going to tell my parents, and they will go and tell the principal, who will then fire you!"
Mrs. Parks ignored her and asked the question again, "Which body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?"
Little Mary's mouth fell open. Then she said to those around her, "Boy, is she going to get in big trouble!"
The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the class, "Anybody?"
Finally, Billy stood up, looked around nervously, and said, "The body part that increases 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye."
Mrs. Parks said, "Very good, Billy," then turned to Mary and
continued. "As for you, young lady, I have three things to say: One, you have a dirty mind. Two, you didn't read your homework. And three, one day you are going to be very, very disappointed."
A woman meets a gorgeous man i...
A woman meets a gorgeous man in a bar. They talk, they connect, they end up leaving together.They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment, she notices that his bedroom is completely packed with sweet cuddly teddy bears.
Hundreds of cute small bears on a shelf all the way along the floor, cuddly medium-sized ones on a shelf a little higher, and huge, enormous bears on the top shelf along the wall. The woman is kind of surprised that this guy would have a collection of teddy bears, especially one that's so extensive, but she decides not to mention this to him, and is quite impressed by his sensitive side.
She turns to him... they kiss... and then they rip each other's clothes off and make hot steamy love. After an intense night of passion with this sensitive guy, they are lying there together in the afterglow, the woman rolls over and asks, smiling, 'Well, how was it?'
The man says, 'You can have any prize from the bottom shelf.'
Demetri Martin: Employee of the Month
I think Employee of the Month is a good example of when a person can be a winner and a loser at the same time. A Saudi Prince went to Germany...
A Saudi Prince went to Germany to study.A month later, he sends a letter to his dad saying: "Berlin is wonderful, people are nice and I really like it here,but I'm a bit ashamed to arrive to school with my gold Mercedes when all my teachers travel by train."
Sometime later he gets a letter from his dad with a ten million dollar check saying: "Stop embarrassing us, go and get yourself a train too”!
New Math
Romance Mathematics:Smart man + smart woman = romance
Smart man + dumb woman = affair
Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy
Office Arithmetic:
Smart boss + smart employee = profit
Smart boss + dumb employee = production
Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion
Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime
Shopping Math:
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need.
A woman called a local hospita...
A woman called a local hospital . . . ."Hello. Could you connect me to the person who gives information about patients? I'd like to find out if a patient is getting better, doing as expected or getting worse."
The voice on the other end said, "What is the patient's name and room number?"
"Sarah Finkel, room 302."
"I'll connect you with the nursing station . . . ."
"3-A Nursing Station. How can I help you?"
"I'd like to know the condition of Sarah Finkel in room 302."
"Just a moment. Let me look at her records. Mrs. Finkel is doing very well. In fact, she's had two full meals, her blood pressure is fine, she is to be taken off the heart monitor in a couple of hours and, if she continues this improvement, Dr. Cohen is going to send her home Tuesday at noon."
The woman said, "What a relief! Oh, that's fantastic... that's wonderful news!"
The nurse said, "From your enthusiasm, I take it you are a close family member or a very close friend!"
"Neither! I AM Sarah Finkel in 302! Nobody here tells me sh*t!
Michael Ian Black: Pills
I dont drink, and I dont do drugs, but Ill take a pill. Ill take any pill, you know what I mean? Cause pills cant hurt me! Cause theyre made by companies. The Healer
A semi-crippled Libertarian came into a bar and with difficulty, hoisted his bad leg over the bar stool, pulled himself up and asked for a sip of whiskey.
He looked down the bar and asked, "Is that Jesus down there?"
The bartender nodded and the Libertarian told him to give Jesus a whiskey also.
The next patron was an ailing Republican with a hunched back who moved slowly.
He shuffled up to the barstool and asked for a glass of wine. He also looked down the bar and asked if that was Jesus.
The bartender nodded and the Republican said to give Him a glass of wine also.
The third patron, a Democrat, swaggered in and said "Barkeep, give me a cold beer.
Hey, is that Jesus down there?"
The barkeep nodded, and the Democrat told him to give Jesus a cold one too.
As Jesus got up to leave, he walked over and touched the Libertarian and said, "For your kindness, you are healed!"
The Libertarian felt the strength come back to his leg, and he got up and danced a jig all the way to the door.
Jesus touched the republican and said, "For your kindness you are healed!"
The Republican felt his back straighten. He danced with joy and did a flip.
As Jesus walked toward the Democrat, the Democrat jumped back and exclaimed, "Don't touch me, I'm drawing disability!"
Three astronauts
Once upon a time Nasa decided to send three astronauts to space for 2 years.
NASA allowed each of them to take 200 pounds of baggage each.
The first astronaut decided to take along his wife, the second decided to take along books to learn how to speak German, while the third astronaut decided to take along cigarettes.
Two years later, when the space shuttle landed, there was a big crowd waiting to welcome them home.
First came the first astronaut and his wife and each of them had a baby in their arms.
Next, out came the second astronaut speaking fluent German.
They both gave their speeches and got a rousing applause.
Suddenly out came the third astronaut with a cigarette in his mouth.
He walked up to the podium and snarled to the crowd and asked, 'Has anyone got a friggin' match?'
