Jokes of the day for Tuesday, 25 June 2024

Being In Prison

What's the difference between being in prison and being a corporate employee?
In prison you get free health care.

Little Johnny was sitting in class doing math problems...

"Well, the answer is four," said the teacher, "but I like the way you're thinking." Little Johnny says, "I have a question for you. If there were three women eating ice cream cones in a shop, one was licking her cone, the second was biting her cone and the third was sucking her cone, which one is married?"

"Well," said the teacher nervously, "I guess the one sucking the cone." "No," said Little Johnny, "the one with the wedding ring on her finger, but I like the way you're thinking."

Under the kilt...

The American tourist stood staring at the highland sentry standing guard outside Edinburgh Castle.

After a few minutes she went up to the sentry and asked 'I've always wanted to find out what's worn under the kilt'.

The sentry replied: 'There is nothing worn, Ma'am, its all in perfect working order'.

Tennis Shoes

Two hunters are walking through a forest looking for deer. When all of a sudden, a giant bear jumps out and scares the shit out of them. They drop their guns and run like hell.
One of the hunters stopped, opened up his backpack and laced up a pair of tennis shoes. His buddy looked at him and said, "What are you doing? Are you crazy? You can't outrun the bear!"
To this the hunter said, "I know, all I have to do is outrun you!"  

Some kids play Kick the can. C...

Computer Problem Report Form

Now, describe the problem accurately:

Speculate wildly about the cause of the problem:

Problem Severity:

A. Minor

B. Minor

C. Minor

D. Trivial

Nature of the problem:

A. Locked Up

B. Frozen

C. Hung

D. Shot

Is your computer plugged in? Yes No

Is it turned on? Yes No

Have you tried to fix it yourself? Yes No

Have you made it worse? Yes

Have you read the manual? Yes No

Are you sure you've read the manual? Yes No

Are you absolutely certain you've read the manual? No

Do you think you understood it? Yes No

If `Yes' then why can't you fix the problem yourself?

How tall are you? Are you above this line?

What were you doing with your computer at the time the problem occurred?

If `nothing' explain why you were logged in.

Are you sure you aren't imagining the problem? Yes No

How does this problem make you feel?

Tell me about your childhood

Do you have any independent witnesses of the problem? Yes No

Can't you do something else, instead of bothering me? Yes

Fred & Saddam

A: Both look out their windows and see Rubble.

Juston McKinney: Parking Tickets in New York

Monday

Hungry Ham Sandwich

A ham sandwich walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve food here."

I gave up my job as...

“I gave up my job as a high-wire walker because I was struggling to achieve work-life balance.”

Most Useless Inventions

1. Non stick Cellotape
   
2. Solar Powered Flash Light
   
3. A black highlighter pen
   
4. Glow in the dark sunglasses
   
5. Inflatable Anchor
   
6. Smooth Sandpaper
   
7. Waterproof sponge
   
8. Waterproof Teabags
   
9. AC adapter for Solar powered calculators
   
10. Fireproof Matches
    
11. Fireproof Cigarettes
    
12. Battery powered Battery Charger
    
13. Seatbelts for Motorbikes
    
14. Hand powered Chainsaw
    
15. Inflatable Dartboard
    
16. Silent Alarm Clock
    
17. A Pedal powered wheelchair
    
18. Braille Drivers Manual
    
19. Double sided playing cards
    
20. Ejector seats for Helicopters
    

Makin' babies...

A second grader came home from school and said to her mother, "Mom, guess what? We learned how to make babies today."

The mother, more than a little surprised, asked fearfully, "That's interesting. How do you make babies?"

"It's simple," replied the girl. "You just change 'y' to 'i' and add 'es'."

She did not need much

What Do You Have?

Teacher: "Johnny, if you have $20 in one pant pocket, and $35 in the other pant pocket, what do you have?"
Johnny: "That's easy, I have someone else's pants!"