Jokes of the day for Tuesday, 02 July 2024
Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Tuesday, 02 July 2024 |
How to Hug
I went to the library the other day and found a book titled "How to Hug".
Wanting to learn the secrets of intimacy I quickly grabbed the book and headed to the checkout counter.
The librarian was polite but said I couldn't check out the book because it was the seventh volume of Encyclopedia Britannica.
My wife said...
My wife said, "I can think of 14 reasons to leave you, plus your fucking obsession with the Wimbledon Championships."Half-Fare Special
![Half-Fare Special](/jokes-archive/2022/07/20/Half-Fare-Special.jpg.400.jpg)
One of the airlines recently introduced a special half-fare rate for wives accompanying their husbands on business trips.
Anticipating some valuable testimonials, the publicity department of the airline sent out letters to all the wives of businessmen who used the special rates, asking how they enjoyed their trip.
Responses are still pouring in asking, "What trip?"
Double negative
![Double negative](/jokes-archive/2015/08/01/Double-negative.jpg.400.jpg)
A linguistics professor was lecturing to his class one day. "In English," he said, "a double negative forms a positive. In some languages though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative."
"However," he pointed out, "there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative."
A voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah. Right."
Weekend at Daves..
Starting the car for the long trip back into the city, Thorn and Bill said their final good-byes to their good friend, Curly David."Thanks for puttin' us up for the weekend, pal," said Thorn.
"The food was great, the booze and dope were superb, and I really enjoyed fucking your wife."
Shortly after hitting the road, Bill turned to Thorn and said, "I hope you weren't serious about enjoying fucking his wife!"
"No, I wasn't serious. She was lousy."
Jay Mohr: Why the English Hate Americans
![Jay Mohr: Why the English Hate Americans](/jokes-archive/2010/07/02/Jay-Mohr-3A-Why-the-English-Hate-Americans.jpg.400.jpg)
Lightbulb Joke Collection 94
Q: How many archaeologists does does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Three. One to change it and two to argue about how old the old one is.
Q: How many preservation society members does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: One, but it takes a year to find an antique Edison light bulb so it'll be architecturally accurate.
Q: How many aerobics instructors does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Five. Four to do it in perfect synchrony and one to stand there going "To the left, and to the left, and to the left, and to the left, and take it out, and put it down, and pick it up, and put it in, and to the right, and to the right, and to the right, and to the right..."
Q: How many science fiction writers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Two. One to screw in the light bulb, and one to say, "In 1876, Jules Verne had the first intimations that electrostatic power was a viable energy alternative. Hitherto, the only sources ..."
Q: How many science fiction writers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Two, but it's actually the same person doing it. He went back in time and met himself in the doorway and then the first one sat on the other one's shoulder so that they were able to reach it. Then a major time paradox occurred and the entire room, lightbulb, changer and all was blown out of existence. They co-existed in a parallel universe, though.
Q: How many signal processing engineers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Three. One to Fouriev transform the lightbulb, one to apply a complex exponential rotational shifting operator, and one to inverse transform the removed lightbulb.
Q: How many aerospace engineers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. It doesn't take a rocket scientist, you know.
Q: How many Einsteins does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: That depends on the speed of the changer, and the mass of the bulb. Or vice versa, of course. Then it just might be easier to leave the bulb alone and change the room. It's all relative.
24 Leap Day Jokes - Make Every February 29th memorable
![24 Leap Day Jokes - Make Every February 29th memorable](/jokes-archive/2024/02/29/24-Leap-Day-Jokes-Make-Every-February-29th-memorable.png.400.jpg)
Trying to figure out why 2024 will be longer than 2023…
But so far, nothing leaps to mind.
What’s a great thing about leap-year jokes?
That you only hear them repeated every 4 years.
If a leap year has 366 days, what do you call a year with 365 days?
A light year.
Why did the man get arrested on Leap Day?
Because he was doing 29 in a 28 zone.
What do you call a frog born on February 29?
A leap frog
What do Lawyers do on leap day?
They jump to conclusions
How do you know it’s almost Leap Day?
When it is only a hop, skip and a jump away.
What do athletes wear during a Leap Year?
Jumpsuits.
What do kids play during a Leap Year?
Hop-scotch.
What do you call a surgery during a Leap Year?
A hop-eration.
Birthdays are good for your health.
Studies have shown that people with more birthdays live longer.
RIP people born on the 29th of February.
October 31st should be a leap year.
One day you’re having a good time with Halloween. Then it’s 3 years of being ghosted.
Today is a leap day.
Guess you should jump with joy.
Yo mama so old, she even lived through the first leap year.
Are you gonna buy into an annual subscription of any kind?
Do it on February 29, you might get it free for the next four years based on poor code!
Happy 2025 to all.
Remember we must skip 2024 — it’s a leap year.
What kind of music do you listen to on Leap Day?
Hip Hop
How did the leap year party go?
It was jumping all night long!
Why did the calendar feel unbalanced during leap years?
Because it had an extra day to juggle!
Why don't lions like Leap Day?
Because they are always jumping through hoops.
What does a captain do on Leap Day?
Jump ship.
I'm going to get married on February 29th, so I only have to remember our anniversary once every 4 years.
Why was February so popular with the other months?
Because it brought an extra day of fun to the party!
Why don’t we ever plan important events on February 29th?
Because it’s too risky to take a leap of faith!
Adam and Eve
![Adam and Eve](/jokes-archive/2014/03/21/Adam-and-Eve.jpg.400.jpg)
Sometimes women are overly suspicious of their husbands.... When Adam stayed out very late for a few nights, Eve became upset.
"You're running around with other women," she told her mate.
"Eve, honey, you're being unreasonable," Adam responded. "You know you're the only woman on earth."
The quarrel continued until Adam fell asleep, only to be awakened by a strange pain in the chest. It was his darling Eve poking him rather vigorously about the torso.
"What do you think you're doing?" Adam demanded.
"Counting your ribs," said Eve.
A husband is advised by a psyc...
![A husband is advised by a psyc...](/jokes-archive/2011/05/15/A-husband-is-advised-by-a-psyc-.png.400.jpg)
Of course, the husband takes the doctor's advice. He rushes home, slams the door, shakes his fist in his wife's face, and growls, "From now on, you're taking orders from me! I want my supper right now and when you get it on the table, go upstairs and lay out my best clothes. Tonight, I'm going out with the boys and you are going to stay at home where you belong! And another thing... guess who's going to comb my hair, give me a shave, and tie my necktie?"
His redheaded wife says calmly, "The undertaker."
Late one night a mugger wearin...
![Late one night a mugger wearin...](/jokes-archive/2015/11/05/Late-one-night-a-mugger-wearin-.jpg.400.jpg)
Job application
![Job application](/jokes-archive/2014/10/02/Job-application.jpg.400.jpg)
Not sure if they hired him....
NAME - Greg Bulmash
DESIRED POSITION - Reclining. Ha ha. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.
DESIRED SALARY - $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.
EDUCATION - Yes.
LAST POSITION HELD - Reclining on my mom's couch.
SALARY - Less than I'm worth.
MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT - My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.
REASON FOR LEAVING - It sucked
HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK - Any
PREFERRED HOURS - 1:30 - 3:30 pm, Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday
DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS? Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.
MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER? If I had one, would I be here?
DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS? Of what?
DO YOU HAVE A CAR? I think the more appropriate question here would be 'Do you have a car that runs?'
HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION? I may already be a winner of the Publisher's Clearinghouse Sweepstakes.
DO YOU SMOKE? Only when set on fire.
WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS? Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy super model who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.
DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE? No, but I dare you to prove otherwise.
SIGN HERE: Scorpio with Libra rising
This Guy’s Got His Panhandling Strategy Sorted
![This Guy’s Got His Panhandling Strategy Sorted](/jokes-archive/2017/12/12/This-Guy-E2-80-99s-Got-His-Panhandling-Strategy-Sorted.jpg.400.jpg)
Jose and Carlos are panhandlers that panhandle in different areas of town.
Carlos panhandles just as long as Jose but only collects $2-3 every day.
Jose brings home a suitcase FULL of $10 bills every day, drives a Mercedes, lives in a mortgage-free house and has a lot of money to spend.
One day, Carlos asked Jose: “I work just as long and hard as you do, but how do you bring home a suitcase full of $10 bills every day?”
“Look at your sign, what does it say?” replies Jose.
Carlos’ sign reads: “I have no work, a wife and six kids to support.”
Jose says: “no wonder you only get $2-3.”
‘Carlos says: “So what does your sign say then?”
Jose shows Carlos his sign – it reads: “I only need another $10 to move back to Mexico”