Jokes of the day for Tuesday, 02 July 2024
| Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Tuesday, 02 July 2024 |
How to Hug
I went to the library the other day and found a book titled "How to Hug".
Wanting to learn the secrets of intimacy I quickly grabbed the book and headed to the checkout counter.
The librarian was polite but said I couldn't check out the book because it was the seventh volume of Encyclopedia Britannica.
My wife said...
My wife said, "I can think of 14 reasons to leave you, plus your fucking obsession with the Wimbledon Championships."Half-Fare Special
One of the airlines recently introduced a special half-fare rate for wives accompanying their husbands on business trips.
Anticipating some valuable testimonials, the publicity department of the airline sent out letters to all the wives of businessmen who used the special rates, asking how they enjoyed their trip.
Responses are still pouring in asking, "What trip?"
Double negative
A linguistics professor was lecturing to his class one day. "In English," he said, "a double negative forms a positive. In some languages though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative."
"However," he pointed out, "there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative."
A voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah. Right."
Weekend at Daves..
Starting the car for the long trip back into the city, Thorn and Bill said their final good-byes to their good friend, Curly David."Thanks for puttin' us up for the weekend, pal," said Thorn.
"The food was great, the booze and dope were superb, and I really enjoyed fucking your wife."
Shortly after hitting the road, Bill turned to Thorn and said, "I hope you weren't serious about enjoying fucking his wife!"
"No, I wasn't serious. She was lousy."
Jay Mohr: Why the English Hate Americans
I dont know if youve ever been to England, but as soon as they find out youre from America, they hate you. They just think theyre more sophisticated than we are. Theyre so pissed at us. You know what it is? Theyre mad because they lost the Revolutionary War, and they should be because there was only like nine of us. Lightbulb Joke Collection 94
Q: How many archaeologists does does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Three. One to change it and two to argue about how old the old one is.
Q: How many preservation society members does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: One, but it takes a year to find an antique Edison light bulb so it'll be architecturally accurate.
Q: How many aerobics instructors does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Five. Four to do it in perfect synchrony and one to stand there going "To the left, and to the left, and to the left, and to the left, and take it out, and put it down, and pick it up, and put it in, and to the right, and to the right, and to the right, and to the right..."
Q: How many science fiction writers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Two. One to screw in the light bulb, and one to say, "In 1876, Jules Verne had the first intimations that electrostatic power was a viable energy alternative. Hitherto, the only sources ..."
Q: How many science fiction writers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Two, but it's actually the same person doing it. He went back in time and met himself in the doorway and then the first one sat on the other one's shoulder so that they were able to reach it. Then a major time paradox occurred and the entire room, lightbulb, changer and all was blown out of existence. They co-existed in a parallel universe, though.
Q: How many signal processing engineers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Three. One to Fouriev transform the lightbulb, one to apply a complex exponential rotational shifting operator, and one to inverse transform the removed lightbulb.
Q: How many aerospace engineers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. It doesn't take a rocket scientist, you know.
Q: How many Einsteins does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: That depends on the speed of the changer, and the mass of the bulb. Or vice versa, of course. Then it just might be easier to leave the bulb alone and change the room. It's all relative.
Two doctors were in a hospital...
Two doctors were in a hospital hallway one day complaining about Nurse Nancy."She's incredibly mixed up," said one doctor. "She does everything absolutely backwards. Just last week, I told her to give a patient 2 milligrams of morphine every 10 hours. She gave him 10 milligrams every 2 hours. He damn near died on us!"
The second doctor said, "That's nothing. Earlier this week, I told her to give a patient an enema every 24 hours. She tries to give him 24 enemas in one hour! The guy damn near exploded!"
Suddenly, they hear this blood-curdling scream from down the hall.
"Oh my God!" said the first doctor, "I just realized I told Nurse Nancy to prick Mr. Smith's boil!"
The epitaph
A new widow requested the epitaph "Rest in Peace" for her husband's tombstone. When she later found he had left his fortune to his mistress, she attempted to get the engraver to change the carving.
This was impossible; the words were chiseled and could not be changed.
"In that case," she said, "please add, 'Till We Meet Again.'"
found on http://www.reallyshortfunnyjokes.net/2008/12/ , posted on 27. Dec 2008
Horse Race
A champion jockey is about to enter an important race on a new horse. The horse's trainer meets him before the race and says, "All you have to remember with this horse is that every time you approach a jump, you have to shout, 'ALLLLEEE OOOP!' really loudly in the horse's ear. Providing you do that, you'll be fine."
The jockey thinks the trainer is mad but promises to shout the command. The race begins and they approach the first hurdle. The jockey ignores the trainer's ridiculous advice and the horse crashes straight through the center of the jump.
They carry on and approach the second hurdle. The jockey, somewhat embarrassed, whispers 'Aleeee ooop' in the horse's ear. The same thing happens--the horse crashes straight through the center of the jump.
At the third hurdle, the jockey thinks, "It's no good, I'll have to do it," and yells, "ALLLEEE OOOP!" really loudly. Sure enough, the horse sails over the jump with no problems. This continues for the rest of the race, but due to the earlier problems the horse only finishes third.
The trainer is fuming and asks the jockey what went wrong. The jockey replies, "Nothing is wrong with me - it's this horse. What is he - deaf or something?"
The trainer replies, "Deaf?? DEAF?? He's not deaf--he's BLIND!"
Punished
One day a little girl came home from school, and said to her mother, "Mommy, today in school I was punished for something that I didn't do."
The mother exclaimed, "But that's terrible! I'm going to have a talk with your teacher about this! By the way, what was it that you didn't do?"
The little girl replied, "My homework."
An enormously wealthy 65-year-old...
An enormously wealthy 65-year-old man falls in love with a young woman in her twenties and is contemplating proposing. "Do you think she'd marry me if I tell her I'm 45?" he asked a friend.
"Your chances are better," said the friend, "if you tell her you're 90."
Three leaders of the big beer ...
Three leaders of the big beer companies meet for a drink. The president of Budweiser orders a Bud. Miller's president orders a Millers and the president of Coors orders a Coors. When it is Guinness turn to order he orders a soda. Why didn't you order a Guinness everyone asks? Nah Guinness replies. If you guys aren't having a beer neither will I.
