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Jokes of the day for Sunday, 14 July 2024

Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Sunday, 14 July 2024

6 Double Vodkas

A guy came into a bar one day and said to the barman, "Give me six double vodkas." 
The barman says, "Wow! You must have had one hell of a day." 
"Yes, I've just found out my older brother is gay." 
The next day the same guy came into the bar and asked for the same drinks. When the bartender asked what the problem was today, the answer came back, "I've just found out that my younger brother is gay too!" 
On the third day the guy came into the bar and ordered another six double vodkas. 
The bartender says, "Geez! Doesn't anybody in your family like women?". 
"Yeah, my wife..." 

#joke #drinks #vodka
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 07 August 2022
  • Currently 8.08/10

Rating: 8.1/10 (12)

Monstrous Appetite

Why did the sea monster eat five ships that were carrying potatoes?
No one can eat just one potato ship.

#joke #short #food #potato
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 26 January 2022
  • Currently 7.54/10

Rating: 7.5/10 (13)

This little piggy...

When my wife quit work to take care of our new baby daughter, countless hours of peek-a-boo and other games slowly took their toll.

One evening my wife smacked her bare toes on the corner of a dresser and, grabbing her foot, sank to the floor.

I rushed to her side and asked what she hurt.

She looked at me through tear-filled eyes and managed to moan, "It's the piggy that ate roast beef."

#joke #food #beef
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 13 August 2015
  • Currently 4.63/10

Rating: 4.6/10 (16)

On his birthday, Chuck Norris ...

On his birthday, Chuck Norris randomly selects one lucky child to be thrown into the sun.
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 14 July 2011
  • Currently 2.97/10

Rating: 3.0/10 (64)

How much?

A man meets a woman at a bar and asks her

"Would you have sex with me for 10 million dollars?"

Without skipping a beat she screams

"Yes!"

The man then asks

"What about for $20?"

She looks at him sideways and says

"What do you think I am, a whore?"

The man says

"We've already established that you are, now we're just negotiating."

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Saturday, 14 July 2012
  • Currently 6.53/10

Rating: 6.5/10 (55)

i know him

A small town prosecuting barrister called his first witness to the stand in a trial - a attractive middle aged lady. He approached her and asked, "Ms. Jones, do you know me?"

She responded, "I do know you Mr. Leigh. I've known you since you were a young boy. And frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a rising big shot when you haven't the brains to realise you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Williams, do you know the defence attorney?"

She again replied, "Why, yes I do. I've known Mr. Knowles since he was a youngster, too. I used to baby-sit him for his parents. And he, too, has been a real disappointment to me. He's lazy, bigoted, he has a drinking problem. The man can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the shoddiest in the entire state. Yes, I know him."

At this point, the judge rapped the courtroom to silence and called both barristers to the bench. In a very quiet voice, he said with menace, "If either of you asks her if she knows me, you'll be jailed for contempt!"

#joke #lawyer
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 14 July 2011
  • Currently 6.85/10

Rating: 6.9/10 (47)

Southwest

A mother and her very young son were flying Southwest Airlines from Kansas City to Chicago. The little boy (who had been looking out the window) turned to his mother and asked, "If big dogs have baby dogs, and big cats have baby cats, why don't big airplanes have baby airplanes?"
The mother (who couldn't think of an answer) told her son to ask the stewardess.
So the boy went down the aisle and asked the stewardess. The stewardess, who was very busy at the time, smiled and said, "Did your Mom tell you to ask me?"
The boy said, "yes she did."

"Well, then, you go and tell your mother that there are no baby airplanes because Southwest always pulls out on time. Have your Mom explain that to you."  

#joke #animal #cat #dog #mother #mom
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 14 July 2021
  • Currently 9.50/10

Rating: 9.5/10 (46)

Microsoft Support

A helicopter was flying around above Seattle yesterday when an electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircraft's electronic navigation and communication equipment. Due to the clouds and haze the pilot could not determine his position or course to steer to the airport. The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, drew a handwritten sign and held it in the helicopter's window. T he sign said "WHERE AM I?"

in large letters.

People in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign and held it in a building window. Their sign said, "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER.'

The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map and determined the course to steer to SEATAC (Seattle/Tacoma) airport and landed safely.

After they were on the ground, the co-pilot asked the pilot how the "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER" sign helped determine their position.

The pilot responded, "I knew that had to be the MICROSOFT building because they gave me a technically correct but completely useless reply.

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 14 July 2010
  • Currently 6.10/10

Rating: 6.1/10 (39)

A young man proposes marriage...

A young man proposes marriage to his sweetheart. The girl replies, "If I marry you, will you promise to give up smoking?"
"Yes, I will," came the reply.
"And drinking?"
"I will give up drinking as well."
"And going to the club with your cronies?"
"Yes, I will."
"And what else will you give up for my sake?" she asked finally.
"I have already given up the idea of marrying you."
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 23 November 2016
  • Currently 8.47/10

Rating: 8.5/10 (15)

April Fool's Day Prank - Tape an airhorn...

Tape an airhorn by the door handle.
#joke #short #aprilfoolsday #prank
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Saturday, 22 November 2014
  • Currently 5.00/10

Rating: 5.0/10 (1)

Confident and confidential

Son - "Dad whats the difference between confident and confidential?" 

Dad - "Hmm. You are my son. Of that I am confident. Your friend Timmy is also my son. That's confidential."

#joke #short #fruit #apple
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Tuesday, 18 November 2014
  • Currently 9.00/10

Rating: 9.0/10 (5)

Knock Knock Collection 026

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Bitter Bianca!
Bitter Bianca who?
Bitter Bianca next train out of here, pardner!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Bjorn!
Bjorn who?
Bjorn Free!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Bo!
Bo who?
Bo Geste!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Bolivia!
Boliva who?
Boliva me, I know what I'm talking about!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Bologna!
Bologna who?
Bologna & cheese!
#joke #food #cheese
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 18 January 2017
  • Currently 2.00/10

Rating: 2.0/10 (4)

They Call Me the Computer

My boss calls me "the computer"...
Nothing to do with intelligence, I go to sleep if left unattended for 15 minutes.

#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 02 September 2021
  • Currently 9.46/10

Rating: 9.5/10 (26)

Why Karaoke is better than sex...

- With Karaoke, you're always sure you can find someone worse than you are.

- You don't feel obligated to buy someone dinner for singing Karaoke with you.

- When you sing Karaoke, it's OK to have multiple partners.

- It's OK to sing Karaoke with your sister.

- With Karaoke, you never have to be sorry about forgetting your lines.

- It's OK to drink too much and sing Karaoke.

- With Karaoke, no one will complain about the size of your microphone.

- It's OK to sing Karaoke in front of your neighbors.

- You'll never feel uncomfortable knowing your parents still sing Karaoke.

- No one complains about a 3-minute Karaoke performance.

#joke #food #dinner
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Tuesday, 06 October 2015
  • Currently 2.86/10

Rating: 2.9/10 (7)

A man asked his wife...

A man asked his wife, "What would you most like for your birthday?"
She said, "I'd love to be ten again."
On the morning of her birthday, he got her up bright and early and they went to a theme park. He put her on every ride in the park - the Death Slide, The Screaming Loop, the Wall of Fear. She had a go on every ride there was. She staggered out of the theme park five hours later, her head reeling and her stomach turning. Then off to a movie theater, popcorn, cola and sweets.
At last she staggered home with her husband and collapsed into bed.
Her husband leaned over and asked, "Well, dear, what was it like being ten again?"
One eye opened and she groaned, "Actually, honey, I meant dress size!"
#joke #food #honey #drinks #cola
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 05 August 2015
  • Currently 7.20/10

Rating: 7.2/10 (5)

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