Jokes of the day for Saturday, 20 July 2024

How to report a crime

George Phillips, an elderly man from Walled Lake, Michigan, was going up to bed, when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window. George opened the back door to go turnoff the light, but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things. He phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?" He said "No," but some people are breaking into my garden shed and stealing from me ." Then the police dispatcher said "All patrols are busy, you should lock your doors and an officer will be along when one is available" George said, "Okay." He hung up the phone and counted to 30. Then he phoned the police again.

"Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I just shot and killed them both; the dogs are eating them right now," and he hung up.

Within five minutes, six Police Cars, a SWAT Team, a Helicopter, two Fire Trucks, a Paramedic and an Ambulance showed up at the Phillips' residence, and caught the burglars red-handed.

One of the Policemen said to George, "I thought you said that you'd shot them!"

George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available."

Slow Clock

My wife complained that the kitchen clock had nearly killed her mother, as it fell off the wall seconds after where she had been sitting underneath it.
That darn clock has always been slow.

Chuck Norris is so fast, he ca...

Chuck Norris is so fast, he can run around the world and punch himself in the back of the head.

Odd Rabbi Out

"I told you I was right!" cried the rabbi, but his friends insisted that nothing had happened that could not be explained by natural causes.
The rabbi was getting ready to ask for a VERY big sign, but just as he said, "Oh God...," the sky turned pitch black, the earth shook, and a deep, booming voice intoned, "HEEEEEEEE'S RIIIIIIIGHT!"
The rabbi put his hands on his hips, turned to the other three, and said, "Well?"
"So," shrugged one of the other rabbis, "now it's 3 to 2."

How The Blonde Broker Her Arm

Q: How did the blonde break her arm?

A: she fell out of a tree while she was raking leaves.

Winding up the tough guy

I was sitting at a bar one time, when I noticed that, next to me, an old drunk was hassling one of the biggest, toughest guys I'd ever seen.

The old guy was clearly blasted, and kept getting in the tough guy's face, say, "I fucked your mother."

Despite being huge and jacked, the tough guy just kept shrugging it off. The old guy laughed in the tough guy's face, saying it again. "Hey, I fucked your mother."

Then, the old man even poked him, and repeated himself, "No seriously, I fucked your mother."

At this point, finally, the tough guy had had enough. He grabbed the old man by his jacket and began to pull him out of the bar, yelling,

"That's it. We're going home, Dad. You're drunk."

My Dad Scribbles

Three boys are in the schoolyard bragging about their fathers. The first boy says, "My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, they give him $50."
The second boy says, "That's nothing. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a song, they give him $100."
The third boy says, "I got you both beat. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon. And, it takes eight people to collect all the money!"

A man walks pass a beggar on t...

A man walks pass a beggar on the corner of the street where he works. The beggar holds out his one hand and the man drops a coin into his hand.
One day the man walks pass the beggar again and notices the beggar is holding hold out both his hands. He asks: "Why are you holding out both of your hands?"
The beggar replied, "You see sir, business is going so well I decided to open another branch."

Halls Of Justice

A judge was annoyed to find that his car wouldn't start. He called a taxi, and soon one arrived at his house.
Climbing in, he told the driver to take him to the halls of justice. "Where are they," asked the driver.
"You mean to say that you don't know where the courthouse is?" asked the incredulous judge.
"The courthouse? Of course I know where that is." replied the driver. "But I thought you said you wanted to go to the 'halls of justice.'"

Never let

Never let your friends feel lonely…. Disturb them all the time.

Match

A redneck farmer from back in the hills walked twelve miles, one way, to the general store. "Heya, Wilbur," said Sam, the store owner. "Tell me, are you and Myrtle still making fires up there by rubbing stones and flint together?"
"You betcha, Sam. Ain't no 'tother way. Why?"
"Got something to show you. Something to make fire. It's called a Match."
'Match? Never heard of it."
"Watch this. If you want a fire you just do this," Sam says, taking a match and striking it on his pants."
"Huh. Well, that's something, but that ain't for me, Sam."
"Well, why not?"
"I can't be walking twelve miles to borrow your pants every time I want a fire."    

Toilet Seat

A man decides to take the opportunity while his wife is away to paint the wooden toilet seat.
The wife comes home sooner than expected, sits, and gets the seat stuck to her rear. She is understandably distraught about this and asks her husband to drive her to the doctor.
She puts on a large overcoat so as to cover the stuck seat, and they go.
When they get to the doctor's, the man lifts his wife's coat to show their predicament. The man asks, "Doctor, have you ever seen anything like this before?"
"Well, yes," the doctor replies, "but never framed."      

Work virus

There is a dangerous virus going around. It is called WORK.

If you receive WORK from your colleagues, your boss, or anyone else, via e-mail or any other means, DO NOT TOUCH IT! This virus wipes out your private life completely.

If you should come into contact with WORK, put on your jacket, take two good friends and go straight to the nearest pub.

Order the antidote known as BEER. Take the antidote repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated from your system.

Forward this warning immediately to at least 5 friends. Should you realize that you do not have 5 friends, this means that you are already infected and that WORK already controls your life.

REMEMBER, THIS VIRUS IS DEADLY!

Drunk test

A police officer pulls over this guy who's been weaving in and out of the lanes. He goes up to the guy's window and says, "Sir, I need you to blow into this breathalyzer tube."

The man says, "Sorry, officer, I can't do that. I am an asthmatic. If I do that, I'll have a really bad asthma attack."

"Okay, fine. I need you to come down to the station to give a blood sample."

"I can't do that either. I am a hemophiliac. If I do that,I'll bleed to death."

"Well, then, we need a urine sample."

"I'm sorry, officer, I can't do that either. I am also a diabetic. If I do that, I'll get really low blood sugar."

"All right, then I need you to come out here and walk this white line."

"I can't do that, officer."

"Why not?"

"Because I'm drunk."

Jeff Dunham: Sex Life of the Elderly

Jeff: I had grandparents that were well into their 80s and still were having fun.
Walter: Their 80s? The hell kind of sex is that? Was it good for you? I dont remember. It was three minutes ago!, Who are you?!?.