Jokes of the day for Monday, 19 August 2024
| Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Monday, 19 August 2024 |
Where I Come From
"Those are fighting words where I come from!"
"Well, then why don't you fight?!?!"
"Cause I ain't where I come from!"
A man walks into a bar and orders a free drink
The bartender says "Sorry mate, you have to pay up. I can't just serve a free drink The man then whispers "I have a 10 inch pianist in my pocket, and he can play a little jig for you. If I can prove that, can I get the drink then?"
The bartender ponders, but then agrees. The man pulls out the pianist, and he plays "The Entertainer" before hopping back in the man's pocket. Baffled, the bartender gives him the promised free drink.
The man whispered "I also have a magic Genie, who was the one that gave me this pianist. If I let him grant you one wish, can I get another free drink?"
The bartender, already in shock over the tiny piano man in his pocket, agrees. The man pulls out a lamp, and out comes a Genie, ready to grant wishes.
The bartender exclaims "I want a million bucks!" And all of a sudden, a million ducks enter the bar.
"Ducks?! I didn't want ducks!" The bartender shouts. The man looks at him, dead in the eyes and says "You think I wanted a 10 inch pianist?"
Different ways to say your not so bright...
A few clowns short of a circus.A few fries short of a Happy Meal.
An experiment in Artificial Stupidity.
A few beers short of a six-pack.
Dumber than a box of hair.
A few peas short of a casserole.
Doesn't have all her cornflakes in one box.
The wheel's spinning, but the hamster's dead.
One Fruit Loop shy of a full bowl.
One taco short of a combination plate.
A few feathers short of a whole duck.
All foam, no beer.
The cheese slid off her cracker.
Body by Fisher, brains by Mattel.
Couldn't pour water out of a boot with instructions on the heel.
He fell out of the stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down.
An intellect rivaled only by garden tools.
As smart as bait.
Chimney's clogged.
Doesn't have all his dogs on one leash.
Doesn't know much but leads the league in nostril hair.
Elevator doesn't go all the way to the top floor.
Forgot to pay his brain bill.
Her sewing machine's out of thread.
His antenna doesn't pick up all the channels.
His belt doesn't go through all the loops.
If he had another brain, it would be lonely.
Missing a few buttons on his remote control.
No grain in the silo.
Proof that evolution CAN go in reverse.
Receiver is off the hook.
Several nuts short of a full pouch.
Skylight leaks a little.
Slinky's kinked.
Surfing in Nebraska.
Too much yardage between the goal posts.
Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.
The lights are on, but nobody's home.
24 cents short of a quarter.
The dorm rules
On the first day of college, the Dean addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules:
"The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time."
He continued, "Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will cost you a fine of $180. Are there any questions?"
At this point, a male student in the crowd inquired: "How much for a season pass?"
Bush vs. Osama
Bush and Osama decided to settle the war once and for all. They sat down and decided to settle the whole dispute with one dogfight. They would have 5 years to breed the best fighting dog in the world and whichever side's dog won would be entitled to dominate the world.Osama found the biggest, meanest Doberman and Rottweiler female dogs in the world and bred them with the meanest Siberian wolves. They selected only the biggest and strongest puppy from the litter, and removed his siblings, which gave him all the milk. After 5 years, they came up with the biggest, meanest dog the world had ever seen. Its cage needed steel bars that were 5 " thick and nobody could get near it.
When the day came for the dog fight, Bush showed up with a strange looking animal. It was a 9 foot long Dachshund. Everyone felt sorry for Bush because there was no way that this dog could possibly last 10 seconds with the Afghanistani dog. When the cages were opened up, the Dachshund came out of it's cage, and slowly waddled over towards Osama's dog. Osama's dog snarled and leaped out of its cage and charged the American Dachshund---but when it got close enough to bite, the Dachshund opened its mouth and consumed Osama's dog in one bite. There was nothing left of his dog at all.
Osama came up to Bush, shaking his head in disbelief, "We don't understand how this could have happened. We had our best people working for 5 years with the meanest Doberman and Rottweiler female dogs in the world and the biggest, meanest Siberian wolves."
"That's nothing,", said Bush. "We had Michael Jackson's plastic surgeons working for 5 years to make that alligator look like a weenie dog."
GOD BLESS AMERICA!!!!!!!!!
Model Nun
Sister Margaret was a model nun all of her life, until she was called to get her just rewards. As she approached the pearly gates, Saint Peter said "Hold on, Sister Margaret...not so fast!""But I have been good all my life and dedicated to the work of the Lord. From the time I was taken in as an infant by the sisters at the convent to my dying breath... I have lived for this moment!" Sister Margaret exclaimed in disbelief.
"That is precisely the problem," replied St. Peter, "...you never learned right from wrong and to get into heaven, you must know the difference between right and wrong".
"Well, what can I do? I will do anything to get into heaven!" Sister Margaret pleaded.
"I am going to have to send you back down to Earth. When you get there, I want you to smoke a cigarette and call me when you are finished. We will discuss your situation then." ordered St. Peter.
Sister Margaret returned to Earth, smoked a Camel, and then immediately called St. Peter, coughing and hacking. "Saint Peter" she gasped, "I can hardly breathe, my mouth tastes terrible, my breath stinks, I feel dizzy, and I think I am going to throw up".
"Good!" replied the old saint, "Now you are finally getting a feel for right and wrong. Now go out tonight and drink some hard liquor and call me back when you are ready."
Sister Margaret phoned St. Peter immediately after taking several belts of Jack Daniels.
"Saint Peter, I feel woozy... that vile liquid burned my throat and nauseated me...it is all I can do to keep it down."
"Good...good! Now you are starting to see the difference between right and wrong," said St. Peter with delight.
"Tomorrow I want you to seek out a man and know him in the Biblical sense, and then call me."
A week passed before Sister Margaret called St. Peter and left a message:
"Yo, Pete...it's Peggy...It's gonna be a while!"
After John had purchased movie...
After John had purchased movie tickets for himself and his girlfriend, she went inside to find seats while he got some popcorn. By the time he was served, the previews were being shown and the theater was dark. John stumbled his way through the dark, sat down and gave his girlfriend a kiss.Then he heard a familiar voice say, "John, I'm back here."
Staircase
“The construction worker reported the work on the top floor of the house was proceeding fine until they got to the staircase. Then it was a downward spiral.”
Lightbulb Joke Collection 40
Q: How many body builders/weightlifters does it take to change a lightbulb ?A: 6. One to change it and 5 to say "Man, you've got huge muscles !"
Q: How many Sun readers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: 10. One to hold the bulb and nine to rotate the ladder.
Q: How many Sun readers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None, but one is enough to screw up the joke.
Q: How many blondes does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Duh.... whats a lightbulb???
Q: How many blondes does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: It depends how many blondes there are, but some people prefer it with the lights off.
Q: How many poltergeists does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Three. One to unscrew the old bulb and drop it on the floor, one to put the new bulb in, and one to move a few more things about just for good measure.
Q: How many nihilists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: There is nothing to change.
Q: How many fatalists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Sod it, we're all gonna die anyway.
A man is dining in a fancy res...
A man is dining in a fancy restaurant, and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He had been checking her out since he sat down, but lacked the nerve to talk with her.Suddenly she sneezes and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket towards the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.
"Oh my, I am so sorry," the woman says as she pops her eye back in place. "Let me buy you dessert to make it up to you."
They enjoy a wonderful dessert together, and afterwards, the woman invites him to the theater followed by drinks. After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap...and stay for breakfast the next morning.
The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed! Everything has been incredible!
"You know," he said, "you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?"
"No," she replies...
... "You just happened to catch my eye
Business One-liners 109
Fifth Law of Applied Terror: If you are given an open-book exam, you will forget your book.
Corollary: If you are given a take-home exam, you will forget where you live.
Fifth Law of Procrastination: Procrastination avoids boredom; one never has the feeling that there is nothing important to do.
Finagle's Creed: Science is true.
Don't be misled by facts.
Finagle's Laws:
1) Once a job is fouled up, anything done to improve it only makes it worse.
2) No matter what results are expected, someone is always willing to fake it.
3) No matter what the result, someone is always eager to misinterpret it.
4) No matter what results occur, someone believes it happened according to his pet theory.
5) If an experiment works, something has gone wrong.
6) In any collection of data, the figure most obviously correct, beyond all need of checking, is the mistake.
7) The perversity of the universe tends toward a maximum.
8) Do not merely believe in miracles; rely on them.
Finagle's Law Of Government Contracting: Dealing with the government is like kicking a 300-pound sponge.
Finagle's Law Of Military Superiority: The bigger they are, the harder they hit.
Finagle's Rules: 1) To study an application best, understand it thoroughly before you start.
2) Always keep a record of data.
It indicates you've been working.
3) Always draw your curves, then plot the reading.
4) In case of doubt, make it sound convincing.
I Want This Done Right
A man with a piece of paper in his hand comes into an office where another man is sitting next to a shredding machine. "Do you know how to operate this thing?" he asks. "I have an important paper here and I want to make sure this is done right."
"Sure," the other man answers. "Just put the paper in here and press this button."
The first man does so, saying, "Great. And where do the copies come out?"
