Jokes of the day for Saturday, 31 August 2024

Weak Days

If you think Thursdays are bad, just wait two days...
It will be a sadder day.

The avid golfer

Bill, an avid golfer, contacts a "Medium" and asks if there is a Golf Course in Heaven. The Medium says that his request is a big order, but he will try and find out and get back to Bill in a few days.

After several days go by, Bill finally gets a call from the Medium. "Well," said Bill, "what did ya find out?"

"I've got good news and bad news for you," said the Medium.

"OK," "what's the good news" Bill exclaimed.

"Well," there is a beautiful 36 hole golf course in Heaven, and you'll have 24 hour access with your own personal caddy," blurted out the Medium.

"And the bad news?" asked Bill.

"You're due to tee-off this Sunday at around 10:30 in the morning."

How much wood would a woodchuc...

How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could Chuck Norris? ...All of it.

Louis C.K.: Working in Fast Food

The guy came up to me, my manager, the first day and said, I want you to go to all the tables, scrape the gum off with a butter knife. And I was thinking, Im not doing that. Im definitely not doing it. But I thought, why just say, No! The hell with you! and get fired? Thats boring. Instead I said to him, Yeah, OK. Ill do it. Then, I didnt do it, and he came up to me later: Did you scrape the gum off the tables? I was like, Oh, yeah, of course I did, sure. And later, he comes up, he goes, You didnt scrape the gum off the tables? Im like, Ah! No. Damn. Are you gonna do it? Yeah, of course Im gonna do it. Three days later, I got fired. I got paid for three days.

Corruption

At the height of a political corruption trial, the prosecuting attorney attacked a witness. "Isn't it true," he bellowed, "that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?"

The witness stared out the window, as though he hadn't hear the question.

"Isn't it true that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?" the lawyer repeated. The witness still did not respond.

Finally, the judge leaned over and said, "Sir, please answer the question."

"Oh," the startled witness said, "I thought he was talking to you."

Jessi Klein: Cosmo Magazine

What I love about Cosmo is it is this magazine that is pretending to be your best friend. But Cosmo hates you so much; Cosmo just wants to undermine you, and make you insecure. Like, two real stories from the cover of Cosmo recently, one of them was how to drive a man wild in under 60 seconds. Im just like, when would I ever need to do that? When would I ever be in that kind of a rush? Am I at a tollbooth?

“I’d like to order a bar piz...

“I’d like to order a bar pizza,” the idiot says.
“Shall I ask them to cut it into six or twelve slices,” the barmaid asks.
“Six, please. I could never eat twelve pieces.

Crash and Burn

Two men got out of their cars after they collided at an intersection. One took a flask from his pocket and said to the other, "Here, maybe you'd like a nip to calm your nerves."
"Thanks," he said, and took a long pull from the container. "Here, you have one, too," he added, handing back the whiskey.
"Well, I'd rather not," said the first. "At least not until after the police have been here."

World Voice Day Jokes

Today is World Voice Day! Find a joke about it!

If a pig loses its voice…
Is it disgruntled?

I lost my voice today.
I can't tell you how annoying it is.

How many voice actors does it take to change a light bulb?
Six. One to do it, and five to say, “I was offered that job!”

What do you call a narrator's favourite pair of pants?
Long story shorts.

#worldvoiceday

Childhood is like being drunk

Childhood is like being drunk. Everyone remembers what you did, except you.

This is how my week goes

This is how my week goes. Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, FridaySaturdaySunday.

Missing Puzzle Piece

My friend is losing his mind over missing a piece of his 5000 piece puzzle.
If he thinks thats bad, I'm missing 4999 pieces.

Husband and wife are waiting a...

Husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their nine children. A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the bus.
So the husband and the blind man decide to walk. After a while, the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man as he taps it on the sidewalk, and says to him, "Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick? That ticking sound is driving me crazy."
The blind man replies, "If you would've put a rubber at the end of YOUR stick, we'd be riding the bus ... so shut up."

The Two Reasons Why

I've noticed the strangest thing about men who hang out in bars a lot.
It seems they have only one of two reasons to be there.
They have no wife to go home to... or they do!

Rank of full professor

Why does it take so long to become a full professor?
Because it takes ten years to get tenure, and then another ten years to get your fingers back.