Jokes of the day for Tuesday, 10 September 2024

Bottom of the Class

“I’m worried about you always being at the bottom of your class,” said the father to his son.
“Don’t worry Dad,” he replied. “They still teach the same thing at both ends.”

No-Excuse Sunday

* Cots will be placed in the foyer for those who say, "Sunday is my only day to sleep in." * There will be a section with lounge chairs for those who feel our pews are too hard.* We will have steel helmets for those who say, "The roof will cave in if I ever came to church."* Blankets will be provided for those who think, "The church is too hot."* Fans will be provided for those who think, "The church is too cold."* Scorecards will be available for those who wish to list the hypocrites present.* One section will have trees and grass for those who like to seek God in nature.* The sanctuary will be decorated with both poinsettias and Easter lilies for those who have never seen the church without them.-

Lost weight...

Having lost weight over the past few years, a lady was discarding things from her wardrobe that no longer fit. Her seven-year-old niece was watching as she held up a huge pair of slacks.

"Wow," the lady said, "I must have worn these when I was 185."

Her niece looked puzzled, then asked, "How old are you now?"

The Watch

Little Johnny sees that his friend at school has a new watch so he asks him how he got it.
"I waited until I heard the bedsprings squeaking in my folk's bedroom and then I ran in. My father gave me a watch to get rid of me.", replied the little friend.
Little Johnny, thinking that this was a cool idea waited that night until he heard the bedsprings squeaking rhythmically and then ran into his folk's bedroom.
"What do you want!", asked the father gruffly.
"I want a watch!", said Johnny.
"Well sit down and shut up!", replied the father.     

Sister in law

I was happy. My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married.

My parents helped us in every way, my friends encouraged me, and my girlfriend? She was a dream!

There was only one thing bothering me, very much indeed, and that one thing was her younger sister.

My prospective sister-in-law was twenty years of age, wore tight mini skirts and low cut blouses. She would regularly bend down when quite near me and I got many a pleasant view of her underwear. It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else.

One day little sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived. She whispered to me that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome and didn't really want to overcome.

She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. I was in total shock and couldn't say a word.

She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want to go ahead with it just come up and get me." I was stunned. I was frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top she pulled down her panties and threw them down the stairs at me.

I stood there for a moment, then turned and went straight to the front door. I opened the door and stepped out of the house. I walked straight towards my car.

My future father-in-law was standing outside. With tears in his eyes he hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family."

The moral of this story is: Always keep your condoms in your car!

Talking Dog for Sale

A guy sees a sign in front of a house: "Talking Dog for Sale." He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard.

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a black mutt just sitting there.

"You talk?" he asks.

"Yep," the mutt replies.

"So, what's your story?"

The mutt looks up and says, "Well, I discovered my gift of talking pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running.

The jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger and I wanted to settle down. So I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded a batch of medals. Had a wife, a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

The owner says, "Ten dollars."

The guy says, "This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him, so cheap?"

The owner replies, "He's just a big liar. He didn't do any of that stuff."

The boss wondered why one of h...

The boss wondered why one of his most valued employees was absent, but had not phoned in. Needing to have an urgent work problem resolved, he dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted by a child's whispered, "Hello."
"Is your Daddy home?" he asked.
"Yes," whispered the small voice.
"May I talk with him?"
The child whispered, "No."
Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mommy there?"
"Yes."
"May I talk with her?"
Again the small voice whispered, "No."
Hoping there was someone with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, "Is anyone else there?"
"Yes," whispered the child, "a policeman."
Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman?"
"No, he's busy," whispered the child.
"Busy doing what?"
"Talking to Mommy and Daddy and the Fireman," came the whispered answer.
Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise through the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked, "What is that noise?"
"A helicopter," answered the whispering voice.
"What is going on there?" demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive.
Again, whispering, the child answered, "The search team just landed a helicopter."
Alarmed, confused, and a little frustrated, the boss asked, "What are they searching for?"
Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle..."Me!"

Chuck Norris once went skydivi...

Chuck Norris once went skydiving, but promised never to do it again. One Grand Canyon is enough.

How Can You Tell When a Blonde Has Been By Your Computer?

Q: How can you tell when a blonde been by your computer?

A: There is cheese by the mouse.

Face Painting

When my wife was sleeping, I drew Mark Hamill on her forehead.
You should have seen the Luke on her face!

Words to live by

Notice! Take lettuce from the top of the stack,or heads will roll!

Well, if Jerry Springer isn't educational TV,why does it make me feel so much smarter?

A TV can insult your intelligence, but nothingrubs it in like a computer.

I tried to get in touch with my inner child,but he isn't allowed to talk to strangers.

I have to take my paycheck to the bank.It's too little to go by itself.

I must be following my diet too closely.I keep gaining on it.

Welcome to Megacomputer's 24-hour helpline.If you have been waiting LESS than 24 hours,please remain on the line.

Whenever I'm in a mood to watch the world go by,I just keep to the posted speed limit.

Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.

One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

If man evolved from monkeys and apes,why do we still have monkeys and apes?

Pete died

Mrs. Pete Monaghan came into the newsroom to pay for her husband's obituary. She was told by the kindly newsman that it was a dollar a word. Apologizing that she only had two dollars, she wrote this obituary: "Pete died."

"I remember ol' Pete, and he deserves more than two words," said the newsman. "I'll give you three more for free."

The widow thanked him and wrote, "Pete died. Boat for sale."

Joke found on http://www.copresco.com/, published on January 1999

International Joke Day Jokes

International Joke Day, celebrated on July 1 every year, is an occasion to crack a joke or two with your friends and family.

Find funny short jokes here!

1. Why did the scarecrow win a Nobel prize?
Because she was outstanding in her field.

2. How do you know when a bike is thinking?
You can see their wheels turning.

3. Why was 6 afraid of 7?
Because 7,8,9.

4. What goes up and down but doesn’t move?
The staircase.

5. What kind of shoes do frogs love?
Open-toad!

6. How did the baby tell his mom he had a wet diaper?
He sent her a pee-mail.

7. What is a witch’s favorite subject in school?
Spelling.

8. What’s brown and sticky?
A stick.

9. Why do ducks always pay with cash?
Because they always have bills!

10. How did Benjamin Franklin feel holding his kite when he discovered electricity?
Shocked!

11. Which superhero hits home runs?
Batman!

12. What’s Thanos’ favorite app on his phone?
Snapchat.

13. Sandy’s mum has four kids; North, West, East. What is the name of the fourth child?
Sandy, obviously!

14. What is a room with no walls?
A mushroom.

15. Why did the blue jay get in trouble at school?
For tweeting on a test!

16. What social events do spiders love to attend?
Webbings.

17. What did one pickle say to the other?
Dill with it.

18. What is brown, hairy and wears sunglasses?
A coconut on vacation.

19. Why is a football stadium always cold?
It has lots of fans!

20. What did one math book say to the other?
“I’ve got so many problems.”

21. What did the Dalmatian say after lunch?
That hit the spot!

22. What do you call two bananas on the floor?
Slippers.

23. Why did the chicken cross the playground?
To get to the other slide.

24. Why do ducks have feathers on their tails?
To cover their butt quacks.

25. How does a vampire start a letter?
“Tomb it may concern…”

26. A plane crashed in the jungle and every single person died. Who survived?
Married couples.

27. What kind of math do birds love?
Owl-gebra!

28. Why can’t you ever tell a joke around glass?
It could crack up.

29. What do you call a Star Wars droid that takes the long way around?
R2 detour.

30. How do you stop an astronaut’s baby from crying?
You rocket.

31. When does a joke become a “dad” joke?
When the punchline is a parent.

32. How much did the man sell his dead batteries for?
Nothing, they were free of charge!

A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus...

A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus she noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again.

The man seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.

The case came up in court. The judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself. The young man replied, Well your Honor, it was like this : When the lady got on the bus, I couldn’t help but notice her condition. She sat down under a sign that said, “The Double Mint Twins are coming” and I grinned.

Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, “Logan’s Liniment will reduce the swelling”, and I had to smile. Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said, “William’s Big Stick Did the Trick”, and I could hardly contain myself.

But, Your Honor, when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said, “Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident”, I just lost it.

“CASE DISMISSED !!"

Pet Store

A lady was walking down the street to work and she saw a parrot on a perch in front of a pet store. The parrot said to her, “Hey lady, you are really ugly.” Well, the lady is furious! She stormed past the store to her work.
On the way home she saw the same parrot and it said to her, “Hey lady, you are really ugly.” She was incredibly ticked now. The next day the same parrot again said to her, “Hey lady, you are really ugly.”
The lady was so ticked that she went into the store and said that she would sue the store and kill the bird. The store manager replied profusely and promised he would make sure the parrot didn’t say it again.
When the lady walked past the store that day after work the parrot called to her, “Hey lady.”
She paused and said, “Yes?”
The bird said, “You know.”