Jokes of the day for Thursday, 12 September 2024
| Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Thursday, 12 September 2024 |
Sausage Factory
There once was a man who owned a sausage factory, and he was showing his arrogant preppy son around his factory. Try as he might to impress his snobbish son, his son would just sneer. They approached the heart of the factory, where the father thought, "This should impress him!" He showed his son a machine and said "Son, this is the heart of the factory. With this machine here we can put in a pig, and out come sausages." The father, furious, thought and said, "Yes son, we call it your mother."
Loaning Weight
I never actually lose weight anymore.
Apparently, I just loan it out and it comes back with interest.
And lately, I have been getting great rates of return!
Smart kid
Bill and Marla decided that the only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie with their ten-year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony and tell him to report on all the neighborhood activities.
The boy began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation. "There's a car being towed from the parking lot," he said. "An ambulance just drove by." A few moments passed.
"Looks like the Andersons have company," he called out. "Matt's riding a new bike, and the Coopers are having sex."
Mom and Dad shot up in bed. "How do you know that?" the startled father asked.
"Their kid is standing out on the balcony too," his son replied.
Hearing Aid
A man was telling his neighbor, "I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect."
"Really," answered the neighbor . "What kind is it?"
"Twelve thirty."
Try To Explain Women
A man dies and goes to Heaven. He gets to meet GOD and asks GOD if he can ask him a few questions. "Sure," GOD says, "Go right ahead".
"OK," the man says. "Why did you make women so pretty?"
GOD says, "So you would like them."
"OK," the guy says. "But how come you made them so beautiful?"
"So you would LOVE them", GOD replies.
The man ponders a moment and then asks, "But why did you make them such airheads?"
GOD says, "So they would love you!"
Mo Mandel: Bought But Never Used
Our high school coach got caught with meth at a game. And he told the school that he had bought it, but never used it. Ive never bought drugs and not used them. Right? Theyre not condoms. Doc Steadman
Two men were standing at adjacent urinals when one said to the other, "I'll bet you were born in Newark, Ohio.""Why, that's right!" said the second man in surprise.
"And I'll bet you were circumcised when you were three days old."
"Right again. But how'd you....."
"And I'll bet it was done by old Doc Steadman."
"Well, yes, but how did you know?" asked the second man in amazement.
"Well, old Doc always cut them at a sixty-degree angle," explained the first guy, "and you're pissing on my shoe."
Signs Of Christmas
Toy ... Signs Of Christmas
Toy Store: “Ho, ho, ho spoken here.”
Bridal boutique: “Marry Christmas.”
Outside a church: “The Original Christmas Club.”
At a department store: “Big pre-Christmas sale.
Come in and mangle with the crowd.”
A Texas jewelry store: “Diamond tiaras — $70,000.
Three for $200,000.
A reducing salon: “24 Shaping Days until Christmas.”
In a stationery store: “For the man who has everything…
a calendar to remind him when payments are due.”
13 Thanksgiving Jokes and Quotes
“Thanksgiving dinners take 18 hours to prepare. They are consumed in 12 minutes. Half-times take 12 minutes. This is not coincidence.” — Erma Bombeck
“An optimist is a person who starts a new diet on Thanksgiving Day.” — Irv Kupcinet
“Growing up, Christmas was always about me, and eventually you, when I finally started to enjoy the giving part. But Thanksgiving is always about us.” — Rosecrans Baldwin
My family told me to stop telling Thanksgiving jokes ... but I told them I couldn't quit "cold turkey.”
“Be thankful for what you have; you'll end up having more. If you concentrate on what you don't have, you will never, ever have enough.” — Oprah Winfrey
If you call a large turkey a gobbler what do you call a small one? Goblet.
What does Thanksgiving have in common with Halloween? Gobble-ins!
Why did the police arrest the turkey? They suspected fowl play.
Why did the turkey play the drums in his band? Because he already had drum sticks!
“If a fellow isn't thankful for what he's got, he isn't likely to be thankful for what he's going to get.” — Frank A. Clark
If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring? Pilgrims!
“Real ballplayers pass the stuffing by rolling it up in a ball and batting it across the table with a turkey leg.” - Tom Swyers
“I suppose I will die never knowing what pumpkin pie tastes like when you have room for it.” - Robert Brault
A distraught investor called h...
A distraught investor called his financial advisor. “Is my money really all gone?” He wailed. “No, no,” the advisor answered calmly. “It’s just with somebody else!”
Louis Katz: Hippie Roommate
I made the mistake of moving in with a hippie. Hippie roommate -- horrible mistake. Apparently, when they say peace and love, what they really mean is filthy and annoying. The worst bag
I was waiting at the airport baggage carousel, and noticed that everyone else had a better bag than me.
It was… the worst case scenario.
Perform Under Pressure
I was in a job interview the other day and they asked if I could perform under pressure.
I said, "No, but I can perform Bohemian Rhapsody!"
