Jokes of the day for Thursday, 19 September 2024
| Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Thursday, 19 September 2024 |
The day after his wife vanished in a kayaking accident...
The day after his wife vanished in a kayaking accident, Long, a man from Anchorage, opened his door to find two serious-looking Alaska State Troopers standing before him."Mr. Wilkens, we regret to inform you that we have news regarding your wife," one trooper began.
"Tell me! Did you find her?" Wilkens blurted out, anxiously.
The troopers exchanged glances. One spoke, "We have some bad news, some good news, and some fantastic news. Which would you like to hear first?"
Bracing himself, a pale Mr. Wilkens responded, "Give me the bad news."
The trooper said, "I'm sorry, sir, but we recovered your wife's body in Kachemak Bay this morning."
"Oh no!" gasped Wilkens.
After a moment, he gathered himself and asked, "So, what's the good news?"
The trooper explained, "Well, when we brought her up, she had 12 twenty-five-pound king crabs and six large Dungeness crabs attached to her. We're confident you’re entitled to a share of the catch."
Stunned, Wilkens asked, "If that's the good news, then what's the fantastic news?"
With a straight face, the trooper replied, "We're pulling her up again tomorrow."
The Big Man Upstairs
Teacher: What are you grateful for?
Megan: I’m grateful for the big man upstairs.
Little Johnny: Not me, the big man upstairs drives me nuts! He practices river dancing every night for an hour.
If Women ruled the world...
- Men would sit around and wonder what WE are thinking.- Singles bars would have metal detectors to weed out men hiding wedding rings in their pockets.
- A man would no longer be considered a 'good catch' simply because he is breathing.
- Fewer women would be dieting because their ideal weight standard would increase by 40 pounds.
- Shopping would be considered an aerobic activity.
- 'Ms.' Magazine would have an annual swimsuit issue featuring scantily clad male models.
- Men would not be allowed to eat gas-producing foods within two hours of bedtime.
- Men would be secretaries for female bosses, working twice as hard for none of the credit.
- Little girls would read 'Snow White and the Seven Hunks.'
- Men would bring drinks, chips and dip to women watching soap operas.
- Men would HAVE to get Playboy for the articles, because there would be no pictures.
- Men would learn phrases like:'I'm sorry,' 'I love you,' 'You're beautiful,' 'Of course you don't look fat in that outfit.'
- Men would be judged entirely by their looks, women by their accomplishments.
- Men would pay as much attention to their woman as to their car.
- All toilet seats would be nailed down.
- Men would work on relationships as much as they work on their careers.
- TV news segments on sports would never run longer than 1 minute.
- All men would be forced to spend one month in a PMS simulator.
- During mid-life crisis, men would get hot-flashes and women would date 19-year-olds.
- Overweight men would have their weight brought to their attention constantly.
- After a baby is born, men would take a six-week paternity leave to wait on their wives hand and foot.
- For basic training, soldiers would have to take care of a two-year old for six weeks.
I can not tell a lie...
A married man and his secretary were having a torrid affair. One afternoon they couldn't contain their passion, so they rushed over to her place where they spent the afternoon making passionate love. When they were finished, they fell asleep, not waking until 8 o'clock that night.
They got dressed quickly. Then the man asked his secretary to take his shoes outside and rub them on the lawn. Bewildered, she did as he asked, thinking him pretty weird.
The man finally got home and his wife met him at the door. Upset, she asked where he'd been. The man replied, "I can not tell a lie. My secretary and I are having an affair. Today we left work early, went to her place, spent the afternoon making love, and then fell asleep. That's why I'm late."
The wife looked at him, took notice of his shoes, and yelled, "I can see those are grass stains on your shoes. YOU LIAR! You've been playing golf again, haven't you?"
Chuck Norris on a pogo stick p...
Chuck Norris on a pogo stick presents a danger to low flying aircraft.Moving Testimony
The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher which made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow."
The last guy replies, "I would like to hear them say, 'Look! He's moving!'"
Things to Ponder
I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes. Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.
The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.
Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.
There are two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead.
Life is sexually transmitted
An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.
If quitters never win, and winners never quit, then who is the fool who said, “Quit while you're ahead?”
Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die
The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach that person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.
Some people are like Slinkies . . . not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.
Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.
Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?
Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.
All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.
Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut saves you thirty cents?
In the 60′s, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.
How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
AND THE # 1 THOUGHT FOR THE DAY: You read about all these terrorists — most of them came here legally, but they hung around on these expired visas, some for as long as 10 -15 years. Now, compare that to Blockbuster; you are two days late with a video and those people are all over you. Let's put Blockbuster in charge of immigration…
You might be a redneck if ...
You might be a redneck if... You think you are an entrepreneur because of the "Dirt for Sale" sign in the front yard.
You're still scalping tickets after the concert is over.
You don't think Jeff's jokes are funny.
Your house has a kickstand.
You drive around a parking lot for fun.
Your girlfriend has ever called YOUR parents "Ma and Pa".
You have to duct tape your gloves on.
You've ever pruned your trees with a shotgun.
Someone says they spotted Bigfoot and you go buy tickets to the tractor pull.
You think that Marlboro is a cologne.
Sister Mary Ann
Sister Mary Ann, who worked for a home health agency, was making her rounds. She was visiting homebound patients when she ran out of gas.As luck would have it, a gas station was just a block away. She walked to the station to borrow a gas can and buy some gas. The attendant told her that the only gas can he owned had been loaned out, but she could wait until it was returned
Since Sister Mary Ann was on the way to see a patient, she decided not to wait and walked back to her car. She looked for something in her car that she could fill with gas and spotted the bedpan she was taking to the patient. Always resourceful, Sister Mary Ann carried the bedpan to the station, filled it with gasoline, and carried the full bedpan back to her car.
As she was pouring the gas into her tank, two Baptists watched from across the street. One of them turned to the other and said, “If it starts, I'm becoming Catholic.”
- Joke shared by Beliefnet member ShirleyGoodness
Kathleen Madigan: Smoking in Public
I was out last Sunday -- I didnt see any signs, nobody to ask, so I lit a cigarette. This woman lost all control of her bodily functions. Put it out, please, put it out. I turned around -- she was three pews away! Blind Man is Here
A Nun was taking a shower one day and she heard the door bell ring, she yelled "Who is it?"
And the person ringing the door bell yelled, "I'm the blind man."
So the Nun got out of the shower and wrapped her hair in a towel, she didn't bother putting a towel around herself because the person behind the door was blind.
She opened the door and said, "What do you want?", and the man said, "I'm here to check your blinds."
Your mama so old
Your mama so old her first Christmas was the first Christmas. 
Stomach ache
A little girl went up to her mother one day while holding her stomach saying, "Mommy, my stomach hurts."
Her mother replied, "That's because it's empty. You have to put something into it!"
She then prepared a bowl of soup. Later that day the pastor and his wife came over for dinner.
The pastor began to feel bad. Holding his head he said, "I have such a terrible headache!"
The little girl looked up at him, giving him the sweetest smile that any little child could give. Then she said:
"That's because it's empty. You have to put something into it!"
Found on http://www.crochetnmore.com posted on May 15, 2005
