Jokes of the day for Sunday, 23 February 2025
| Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Sunday, 23 February 2025 |
You have 10
A man hasn't been feeling well, so he goes to his doctor for a complete checkup. Afterward the doctor comes out with the results. "I'm afraid I have some very bad news," the doctor says: "You're dying, and you don't have much time left."
"Oh, that's terrible!" says the man: "How long have I got?"
"You have 10," the doctor says sadly.
"What do you mean, 10?" the man asks: "10 what? Months? Weeks? What?!"
"Nine, eight...."
My Kids on Ebay
Got home from work today to find my kids have been on ebay all day.
If they are still there tomorrow I will lower the price.
My husband wants me to ask you....
Brenda, pregnant with her first child, was paying a visit to her obstetrician's office. When the exam was over, she shyly began, "My husband wants me to ask you..."
"I know, I know." the doctor said, placing a reassuring hand on her shoulder, "I get asked that all the time. Sex is fine until late in the pregnancy."
"No, that's not it at all." Brenda confessed. "He wants to know if I can still mow the lawn."
Whitney Cummings: Problem With Vampires
The problem with vampires is they look like theyre 20, but theyre actually 100 years old. So youll be dating this hot, young guy who grew up in the Great Depression and hates Irish people. And then you take him out to a nightclub, and hes doing the Charleston. Or you think hes cheating on you, so you go through his journal. Youre like, Who the hell is this slut? Harriet Tubman? Who the f**k is that? Chalk One Up For The Grandparents!
An elderly man in Miami calls his son in New York and says, "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing.
Forty-five years of misery is enough."
"Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams.
"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the old man says.
"We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her," and he hangs up.
Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone, "Like heck they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this."
She calls her father immediately and screams at the old man, "You are NOT getting divorced! Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up.
The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Okay," he says, "They're coming for Passover and paying their own airfares."
Sex and athletics....
It has been determined that having sex before participating in athletic activity, such as a marathon race, does not impair the athlete's abilities.
In fact, men have known and displayed this for centuries. After sex, they glance at their watches and say, "Oops, gotta run!"
Pete Holmes: Employee Discount
What do you think the employee discount is at the Dollar Store? Do you think its just take it? How much?
A man meets a woman at a bar and asks her
"Would you have sex with me for 10 million dollars?"
Without skipping a beat she screams
"Yes!"
The man then asks
"What about for $20?"
She looks at him sideways and says
"What do you think I am, a whore?"
The man says
"We've already established that you are, now we're just negotiating."
A lawyer returns to his parked...
A lawyer returns to his parked BMW to find the headlights broken and his front bumper smashed. There's no sign of the offending vehicle, but he's relieved to see that there's a note stuck under the windshield wiper.
The lawyer picks up the note. "Sorry. I just backed into your BMW. The witnesses who saw the accident are nodding and smiling at me because they think I'm leaving my name, address and other particulars. But I'm not."
7 short jokes to make Friday even better
As I handed my Dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said,"You know, one would have been enough."
Bread is a lot like the sun.
It rises in the yeast, and sets in the waist.
My doctor told me to watch my drinking,
so I'm off to find a bar with a mirror!
Why do most people write with their right hand?
Because they don't want to write with the wrong hand.
Which celebrity is always ready for cereal?
Reese, with her spoon
I can't believe someone broke into my house and stole all of my fruit.
I am peachless!
To the person who stole my place in the queue.
I’m after you now!
Cemetery can be fun
Born 1903-Died 1942Looked up the elevator shaft to see if the
car was on the way down. It was.
******************************
In a Thurmont, Maryland, cemetery:
Here lies an Atheist
All dressed up
And no place to go.
******************************
In a London, England cemetery:
Here lies Ann Mann,
Who lived an old maid
But died an old Mann.
Dec. 8, 1767
****************************
In a Ribbesford, England, cemetery:
Anna Wallace:
The children of Israel wanted bread,
And the Lord sent them manna.
Old clerk Wallace wanted a wife,
And the Devil sent him Anna.
******************************
In a Ruidoso, New Mexico, cemetery:
Here lies Johnny Yeast..
Pardon me
For not rising.
******************************
In a Uniontown, Pennsylvania, cemetery:
Here lies the body of Jonathan Blake.
Stepped on the gas
Instead of the brake.
******************************
In a Silver City, Nevada, cemetery:
Here lays The Kid.
We planted him raw.
He was quick on the trigger
But slow on the draw.
****************************
A lawyer's epitaph in England:
Sir John Strange. .
Here lies an honest lawyer,
And that is Strange.
*****************************
John Penny's epitaph in the Wimborne, England, cemetery:
Reader, if cash thou art
In want of any,
Dig 6 feet deep;
And thou wilt find a Penny.
*****************************
In a cemetery in Hartscombe, England:
On the 22nd of June,
Jonathan Fiddle
Went out of tune.
*****************************
Anna Hopewell's grave in Enosburg Falls,Vermont
Here lies the body of our Anna -
Done to death by a banana.
It wasn't the fruit that laid her low,
But the skin of the thing that made her go.
******************************
On a grave from the 1880s in Nantucket, Massachusetts:
Under the sod and under the trees,
Lies the body of Jonathan Pease.
He is not here, there's only the pod.
Pease shelled out and went to God
*****************************
In a cemetery in England:
Remember man, as you walk by,
As you are now, so once was I.
As I am now, you soon will be.
Prepare yourself and follow me.
To which someone replied by writing on thetombstone:
To follow you I'll not consent
Until I know which way you went
******************************
Last add, from Boot Hill, in Tombstone, Arizona:
Here lies Lester Moore
One slug from a 44
No Les
No More
Adam and Eve
Sometimes women are overly suspicious of their husbands.... When Adam stayed out very late for a few nights, Eve became upset.
"You're running around with other women," she told her mate.
"Eve, honey, you're being unreasonable," Adam responded. "You know you're the only woman on earth."
The quarrel continued until Adam fell asleep, only to be awakened by a strange pain in the chest. It was his darling Eve poking him rather vigorously about the torso.
"What do you think you're doing?" Adam demanded.
"Counting your ribs," said Eve.
Teenage Daughters
There's an Englishman, Irishman & Scotsman all talking about their teenage daughters...
The Englishman says " I was cleaning my daughter's room the other day & I found a packet of cigarettes. I was really shocked as I didn't even know she smokes".
The Scotsman says " That's nothing. I was cleaning my daughter's room the other day when I came across a half full bottle of Vodka. I was really shocked as I didn't even know she drank."
With that the Irishman says " Both of you have got nothing to worry about. I was cleaning my daughter's room the other day when I found packet of condoms. I was really shocked. I didn't even know she had a cock."
