Jokes of the day for Thursday, 06 March 2025

Typical HR

"I proposed to my girl friend last night, who just got promoted to a HR position earlier in the day."
"That is cool! What did she say?"
She said, "We will get back to you soon."

Brave captain

One fine day, brave Captain Smith and his crew of sailors were sailing the ocean blue.

Suddenly, on the horizon, there loomed a ship with a skull and crossbones raised on the mast.

The crew was frantic, seeking refuge and asking the captain what to do.

Brave Captain Smith looked at the approaching ship for a moment and said, "Bring me my red shirt."

The call was taken up at once by a cabin boy. As soon as Captain Smith had the shirt in his possession, he ordered the man at the wheel to head straight for the pirate ship.

In the ensuing fight, the pirate ship was all but destroyed.

The sailors were recounting their individual triumphs afterwards when someone asked Captain Smith why he had asked for his red shirt before the battle.

He responded: "If I was wounded, I did not want your confidence to wane. This way, you would keep fighting no matter what happened to me."

The crew had a new found admiration for its captain, and they talked all night about his bravery.

About a week later, there loomed on the horizon 10 pirate ships. Once again, the crew looked to its captain for leadership.

Calmly, Captain Smith said, "Boys, bring me my brown pants!"

The juggler....

A juggler, driving to his next performance, is stopped by the police. "What are these matches and lighter fluid doing in your car?" asks the cop.

"I'm a juggler and I juggle flaming torches in my act."

"Oh yeah?" says the doubtful cop. "Lets see you do it." The juggler gets out and starts juggling the blazing torches masterfully.

A couple driving by slows down to watch. "Wow," says the driver to his wife. "I'm glad I quit drinking. Look at the test they're giving now!

The Florist

A new business was opening and one of the owner's friends wanted to send him flowers for the occasion. They arrived at the new business site and the owner read the card, which said: 'Rest in Peace.'
The owner was angry and called the florist to complain. After he had told the florist of the obvious mistake and how angry he was, the florist replied:
'Sir, I'm really sorry for the mistake, but rather than getting angry, you should imagine this - somewhere, there is a funeral taking place today, and they have flowers with a note saying: 'Congratulations on your new location!''

Tech line

The prime minister of India was at the White House.

One embarrassing moment was when President Bush said to the prime minister, 'Could you take a look at my computer?'

'I'm having some problems with it, I can't seem to get through on the tech line.'

A little boy comes down for br...

A little boy comes down for breakfast and his mother asks if he had done his chores. “Not yet,” says the little boy.
His mother tells him that until he completes them, he won't be getting any breakfast.
Well, he's a little angry, so he goes to feed the chickens and kicks one. He goes to feed the cows, and kicks a cow as well. He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig.
He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal. “How come I don't get any eggs and bacon? Why don't I have any milk in my cereal?” he asks.
“Well,” his mother says, “I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon for a week either. I also saw you kick the cow, so for a week you aren't getting any milk.”
Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat half way across the kitchen.
The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile and says, “Are you going to tell him, or shall I?”

Natasha Leggero: Male Comics

Male comics are always coming up to me, and theyre like, Hey, Natasha, dont you think youre a little attractive to be a comedian? And Im like, Dont you think youre a little ugly to be talking to me?

The Israeli Archaeologist

An archaeologist was digging in the Negev Desert in Israel and came upon a casket containing a mummy, a rather rare occurrence in Israel, to say the least. After examining it, he called Abe, the curator of the Israel museum in Jerusalem.
"I've just discovered a 3,000 year old mummy of a man who died of heart failure!" the excited scientist exclaimed. Abe replied, "Bring him in. We'll check it out."
A week later, the amazed Abe called the archaeologist. "You were right about both the mummy's age and cause of death. How in the world did you know?"
"Easy. There was a piece of paper in his hand that said, '10,000 Shekels on Goliath'."

23 short rabbit jokes and puns

What do you call a happy rabbit?
A hop-timist.

What is a rabbit’s favorite music?
Hip-hop.

What do you call a rabbit that’s raised indoors?
An in-grown hare.

What do you get if you cross a frog with a rabbit?
A bunny ribbit.

What did the rabbit give his girlfriend?
A 14-carrot ring.

Where do rabbits work?
At IHOP.

How do you know a rabbit is in a good mood?
He’s hoppy.

How do rabbits travel?
By hareplane.

What do you call a bunny transformer?
Hop-timus Prime.

Where do rabbits go after their wedding?
On their bunnymoon.

How does the Easter bunny stay fit?
Eggsercise and hareobics.

Why did the bunnies go on strike?
Because they wanted a better celery.

What do you call 50 rabbits walking backwards?
A receding hare line.

What did the bunny say to the carrot?
It’s been nice gnawing you.

A friend of mine stole a rabbit.
Then he had to make a run for it.

I bought a bunny because everyone needs
a friend who is all ears.

I used to own a rabbit,
but now he’s just some bunny that I used to know.

The Easter Bunny won’t be making his usual rounds this year.
He’s laid up with a hareline fracture.

I bought my rabbit a fancy new hutch.
But he doesn’t seem to carrot all.

You must be the Easter Bunny,
because you’ve got me all egg-cited.

I know a bald chap who put a rabbit on his head.
He wanted a head of hare.

Got in a lift with an animal that looked a bit like a rabbit.
It was a hare-raising experience.

I’m putting an official ban on rabbit puns.
They are not bunny anymore.

IT'S FINALLY FRIDAY!

IT'S FINALLY FRIDAY!

Scientific Study Shows

My local college just announced the end of a scientific study...
Results showed that out of 2,293,618,367 people, 94% are too lazy to actually read that number.

Rain Rain Go Away

It’s been raining for days now and my husband seems very depressed by it...
He keeps standing by the window, staring. If it continues, I’m going to have to let him in.

World Animal Day Jokes

On 4th October let's celebrate World Animal Day with a few chuckles:

What do you call a bear with no teeth?
A gummy bear!

Did you hear about the crazy Aussie scientist who decided to crossbreed a porcupine with a sheep?
He made an animal that is able to knit its own sweaters.

A priest, a pastor and a rabbit entered a clinic to donate blood.
The nurse asked the rabbit "what is your blood type?"
The rabbit replied "I'm probably a type-o".

Did you hear about the crazy Aussie scientist who decided to crossbreed a porcupine with a sheep?
He made an animal that is able to knit its own sweaters.

I returned my lizard to the pet store today as it wouldn't stop telling me jokes.
The store clerk said "that isn't a lizard, it is a stand up chameleon."

What happened to the frog's motorcar when the engine blew up?
It was eventually toad away.

Q: What did the goose say when he purchased a new lipstick?
A: "Put it on my bill please."

Q: Is a kangaroo able to jump higher than the Eiffel tower?
A: Of course. The Eiffel tower can't jump.

You are able to tell the gender of an ant just by placing them in water.
If they sink, girl ant. If the float, buoyant.

Q: Why didn't the leopard enjoy playing hide and seek?
A: Because he was spotted all the time.

Q: Why do chicken coops only have 2 doors?
A: Because if they had 4 doors then they would be chicken sedans!

Two men are touring through a game park when they eventually come across a lion that has not eaten for many days. The lion starts hunting the two men. One of them starts to tire and decides to say a prayer, "Please turn this lion into a Christian, Lord." He sees the lion on its knees and hears it saying a prayer: "Thank you Lord for the food I am about to receive."

I have just started a dating website for chickens.
It is not my normal job, I am just doing it..... To make hens meet

I have the heart of a lion, I also have a lifetime ban from the San Diego zoo.

#worldanimalday

Forgive Me Father

About a month ago, a man in Amsterdam felt that he needed to confess, so he went to his priest, "Forgive me Father, for I have sinned. During WWII I hid a refugee in my attic."

"Well," answered the priest, "that's not a sin."'

"But I made him agree to pay me 200 Euros for every week he stayed."

"I admit that wasn't good, but you did it for a good cause."

"Oh, thank you, Father; that eases my mind." He paused for a moment and then said, "I have one more question..."

"What is that, my son?"

"Do I have to tell him the war is over?"

Punished

One day a little girl came home from school, and said to her mother, "Mommy, today in school I was punished for something that I didn't do."

The mother exclaimed, "But that's terrible! I'm going to have a talk with your teacher about this! By the way, what was it that you didn't do?"

The little girl replied, "My homework."