Jokes of the day for Saturday, 05 July 2025

Award Winner

My dentist was voted "Dentist Of The Year"....
He didn't get a trophy, they just gave him a little plaque.

You gotta have faith

A couple of nuns who were nursing sisters had gone out to the country to minister to an outpatient. On the way back they were a few miles from home when they ran out of gas. They were standing beside their car on the shoulder when a truck approached.

Seeing ladies of the cloth in distress, the driver stopped to offer his help. The nuns explained they needed some gas. The driver of the truck said he would gladly drain some from his tank but he didnt have a bucket or can.

One of the nuns dug out a clean bedpan and asked the driver if he could use it. He said yes and proceeded to drain a couple of quarts of gas into the pan. He waved goodbye to the nuns and left.The nuns were carefully pouring the precious fluid into their gas tank when the highway patrol came by.

The trooper stopped and watched for a minute, then he said: "Sisters, I dont think it will work, but you sure have faith!"

Kevin Hart: When You Lost a Fight to Your Woman

One time, she got me so mad, we got into a fist fight. You know how you know when you lost a fight to your woman? When the cops come to your house and ask you do you want to press charges. Thats how you know it didnt go as you planned.

Chuck Norris has to use a stun...

Chuck Norris has to use a stunt double when he does crying scenes.

Birth control pills

An elderly woman went into the doctor's office. When the doctor asked why she was there, she replied, "I'd like to have some birth-control pills."

Taken aback, the doctor thought for a minute and then said, "Excuse me, Mrs. Smith, but you're 72 years old. What possible use could you have for birth control pills?"

The woman responded, "They help me sleep better."

The doctor thought some more and continued, "How in the world do birth control pills help you to sleep?"

The woman said, "Simple. I put them in my granddaughter's orange juice every morning and I sleep better at night."

A secretary walked into her bo...

A secretary walked into her boss's office and said, "I'm afraid I've got some bad news for you."
"Why do you always have to give me bad news?" he complained. "Tell me some good news for once."
"Alright, here's some good news," said the secretary. "You're not sterile."

Answering Machine Message 208

(Gameshow-announcer voice:) Hello, and welcome to Phone Tag! (Cheers in background.) If you'd like to join the game, please leave your name and number at the beep, and we'll try to reach you when you're not around. And thanks once again for playing Phone Tag!

Bob, a 70-year-old, extremely

Bob, a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy widower, shows up at
the Country Club with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy
25-year-old blonde-haired woman who knocks everyone's socks off with her
youthful sex appeal and charm and who hangs over Bob's arm and listens
intently to his every word. His buddies at the club are all aghast. At
the very first chance, they corner him and ask, 'Bob, how'd you get the
trophy girlfriend?' Bob replies, 'Girlfriend? She's my wife!' They
are knocked over, but continue to ask. 'So, how'd you persuade her to
marry you?' 'I lied about my age', Bob replies. 'What, did you tell her
you were only 50?' Bob smiles and says, 'No, I told her I was 90.'

Are You Eating Right

A woman goes to her doctor. She has a breadstick up her nose, a potato in her right ear and string bean in her left ear.
She says, "Doctor, can you help me? I don't feel well, and I cannot figure out what's wrong."
The doctor replies; "Well, you are clearly not eating properly."

Monday to Sunday ... Sunday to Monday

NY to Chicago = 1,271 km
Chicago to NY = 1,271 km

January to December = 12 months
December to January = 12 months

Ground Floor to 15th Floor = 15 floors
15th Floor to Ground Floor = 15 floors

Monday to Sunday = 6 days
Sunday to Monday = 1 DAY!!

Image credit: Rizwan Elias

Three hymns

A pastor explained to his congregation that the church was in need of some extra money, so he asked them to consider being more than generous. He offered that whoever gave the most would be able to pick three hymns.

After the offering plates were passed about the church, the pastor glanced down and noticed that someone had graciously offered a $1,000 bill. He was so excited that he immediately shared his joy with his congregation and said he'd like to personally thank the person who placed the money in the plate.

A very quiet, elderly, saintly lady in the back of the church shyly raised her hand. The pastor asked her to come to the front, so she slowly she made her way towards him.

The pastor told her how wonderful it was that she gave so much, and in thanks he asked her to pick out three hymns.

Her eyes brightened as she looked over the congregation. She pointed to the three most handsome men in the church and said, "I'll take him and him and him."

Being sarcastic at the wrong time

My death will probably be caused by being sarcastic at the wrong time.

A police officer sees a man dr...

A police officer sees a man driving around with a pickup truck full of penguins. He pulls the guy over and says, "You can't drive around with penguins in this town! Take them to the zoo immediately."
The guy says okay, and drives away. The next day, the officer sees the guy still driving around with the truck full of penguins -- and they're all wearing sunglasses. He pulls the guy over and demands, "I thought I told you to take these penguins to the zoo yesterday?" The guy replies, "I did. Today I'm taking them to the beach!"

No Church

I have always questioned if Jessie Jackson and Al Sharpton were really preachers since they have no church.

When I heard Al Sharpton was guest preacher at a black Houston Church, I decided to check him out in person and see what it was all about..........

I sat down and Sharpton came up to me, I don't know why, maybe it was because I was the only white person in the Church.

He laid his hands on my hand and said: "By the will of Jesus the Lord All Mighty, and the will of God, you will walk today."

I told him I was not paralyzed.

He came back and laid his hands on me again, and repeated the same thing.  Again I told him there is nothing wrong with me.

After the sermon I stepped outside and lo and behold, my f!**king car had been stolen!

One day in philosophy class th...

One day in philosophy class they spent a great deal of time debating whether the glass was half full or half empty. After the class, one student was feeling pretty good about himself and what he was learning at university, so when he went home he tried to continue the discussion with his family.
With maximum drama, he took a 12 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured in 6 ounces of water. Then took it into the dining room and placed it in the middle of the table. He proudly asked his family, "can anyone tell me whether this glass is half full or half empty?"
Without missing a beat, his grandmother replied, "Depends if you're drinking or pouring."