Jokes of the day for Tuesday, 04 November 2025

What Time Do We Leave?

On a recent flight to Chicago it seemed that all the departure times were coming and going.
I inquired to the ticket agent, "What good are the departure times?"
"Well," began the genial agent, "if it weren't for those posted departure times we'd have no way of finding out how late we depart."

Dog gone!

Paul got off the elevator on the 40th floor and nervously knocked on his blind date's door. She opened it and was as beautiful and charming as everyone had said.

"I'll be ready in a few minutes," she said. "Why don't you play with my dog Rollo while you are waiting? He does wonderful tricks. He rolls over, shakes hands and sits up, and if you make a hoop with your arms, he'll jump through."

The dog followed Paul onto the balcony and started rolling over. Paul made a hoop with his arms and Rollo jumped through and over the rail of the balcony. Just then, Paul's date walked out.

"Isn't Rollo the cutest, happiest dog you've ever seen?" she gushed.

Paul panicked. "To tell the truth," he said, "he seemed a little depressed to me."

A man was walking along a Cali...

A man was walking along a California beach and stumbled across an old lamp. He picked it up and rubbed it and out popped a genie.
The genie said "OK, OK. You released me from the lamp... blah, blah, blah... This is the fourth time this month and I'm getting a little sick of these wishes so you can forget about three. You only get one wish!"
The man sat and thought about it for a while and said, "I've always wanted to go to Hawaii but I'm scared to fly and I get very seasick. Could you build me a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over there to visit?"
The genie laughed and said, "That's impossible! Think of the logistics of that. How would the supports ever reach the bottom of the Pacific?
Think of how much concrete... how much steel!! No. Think of another wish."
The man said OK and tried to think of a really good wish. Finally, he said, "I've been married and divorced four times. My wives always said that I don't care and that I'm insensitive. So, I wish that I could understand women...know how they feel inside and what they're thinking when they give me the silent treatment... to know why they're crying, to know what they really want when they say 'nothing' ... to know how to make them truly happy."
The genie said, "You want that bridge two lanes or four?"

Chuck Norris counted to infini...

Chuck Norris counted to infinity. Twice.

Never Trust a Street Gang in Heaven

One day St. Peter saw a street gang walking up to the Pearly Gates.
St. Peter ran to God and said, "God, there are some low-life street gang members at the Gates. What do I do?"
God relied, "Just do what you normally do with that type. Redirect them."
St. Peter went back to carry out the order, but he suddenly came running back and yelling, "God, God, they're gone! They're gone!"
"The street gang?"
"No, the Pearly Gates!"

Are Blind Pilots Flying?

One day at a busy airport, the passengers on a commercial airliner are seated waiting for the pilot to show up so they can get under way.
The pilot and copilot finally appear in the rear of the plane and begin walking up to the cockpit through the center aisle. Both appear to be blind; the pilot is using a white cane, bumping into passengers right and left as he stumbles down the aisle. The copilot is using a guide dog. Both have their eyes covered with sunglasses.
At first, the passengers do not react thinking that it must be some sort of practical joke. After a few minutes though, the engines start revving, and the airplane begins moving down the runway.
The passengers look at each other with some uneasiness. They start whispering among themselves and look desperately to the stewardesses for reassurance.
Yet, the plane starts accelerating rapidly, and people begin panicking. Some passengers are praying, and as the plane gets closer and closer to the end of the runway, the voices are becoming more and more hysterical.
When the plane has less than twenty feet of runway left, there is a sudden change in the pitch of the shouts as everyone screams at once. At the very last moment, the plane lifts off and is airborne.
Up in the cockpit, the copilot breathes a sigh of relief and tells the pilot: "You know, one of these days the passengers aren't going to scream, and we aren't going to know when to take off!"

Doctor: What's wrong with y...

Doctor: What's wrong with your bother?
Boy: He thinks he is a chicken.
Doctor: really? How long has this been going on?
Boy: Five years.
Doctor: Five years!
Boy: We would have brought him in earlier, but we needed the eggs.

It was horrible

A store manager Bob stopped by a small manufacturing plant he spotted during his last trip through a part of the countryside in the hopes of gaining another client in the area.

However, little did Bob know that the plant manager was going to be a tough customer to please.

With a broad smile and a reassuring tone, Bob handed the plant manager a beautiful box of cigars as a gift, but the man barely gave it a sideways glance before he said,

"No cigars for me, thank you. I smoked one once, and it was horrible."

Bob is nothing if not prepared, so he offered to take the plant manager out for a few beers, but again the suggestion missed the mark.

"No alcohol for me, thank you. I drank it once, and it was horrible."

Not ready to give up just yet, Bob got a bright idea as he looked out the window and saw people playing golf.

"That's quite alright," he told the plant manager.

"How about you come and play a round of golf at my club as my personal guest?"

However, for the third time, Bob's luck struck out, as the plant manager replied,

"No golf for me, thank you. I played the sport once, and it was horrible.

" The plant manager had barely finished his sentence when a young man joined them at the table.

"Let me introduce my son, Jason,"

the plant manager said. Surprised, Bob gave the young man a quick once over before he replied,

"Let me guess, he is an only child?"

Movie

My wife said she wanted to see "Fifty Shades Of Grey".
So I showed her a picture of her hair.

7 short jokes for a good Tuesday

I asked my friend when his birthday was, and he said, "March 1st".
So I walked around the room like a soldier and asked him again.

I left my job today. I couldn’t work for that man after what he said to me.
He said: "you’re fired."

My wife and I were walking through the park today and we passed a large groups of nuns.
I said wow what an opportunity for a joke, but I’ve got none.

Daughter: "How do I look, Dad?"
Me: "With your eyes, sweetie."

A dad went into his 13 yr old daughter's bedroom to find her smoking.
"How long have you been smoking?" he shouted.
"Since I lost my virginity," she replied.
"You lost your VIRGINITY?" he shrieked. "When the hell did this happen?"
The daughter replied, "No idea, I was drunk!"

A sweet old lady on a bus offers the driver some peanuts. He eats a few and asks her why she isn't having any herself.
"Oh they're too hard on my poor teeth, I couldn't."
"Why did you buy them all then?" wonders the driver.
"You see, I just love the chocolate they're covered in!"

"Come into the bedroom and I'll show you a good time," I said to the wife.
When she came up I showed her pictures of me and my mates before I met her!

Pray Before Eating

Everyone was seated around the table as the food was being served. When little Logan received his plate, he started eating right away.
"Logan, wait until we say our prayer," his mother reminded him.
"I don't have to," the little boy replied.
"Of course you do," his mother insisted, "we say a prayer before eating at our house."

"That's at our house," Logan explained, "but this is Grandma's house and she knows how to cook."

Last year I replaced several w...

Last year I replaced several windows in my house and they were the expensive double-pane energy efficient kind. But this week I got a call from the contractor complaining that his work has been completed for a whole year and I had yet to pay for them.
Boy oh boy did we go 'round. Just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid. So, I proceeded to tell him just what his fast talking sales guy had told me last year. . that in one year the windows would pay for themselves. There was silence on the other end of the line so I just hung up and I haven't heard back. Guess I must have won that silly argument.

Once there was this man whose...

Once there was this man whose car broke down. He realized after looking for help for 10 minutes that there was a small farmhouse with an old lady sitting on the porch. He told her his unfortunate story and she gladly let him in. But first she told him, "I have three rules that you mustn't break or I'll see to it that you meet justice! But since talking hurts my throat so much, I won't tell you my rules."
She let him sleep in the laundry room. He found himself a comfortable pile of old wool sweaters. After puffing his "pillow" he realized that a pair of pants were hanging down from a clothes line over top of his new bed. Seeing that it was no big deal he pulled them down. Instantly the old lady darted into the room and said, "You broke my first rule!"
He was sent outside to sleep in the donkey's stable. Right beside him was a tiny donkey kicking him so much that he slapped it. In a flash grandma was there: "You broke the second rule. Watch out."
He was sent onto the porch to sleep. All of a sudden a big, ugly cat came along and started rubbing all over him. Being allergic to cat hair, he shaved it bald. Here came the grandma. "You broke the third rule," she starts, "I'm calling the cops."
The cops came and requested a description of what happened. The old lady said, "That man is a damned rapist. He pulled down my pants, slapped my ass and shaved my pussy!"

A guy found a penguin and show...

A guy found a penguin and showed him to a policeman.
The policeman said, "Take that penguin to the zoo, now."
Next day the policeman sees the man with the penguin again.
The policeman stops the guy and says, I told you yesterday to take the penguin to the Zoo, what on earth are you doing with the penguin in your truck again?"
The guy says, "What is there to do? Yesterday I took him to the zoo and today I'm taking him to the movies."

Marry A Lawyer

A doctor told her patient that his test results indicated that he had a rare disease and had only six months to live. "Isn't there anything I can do?", pleaded the patient. "Marry a lawyer," the doctor advised. "It will be the longest six months of your life."