Jokes of the day for Tuesday, 13 January 2026
| Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Tuesday, 13 January 2026 |
Life before computers
An application was for employmentA program was a TV show
A cursor used profanity
A keyboard was a piano!
Memory was something that you lost with age
A CD was a bank account
And if you had a 3 1/2 inch floppy
You hoped nobody found out!
Compress was something you did to garbage
Not something you did to a file
And if you unzipped anything in public
You'd be in jail for awhile!
Log on was adding wood to a fire
Hard drive was a long trip on the road
A mouse pad was where a mouse lived
And a backup happened to your commode!
Cut - you did with a pocket knife
Paste you did with glue
A web was a spider's home
And a virus was the flu!
I guess I'll stick to my pad and paper
And the memory in my head
I hear nobody's been killed in a computer crash
But when it happens they wish they were dead!
Vacation
Billy Bob and Luther were talking one afternoon when Billy Bob tells Luther, "Ya know, I reckon I'm 'bout ready for a vacation. Only this year I'm gonna do it a little different. The last few years, I took your advice about where to go.
Three years ago you said to go to Hawaii. I went to Hawaii and Earlene got pregnant.
Then two years ago, you told me to go to the Bahamas,and Earlene got pregnant again.
Last year you suggested Tahiti and darned if Earlene didn't get pregnant again."
Luther asks Billy Bob, "So, what you gonna do this year that's different?"
Billy Bob says, "This year I'm taking Earlene with me."
Chuck Norris' belly button is ...
Chuck Norris' belly button is actually a power outlet.A young Southern boy goes off...
A young Southern boy goes off to college, but about 1/3 of the waythrough the semester, he has foolishly squandered away all of the money hisparents gave him.Then he gets an idea. He calls his daddy. "Dad," he says, "you won'tbelieve the wonders that modern education are coming up with! Why,they actually have a program here at college that will teach our dog OleBlue how to talk!"
"That's absolutely amazing," his father says. "How do I get him inthat program?"
"Just send him down here with $1,000" the boy says. "I'll get himinto the course." So, his father sends the dog and the $1,000.
About 2/3 way through the semester, the money runs out. The boy callshis father again. "So how's Ole Blue doing, son," his father asks.
"Awesome, Dad, he's talking up a storm," he says, "but you just won't believethis they've had such good results with this program that they'veimplemented a new one to teach the animals how to READ!"
"READ," says his father, "No kidding! What do I have to do to get himin that program? "
Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class." His father sends themoney.
The boy now has a problem. At the end of the year, his father willfind out that the dog can neither talk, nor read. So he shoots the dog.
When he gets home at the end of the semester, his father is allexcited. "Where's Ole Blue? I just can't wait to see him talk and readsomething!"
"Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news. Yesterday morning, justbefore we left to drive home, Ole Blue was in the living room kicking backin the recliner, reading the morning paper, like he usually does. Then heturned to me and asked, ' So, is your daddy still messin' around with thatlittle redhead who lives on Oak Street ?'
The father says, "I hope you SHOT that son of a bitch before he talksto your Mother!"
"I sure did, Dad!"
"That's my boy!"
Rickey Smiley: White Church
I joined a white church because white people get out on time. You might be a redneck if 57
You might be a reneck if...You live close enough to town to get garbage service, but don't use it because they won't come down your driveway to get it.
The fellows on the big garbage moving equipment recoginze your wife.... and wave to her.
Your wife picks thru your garbage cans looking for any bait that may have grown in them since the last time you went.
You have ever removed the 3-9 zoom scope from your deer rifle to use at a KISS concert.
You have more than 2 used pampers rolling around in the back of your truck.
When you put your hunting boots on you only get them on the right feet 50% of the time.
Your idea of a neighborhood watch program is tuning into "America's Most Wanted".
You own more than two clappers.
You go to Wal-Mart to people watch.
You recycle enough Copenhagen lids to buy Christmas presents.
Two doctors were in a hospital...
Two doctors were in a hospital hallway one day complaining about Nurse Nancy."She's incredibly mixed up," said one doctor. "She does everything absolutely backwards. Just last week, I told her to give a patient 2 milligrams of morphine every 10 hours. She gave him 10 milligrams every 2 hours. He damn near died on us!"
The second doctor said, "That's nothing. Earlier this week, I told her to give a patient an enema every 24 hours. She tries to give him 24 enemas in one hour! The guy damn near exploded!"
Suddenly, they hear this blood-curdling scream from down the hall.
"Oh my God!" said the first doctor, "I just realized I told Nurse Nancy to prick Mr. Smith's boil!"
Six Quick Jokes to Kickstart Your Week with a Smile
Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?
I already have like 50 wooden balls already.
I can't believe I forgot to go to the gym yesterday.
That's 8 years in a row now.
Wife: "I just got stung by a jellyfish. quick, pee on it!"
Husband: [peeing on jellyfish] "This is for stinging my wife."
I hate it when my wife gets mad at me for being lazy.
It’s not like I did anything!
I have a contact lens problem.
I have no contact lens solution.
My wife rang me at the pub and said, “If you’re not home in 10 minutes, I’m giving the dinner I cooked you to the dog.”
I was home in 5 minutes.
I’d hate for anything to happen to the dog.
My wife asked me to buy ORGANI...
My wife asked me to buy ORGANIC vegetables from the market.I went and looked around and couldn't find any.So I grabbed an old, tired looking employee and said, "Thesevegetables are for my wife. Have they been sprayed with anypoisonous chemicals?"
"The produce guy looked at me and said, "No. You'll have todo that yourself."
Giving a man his physical, a d...
Giving a man his physical, a doctor noticed several dark, ugly bruises on his shins, so he asked, "Do you play hockey?""No."
"Do you play soccer?"
"No."
"Do you play any other physical sport?"
"Not at all. I just play bridge with my wife."
Seeing Eye Dog
A blind man is walking down the street with his seeing-eye dog. They come to a busy intersection and the dog, ignoring the high volume of traffic zooming by on the street, leads the blind man right out into thethick of the traffic. This is followed by the screech of tires and horns blaring as panicked drivers try desperately not to run the pair down.
The blind man and the dog finally reach the safety of the sidewalk on other side of the street and the blind man pulls a cookie out of his coat pocket which he offers to the dog.
A passerby, having observed the near fatal incident, can't control his amazement and says to the blind man, "Why on earth are you rewarding your dog with a cookie? He nearly got you killed!"
The blind man turns partially in his direction and replies, "To find out where his head is, so I can kick his ass."
The Young Executive & The Blonde CEO
A young executive was leaving the office late one evening when he found the Blonde CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand.
'Listen,' said the CEO, 'this is a very sensitive and important document here, and my secretary has gone for the night. Can you make this thing work for me?'
'Certainly,' said the young executive. He turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button.
'Excellent, excellent!' said the CEO, as his paper disappeared inside the machine. 'I just need one copy...'
No room at the inn
By the time the sailor pulled into a little town every hotel room was taken. "You've got to have a room somewhere," he pleaded. "Or just a bed, I don't care where."
"Well, I do have a double room with one occupant - an Air Force guy," admitted the manager, "and he might be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained in the past.
I'm not sure it'd be worth it to you."
"No problem," the tired Navy man assured him. "I'll take it." The next morning, the sailor came down to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy tailed. "How'd you sleep?" asked the manager. "Never better." The manager was impressed. "No problem with the other guy snoring?" "Nope. I shut him up in no time," said the Navy guy.
"How'd you manage that?" asked the manager.
"He was already in bed, snoring away, when I came in the room," the sailor explained. "I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, and said, 'Goodnight beautiful,'
...and he sat up all night watching me."
