Popular jokes (1 to 15)

Google's pizza

- Hello! Gordon's pizza (Pizza Hut)?
- No sir it's Google's pizza.

- So it's a wrong number? Sorry
- No sir, Google bought it (Google bought Pizza Hut).

- OK. Take my order please
- Well sir, you want the usual?

- The usual? You know me?
- According to our caller ID data sheet, in the last 12 times, you ordered pizzawith cheeses, sausage, thick crust.

- OK! This is it ...
- May I suggest to you this time ricotta, arugula with dry tomato.?

- What? I hate vegetables.
- Your cholesterol is not good, sir.

- How do you know?
- We crossed the number of your fixed line with your name, through the subscribers guide.
We have the result of your blood tests for the last 7 years.

- Okay, but I do not want this pizza!,I already take medicine ...
-Excuse me, but you have not taken the medicine regularly, from our commercial database, 4 months ago, you only purchased a box with 30 cholesterol tablets at Drugsale Network.

- I bought more from another drugstore.
- It's not showing on your credit card statement

- I paid in cash
- But you did not withdraw that much cash according to your bank statement

- I have have other source of cash
- This is not showing as per you last Tax form unless you bought them from undeclared income source.

-WHAT THE HELL?
- I'm sorry, sir, we use such information only with the intention of helping you.

- Enough! I'm sick of google, facebook, twitter, WhatsApp. I'm going to an Island without internet, cable TV, where there is no cell phone line and no one to watch me or spy on me

- I understand sir but you need to renew your passport first as it has expired 5 weeks ago

24 Leap Day Jokes - Make Every February 29th memorable

Trying to figure out why 2024 will be longer than 2023…
But so far, nothing leaps to mind.

What’s a great thing about leap-year jokes?
That you only hear them repeated every 4 years.

If a leap year has 366 days, what do you call a year with 365 days?
A light year.

Why did the man get arrested on Leap Day?
Because he was doing 29 in a 28 zone.

What do you call a frog born on February 29?
A leap frog

What do Lawyers do on leap day?
They jump to conclusions

How do you know it’s almost Leap Day?
When it is only a hop, skip and a jump away.

What do athletes wear during a Leap Year?
Jumpsuits.

What do kids play during a Leap Year?
Hop-scotch.

What do you call a surgery during a Leap Year?
A hop-eration.

Birthdays are good for your health.
Studies have shown that people with more birthdays live longer.
RIP people born on the 29th of February.

October 31st should be a leap year.
One day you’re having a good time with Halloween. Then it’s 3 years of being ghosted.

Today is a leap day.
Guess you should jump with joy.

Yo mama so old, she even lived through the first leap year.

Are you gonna buy into an annual subscription of any kind?
Do it on February 29, you might get it free for the next four years based on poor code!

Happy 2025 to all.
Remember we must skip 2024 — it’s a leap year.

What kind of music do you listen to on Leap Day?
Hip Hop

How did the leap year party go?
It was jumping all night long!

Why did the calendar feel unbalanced during leap years?
Because it had an extra day to juggle!

Why don't lions like Leap Day?
Because they are always jumping through hoops.

What does a captain do on Leap Day?
Jump ship.

I'm going to get married on February 29th, so I only have to remember our anniversary once every 4 years.

Why was February so popular with the other months?
Because it brought an extra day of fun to the party!

Why don’t we ever plan important events on February 29th?
Because it’s too risky to take a leap of faith!

22 Friday The 13th Jokes

What’s way worse than Friday the 13th?
Monday the whatever.

Why is Friday the thirteenth one of the worst days to get arrested on?
Because the judge will only be in on Monday.

What day do eggs hate most?
Fry-day the 13th!

Knock knock!
Who’s there?
Ice cream!
Ice cream who?
Ice-cream, you scream, we all scream because it’s Friday Thirteenth.

What’s the worst part about waking up to realize it’s Friday the thirteenth?
Realizing that you still have to go to work.

Why are people scared of going out of the house on Friday the thirteenth?
Because of shark attacks.

Why don’t people like going to work on Friday the thirteenth every year?
Because they hate their jobs very much for the rest of the year too.

Why do people say that Friday the thirteenth is one of the unluckiest day of the year?
Oh, don’t worry about it if you don’t know, you’ll find out.

What’s the worst thing that can happen on Friday the thirteenth?
Getting married.

Why did the old man wake up on Friday the 13th and decide that nothing bad could happen to him all day?
Because he had already gotten married.

What’s the best thing you can do on Friday the thirteenth?
Continue to be depressed about your last divorce.

Why should you play the lottery on Friday the thirteenth?
Because when you lose this time, you’ll at least expect it.

What’s the most unlucky thing that you can do on Friday the thirteenth?
Be born into the world.

Why should you never go out on a date on Friday the thirteenth?
Because everyone knows it’s the one day of the year where you won’t be lucky.

What usually happens on Friday the thirteenth?
Nothing at all.

Killers eagerly look forward to which day of the month?
Fri-Die the 13th.

Which types of people consider Friday the thirteenth as lucky as any other day?
The smart ones.

How do you know that it’s Friday the 13th?
Everyone will tell you.

Why do people consider Friday the 13th unlucky?
Because it’s not a Saturday.

What starts with the letter J and gets called the reason for the season by some people who celebrate this special holiday?
Jason.

What do you call someone who wakes up on Saturday the fourteenth?
Lucky.

What’s the most difficult part about the average Friday the thirteenth?
Making sure that you survive it.

Funny Friday the 13th Jokes to Brighten Your Day

I don't worry about Friday the 13th.
It's bad luck to be superstitious.

On Friday the 13th, I dreamt that a horse in armor was chasing me.
It was a Knightmare.

What’s the scariest thing to do on Friday the 13th?
Check your bank account.

Read more on page: 22 Friday The 13th Jokes

Whats a good pasta to make on Friday the 13th?
Fettuccine Afraid-O.

I don't have to be Freddie Krueger...
to be the man of your dreams.

Monday the 13th
sounds much worse than Friday the 13th.

Why don't mathematicians fear Friday the 13th?
Because they know it's just another irrational fear.

17 Labor Day Jokes to enjoy Monday Off

Labor Day always falls on the first Monday in September, have some jokes during 3 day weekend

Is Aunty Diane having her baby today?
Why did you think she is about to give birth?
Because you said today was Labor Day!

When is Labor Day?
About 9 months after Father’s Day.

Do you know, most people don't have to work today, because it's Labor Day.
If people are not working, shouldn’t we call today "No-Labor Day?"

What do you call a hobbit throwing a Labor Day party?
It’s just a little get-together.

Why do the employees get sick on Labor Day Weekend?
Weakened immune system.

Happy Labor Day!
Oh wait… we live on a farm. Never mind!

I told my coworker I was going skydiving labor day weekend and he asked how many feet I was diving from.
I looked down at my feet, "Just these two".

Why are locksmiths allowed to remain open on Labor Day?
They are key workers.

Why are zombies free labor?
They don’t need a living wage.

What do nuclear plants serve their workers for the Labor Day party?
Fission Chips.

Why did ancient Egyptians have a hard time recruiting laborers?
It was a pyramid scheme.

What do you call a sick co-worker?
Staff infection.

What do you call a snake that works for the Government?
A Civil Serpent.

How did a calendar factory worker get fired?
He took a day off on Labor Day.

Why do managers never go bowling with their employees?
Because they are afraid of them striking.

What is the day when most Babies are born?
Well, it’s Labor Day.

Most people enjoy a day off on Labor Day except for fire…
Fire works on the Labor Day.

30 Bacon jokes to celebrate International Bacon Day

The first Saturday in September is International Bacon Day and a day to enjoy all things bacon, including bacon jokes!

What is a pig’s favorite song?
"Don’t Go Bacon My Heart."

What’s a bacon lover’s favorite musical?
"Grease."

What’s a bacon lover’s favorite horror movie?
"Frankenswine."

What do you call a dinosaur wrapped in bacon?
Jurrasic Pork.

Why did the pig run naked across the football field?
He was streaky bacon.

Why did the bacon strip laugh?
Because the fried egg cracked a yolk!

What kind of ice cream do pigs like best?
Hoggin Daz.

Who was the smartest bacon lover that ever lived?
Albert Ein-swine.

What’s a bacon enthusiast’s favorite play?
"Hamlet."

What’s the most successful pick-up line in history?
"I’ve got bacon."

What do you call a fir tree covered in bacon?
A porky-pine!

Why was the cruise ship passenger thrown overboard?
He was hogging the bacon at the buffet.

What’s the best way to eat turkey bacon?
Gobble it up!

How do you know if the bacon you bought is real?
The package is marked ‘gen-u-swine.’

What pig is used to make spicy bacon?
Peppa Pig.

What color is the best cooked bacon?
Ma-hog-any.

What do you get when you cross a pig and a centipede?
Bacon and legs.

How do you stop Canadian bacon from curling in the skillet?
Take away its tiny broom.

How many vegans does it take to eat a strip of crispy, delicious bacon?
Just one, if no one’s looking!

What would happen if pigs could fly?
The price of bacon would skyrocket!

Why did the pig go on Ancestry.com?
He wanted to read about history in the bacon.

With what crime was the bacon thief charged?
Hamburglary.

Why was the meat packer fired?
He was bringing home the bacon.

What should you use to write secret messages about bacon?
Invisible oink.

Why did the bacon delivery driver get a traffic ticket?
He was being a road hog.

What’s the name of the best pawn shop for selling bacon?
Ham Hocks.

What’s the best vehicle for delivering bacon?
A pigup truck.

What do you call a pig who gets the test answer wrong?
Mistaken bacon.

Why did the pig go into the kitchen?
He felt like bacon.

What did the pig say at the beach?
"It’s so hot, I’m bacon!"

Pineapple Jokes

June 27th is nternational Pineapple Day! Find some jokes about it!

What do you get when you mix a Christmas tree and an iPad?
A pineapple.

Everyone thinks I’m weird because I’m addicted to ham and pineapple sandwiches.
But that’s just Hawaii roll.

What do you call a fat pineapple?
A pineapple chunk.

The next person that asks me for a pineapple juice, a cranberry juice and some lemonade with a slice of orange all in the same glass ...
is gonna get a punch.

A man goes to the doctor with a pineapple in his nose and bananas in his ears.
He says, "Doctor, what’s wrong with me?"
The doctor says, "Isn’t it obvious? You’re not eating properly."

What is a bank card’s favourite fruit?
A PIN-apple.

Why did the strawberry go out with the pineapple?
Because he couldn’t get a date.

Why was the pineapple all alone?
Because the banana split.

My sister said that onions are the only food that can make you cry.
So I threw a pineapple in her face.

What do you get when you mix a pineapple with a snake?
Ananas-conda.

Where do you get pineapple milk from?
From its pinenipples.

A person was hit by a bus after he claimed pineapple goes with pizza.
Also, I lost my bus license today.

I once put rum and pineapple into CERN’s particle accelerator.
Discovered the Piña Collider.

#PineappleDay #InternationalPineappleDay

The Panda

A panda bear walks into a restaurant and orders a meal.

After eating he pulls out a gun, shoots the place to the ground, and runs away.

Quickly the bartender runs after him yelling, "HEY YOU CAN'T DO THIS!!!"

The panda turns around and yells "Yes I can. Look me up in the encyclopedia!"

So, the bartender looks up "Panda" in the encyclopedia, and it reads

"Panda: increasingly rare species of bear that can be found in the eastern part of Asia. It eats shoots and leaves.”

Hunting jokes

Two hunters are lost in the woods.
After wandering around for a couple hours they decide to weigh their options, one says:
"I heard if you shoot in the air someone will hear and come to your rescue".
So they fire a few times in the air and wait, nothing happens so they try again a couple more times, after a few hours of this they're starting to get worried
and one says: "I hope we get help soon",
To which the other responds, "I know right, I am almost out of arrows"!

*************

"If you're planning to go to the forest, always remember to pack a radio, a flare and a pack of cards.
If you get lost, you can try to use the radio to call someone.
If you run out of batteries, you can shot the flare up into the air...
The cards? Well, if the radio doesn't work and the flare gets wet, you sit down and play solitary.
Sooner than later
someone will tap you in the shoulder to ask you
why don't you move the queen of hearts to the king of clubs"

*************

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses.
He's not breathing and his eyes are glazed, so his friend calls 911.
"My friend is dead! What should I do?"
The operator replies, "Calm down, sir.
I can help.
First make sure that he's dead."
There's a silence, then a loud bang.
Back on the phone, the guy says,
"OK, now what?"

*************

Two inexperienced hunters are out in the woods, and after a while they come upon some tracks.
"These are bear tracks!" the first hunter exclaims.
"No, idiot, they're deer tracks!" the second one retorts.
"No, moron ..."
And they go on like this for hours, until a train hits them.

The Husband Store – Still True

A store that sells new husbands has opened in Melbourne , where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:
You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!
So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband.
On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs
She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:
Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.
'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'
So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:
Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.
'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.
She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework. 'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'
Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.
She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor , where the sign reads:
Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.
PLEASE NOTE:
To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.
The first floor has wives that love sex.
The second floor has wives that love sex and have money and like beer
The third, fourth, fifth & sixth floors have never been visited.

What does two plus two equal?

A mathematician, a statistician and an accountant apply for the same job. The interviewer calls in the mathematician and asks "What does two plus two equal?"

The mathematician replies "Four." The interviewer asks "Four, exactly?" The mathematician looks at the interviewer incredulously and says "Yes, four, exactly."

Then the interviewer calls in the statistician and asks the same question "What does two plus two equal?" The statistician says "On average, four - give or take ten percent, but on average, four."

Then the interviewer calls in the accountant and poses the same question "What does two plus two equal?"

The accountant gets up, locks the door, closes the shade, sits down next to the interviewer and says "What do you want it to equal?"

28 Morbidly Amusing Dark Humor Jokes to Tickle Your Macabre Side

If you find these jokes funny, something is probably wrong with you!

I was digging in the garden and happened to find a chest with a lot of gold coins.
I wanted to run home to tell my wife about it.
Then I remembered why I was digging in the garden.

What's yellow and can't swim?
A bus full of children.

The doctor gave me one month to live, so I shot him with my gun.
The judge gave me 15 years.

What do you call a dog with no legs?
It doesn't matter what you call him, anyway he won't come.

Cremation is my final hope for a smoking-hot body.

What's the last thing in a fly's head as it hits the windshield of a car going 100 mph?
It's behind.

What's worse than biting an apple and then discovering a worm?
Biting the apple, then discovering half a worm.

When ordering dinner at a restaurant, I asked the waiter how they prepared their chicken.
He explained.
"We just tell them they're going to die."

An apple a day keeps the doctor away only if you throw it hard enough.

Why can't orphans play baseball?
They don't know where their home is.

Welcome back to Plastic Surgery Anonymous.
It's nice to see new faces here today!

Why can't you have a book on how to commit suicide in a library?
Because you wouldn't return it back.

What makes sad people jump?
Bridges.

I don't have any carbon footprint.
I drive everywhere.

I wished to die, but then I got a job.
Now I want to pass out.

What do you call a bacterial disease that is caused by two grizzlies?
Twobearculosis.

My doctor told me to stop eating red meat,
so now I dye it orange.

Why are overweight babysitters an awful idea?
The babies always get crushed when they sit on them.

How do you stop a baby from choking?
Let go of his neck.

When I see the lovers' names written on a tree, I don't find it romantic or cute.
I find it weird how people would take knives on their dates.

I was shocked when I found out my toaster was not waterproof.

A dark joke is like food,
which many people don't get.

If you think I am joking about Alzheimer's,
forget it.

Where did Lucy go during the bombing?
Everywhere.

It's important to have a perfect vocabulary.
If I had known to distinguish between anecdote and antidote, one of my good friends would still be alive.

You're not useless.
You can always be used as a bad example.

I have jokes about unemployed people,
but sadly, none work.

What did the frog say at his puppeteer's funeral?
Not a word.

Six Quick Jokes to Kickstart Your Week with a Smile

Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?
I already have like 50 wooden balls already.

I can't believe I forgot to go to the gym yesterday.
That's 8 years in a row now.

Wife: "I just got stung by a jellyfish. quick, pee on it!"
Husband: [peeing on jellyfish] "This is for stinging my wife."

I hate it when my wife gets mad at me for being lazy.
It’s not like I did anything!

I have a contact lens problem.
I have no contact lens solution.

My wife rang me at the pub and said, “If you’re not home in 10 minutes, I’m giving the dinner I cooked you to the dog.”
I was home in 5 minutes.
I’d hate for anything to happen to the dog.

True Love

Boyfriend: "Honey, on this Valentine's Day, I want to tell you something... I'm not rich like Robert. I don't have a mansion like Gary. I don't have a Porsche like Martin. But I do love you and I want to marry you."
Girlfriend: "Oh dear, I love you too... what was that you said about Martin?"

Some short Labor Day Jokes

First Monday in September is Labor Day, enjoy Monday Off.

I had a joke about Labor Day...
unfortunately it didn’t work out

Did you hear the joke about Labor Day?
It really doesn’t work for me.

What’s a laborer’s favorite exercise?
“Work-outs!”

Have some jokes during 3 day weekend and check out some older Older Labor day jokes Read more on page:

Why do locksmiths work on Labor Day?
Because they are key workers.

Why is it cheap to have zombie employees?
Because they don’t need a living wage.

What did the employee say at the end of the long weekend?
I guess it’s back to the grind!

What do you usually do on Labour Day?
As little as possible, just like every day!