Popular jokes (19021 to 19035)

Whenever I see a broken elevat

Whenever I see a broken elevator I tend to stair.

“I opened a shop sell...

“I opened a shop selling budgerigars. They're flying off the shelves.”

trying to be helpful

A good samaritan was walking home late one night when he came upon this drunk on the sidewalk. Wanting to help, he asked the drunk "do you live here?" "Yep". "Would you like me to help you upstairs?" "Yep". When they got up on the second floor, the good person asked "Is this your floor?" "Yep".

Then the good samaritan got to thinking that maybe he didn't want to face the man's irate and tired wife because she may think he was the one who got the man drunk. So, he opened the first door he came to and shoved him through it then went back downstairs. However, when he went back outside, there was another drunk. So he asked that drunk "Do you live here?" "Yep". "Would you like me to help you upstairs?" "Yep". So he did and put him in the same door with the first drunk. Then went back downstairs.

Where, to his surprise, there was another drunk. So he started over to him. But before he got to him, the drunk staggered over to a policeman and cried "Please officer, protect me from this man.

He's been doing nothing all night long but taking me upstairs and throwing me down the elevator shaft!"

Business one-liners 57

For every problem, there is a neat, plain solution...and it is always wrong.

For every vision, there is an equal and opposite revision.

Four-wheel-drive just means getting stuck in more inaccessible places.

Free advice costs nothing until you act upon it.

Free time which unexpectedly becomes available will be wasted.

Freud's 23rd law: ideas endure and prosper in inverse proportion to their soundness and validity.

Friends come and go, but enemies accumulate.

Frustration is not having anyone to blame but yourself.

Genius is 1% inspiration, and 99% perspiration.

Geologists do not dress for success unless they are trying to convince others that they are going on interviews.

A Strange Text

My wife just sent me a strange text message.
"There's a man on the bus next to me who keeps farting."
I replied, "That's okay. At least he isn't on your bus."

...

Baptizing in the Spirit

Before celebrating a baptism, the deacon approached the young father and said solemnly, “Baptism is a serious step. Are you sure you’re prepared for it?”
“I think so,” the man replied. “My wife has made appetizers and we have a caterer coming to provide plenty of cookies and cakes for our guests.”
“I don’t mean that,” the deacon replied. “I mean, are you prepared spiritually?”
“Oh sure,” came the reply. “I’ve got a keg of beer and a case of whiskey.”
This joke was reprinted from "The Book of Catholic Jokes" by Deacon Tom Sheridan, with permission of ACTA Publications. Copyright 2008. All rights reserved.

Good To Be An Italian

Top ten reasons why it's good to be Italian.

1. In-depth knowledge of bizarre pasta shapes
   
2. Unembarrassed to wear fur.
   
3. No need to worry about tax returns
   
4. Glorious military history... well, until about 400 a.d.
   
5. Can wear sunglasses inside
   
6. Political stability
   
7. Flexible working hours
   
8. Live near the Pope
   
9. Country run by Sicilian murderers
   

 Idaho Crazy Law

Riding a merry-go-round on Sundays is considered a crime.

Illegal for a man to give his sweetheart a box of candy weighing less than fifty pounds.

You may not fish on a camel's back.

Boise

Residents may not fish from a giraffe's back.

Pocatello

A person may not be seen in public without a smile on their face.

A law passed in 1912 provided that "The carrying of concealed weapons is forbidden, unless some are exhibited to public view."

#joke #animal #giraffe #fish #camel

“I wanted to bid at t

“I wanted to bid at the silent auction, but it was not aloud.”

Two elderly gentlemen from a r...

Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a
bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: 'Jack,
I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains.
I know you're about my age. How do you feel?

The Art Gallery

A woman visited a modern-art gallery. One painting was bright blue with vivid orange swirls and the one hanging next to it was black with lime-green splotches.

The artist stood nearby, so as politely as she could, the woman said to him, "I'm sorry, but I just don't understand you paintings."

"I paint what I feel inside me," the artist replied.

"I see," the woman replied innocently. "Have you tried Alka-Seltzer?"

Terrible Accident

A man was in a terrible accident, and his 'manhood' was mangled and torn from his body. His doctor assured him that modern medicine could give him back his manhood, but that his insurance wouldn't cover the surgery since it was considered cosmetic. The doctor said the cost would be $3,500 for 'small, $6,500 for 'medium, and $14,000 for 'large.'
The man was sure he would want a medium or large, but the doctor urged him to talk it over with his wife before he made any decision. The man called his wife on the phone and explained their options. The doctor came back into the room, and found the man looking dejected.
'Well, what have the two of you decided?' asked the doctor.
'She'd rather remodel the kitchen.'

Credit Card

Be sure and cancel your credit cards before you die. This is so priceless, and so, so easy to see happening, customer service being what it is today.

Two parrots sitting on a Perch...

Two parrots sitting on a Perch when one says to the other – can you smell fish?