Popular jokes (20161 to 20175)

Who to Marry

-You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming.
-- Alan, age 10
-No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with.
-- Kristen, age 10
2. WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?
Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then.
-- Camille, age 10
3. HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?
You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids.
-- Derrick, age 8
4. WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?
Both don't want any more kids.
-- Lori, age 8
5. WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?
-Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.
-- Lynnette, age 8 (isn't she a treasure)
-On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.
-- Martin, age 10
6. WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?
-When they're rich.
-- Pam, age 7
-The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that.
- - Curt, age 7
-The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do.
- - Howard, age 8
7. IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?
It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them.
-- Anita, age 9 (bless you child )
8. HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?
There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?
-- Kelvin, age 8
And the #1 Favourite is.......
9. HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?
Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a dump truck.
-- Ricky, age 10

Military computer

Military leaders succeed in building a computer able to solve any strategic or tactical problem.

They are assembled in front of the new machine and instructed to feed a difficult tactical problem into it.

They describe a hypothetical situation to the computer and then ask the pivotal question: attack or retreat?

The computer hums away for an hour and then comes up with the answer: YES.

The generals look at each other, somewhat stupefied. Finally one of them submits a second request to the computer: YES WHAT?

Instantly the computer responded: YES SIR.

Balanced person

My mother-in-law is a well balanced person.

She's got a chip on BOTH shoulders

The recent developme...

“The recent development of synthetic meat is silly - why reinvent the veal?”

The quickest way to a man's he...

The quickest way to a man's heart is with Chuck Norris' fist.

A beautiful blonde goes into a

A beautiful blonde goes into a bar and sits down next to a guy that's so homely looking, he hasn't had a date in over a year, also, he's so dumb that one night he slept with a ruler next to his head to see how long he slept.
So he figures that he has absolutely no chance in the world to score a date with this ravishing buxom blonde.
Then suddenly she strikes up a conversation with him and soon they become rather chummy. It starts to get late and the bartender calls out last drink for alcohol, then the blonde leans over to the guy and says, "Let's have this last drink at my apartment."
Taken back by her request, and trembling, the guy finally utters the word, "OK."
They get up from the bar stool arm and arm headed for the door, when the blonde stops him and says, "Before we go back to my apartment there's one thing I have to tell you, I'm on my menstrual cycle."
He says, "That's ok, I'll follow you in my Honda."

A stoner stumbles out of a party...

A stoner stumbles out of a party, and starts to walk home. One the way he bumps into a guy who is all bloody and mangled. The guy limps up to the stoner and says Call me an ambulance! The stoner looks at him for a second, smiles and says, Youre an ambulance!

Southern Farmer

A southern farmer got in his pickup and drove several miles to a neighboring farm and knocked on the farmhouse door. A young boy, about 12, opened the door. "Is yer pa home?" he asked.
"No sir, he sure ain't," the boy replied. "He went to town."
"Well," said the farmer. "Is yer ma home?"
"No, she ain't here either. She went to town with pa." "Well, then, how about yer brother, Joe, is he here?" "No sir, he went with pa and ma."
The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other, and mumbling to himself.
"Is there anything I kin do fer ya'?" inquired the young boy politely. "I know where all the tools are, if you want to borry one; Or maybe I could take a message fer pa."
Well," said the farmer uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to yer pa. It's about your brother Joe getting my daughter, Pearly Mae, pregnant."
The boy considered for a moment. "You would have to talk to pa about that," he finally conceded. "I know that pa charges $500 for the bull and $250 for the boar hog, but I really don't know how much he gets for Joe."

The show Survivor had the orig...

The show Survivor had the original premise of putting people on an island with Chuck Norris. There were no survivors, and nobody is brave enough to go to the island to retrieve the footage.

A couple are playing in the an

A couple are playing in the annual golf club championship. They are playing in a play off hole and it is down to a 6 inch putt that the wife has to make. She takes her stance and her husband can see her trembling. She putts and misses, they lose the match.
On the way home in the car her husband is fuming, "I can't believe you missed that putt! That putt was no longer than my 'willy'."
The wife just looked over at her husband and smiled and said, "Yes dear, but it was much harder!"

Solution To The Y2K Problem

The government's system administration team, working with computer manufacturers and experts in the computer industry, has found a lower cost alternative to address the Y2K (Year 2000) issue: The goal is to remove all computers from the desktop by December 31, 1999. In exchange for taking every computer, an Etch-A-Sketch will be issued to all Americans. There are many reasons for doing this:

1. No Y2K problems.

2. No technical glitches keeping working from being done.

3. No more wasted time reading and writing E-Mails.


Frequently Asked Questions (FAQs) from the Etch-A-Sketch Help Desk:


Q: My Etch-A-Sketch has funny lines all over the screen. What do I do?

A: Pick it up and shake it.


Q: How do I turn my Etch-A-Sketch off?

A: Pick it up and shake it.


Q: What's the shortcut for Undo?

A: Pick it up and shake it.


Q: How do I create a new document?

A: Pick it up and shake it.


Q: How do I set the background and foreground to the same color?

A: Pick it up and shake it.


Q: What is the proper procedure for re-booting my Etch-A-Sketch ?

A: Pick it up and shake it.


Q: How do I delete a document on my Etch-A-Sketch ?

A: Pick it up and shake it.


Q: How do I save my Etch-A-Sketch Document ?

A: Don't shake it.

During a recent password audit

During a recent password audit, our I.T. discovered a blonde was using the following password:
MikeMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofyRome
When they asked why such a long password, she said she was told that it had to be at least 8 characters long and include at least one capital.

When a man talks dirty to a wo...

When a man talks dirty to a woman, it's sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man, it's £3 a minute