Popular jokes (20176 to 20190)Jokes sorted by popularity on social networks. Popularity is sum of all all comments, likes, pluses, tweets, etc. is new measure, independant from rating with our star rating system. |
Really funny jokes-Feed the pigs
"Well, I give them acorn, corn, and things like that. Why?"
"Because I am from the Animals Protection Association and I think you don't feed them like you should, they shouldn't eat wastes."
Then he fined the farmer.
Some days later, another person arrived and asked the same question. The farmer answered: "Well, I feed them very well. I give them salmon, caviar, shrimp, steak...why?"
"Because I am from the United Nations Organization and I think it's unfair that you feed your pigs like that when there are people dying with nothing to eat."
And he fined the farmer.
Finally, another man came in and asked just the same question. The hesitant farmer answered after a few minutes: "Well, I give five dollars to each pig so they can buy whatever they want."
At school, a boy is told by a
At school, a boy is told by a classmate that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, and that this makes it very easy to blackmail them by saying, "I know the whole truth" even when you don't know anything.The boy decides to go home and try it out. As he is greeted by his mother at the front door he says, "I know the whole truth." His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, "Just don't tell your father."
Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, "I know the whole truth." The father promptly hands him $40 and says, "Please don't say a word to your mother."
Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day, when he sees the mailman at his front door. The boy greets him by saying, "I know the whole truth."
The mailman drops the mail, opens his arms and says, "Then come give your FATHER a big hug!"
One line jokes-Intoxicated
“I'm friends with my
“I'm friends with my fist, although he can be quite a knuckle head.”
Ever wonder WHY …
Ever wonder WHY …- the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?
- women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?
- don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?
- is "abbreviated" such a long word?
- is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?
- is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on "Start"?
- is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid is made with real lemons?
- is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
- is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
- isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
- When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
- didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
- do they sterilize the needle for lethal inje
- they don't make the whole plane out of the stuff that is used to make that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes?
- don't sheep shrink when it rains?
- are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
- they call the airport the terminal?
- If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
- the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?
- women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?
- don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?
- is "abbreviated" such a long word?
- is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?
- is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on "Start"?
- is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid is made with real lemons?
- is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
- is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
- isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
- When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
- didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
- do they sterilize the needle for lethal inje
- they don't make the whole plane out of the stuff that is used to make that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes?
- don't sheep shrink when it rains?
- are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
- they call the airport the terminal?
- If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
Humor About The Stupid Irish
Higgins lived in Staten Island, New York, and worked in Manhattan. He had to take the ferryboat home every night. One evening, he got down to the ferry and found there was a wait for the next boat, So Higgins decided to stop at a nearby tavern. Before long he was feeling no pain.
When he got back to the ferry slip, the ferryboat was just eight feet from the dock. Higgins, afraid of missing this one and being late for dinner, took a running leap and landed right on the deck of the boat.
"How did you like that jump, buddy?" said a proud Higgins to a deck hand.
"It was great," said the sailor. "But why didn't you wait? We were just pulling in!"
Liam had left Dublin to go up to Belfast for a bit of skydiving, Late Sunday evening he was found in tree by a farmer. What happened said the farmer, Liam replied, that his parachute failed to open, well said the farmer if you had of asked the locals before you jumped, they would have told you nothing opens here on a Sunday.
Superbowl Tickets
A guy named Bob receives a free ticket to the Superbowl from his company.
Unfortunately, when Bob arrives at the stadium he realizes the seat is in the last row in the corner of the stadium -- he is closer to the Goodyear Blimp than the field.
About halfway through the first quarter, Bob notices an empty seat 10 rows off the field right on the 50 yard line. He decides to take a chance and makes his way through the stadium and around the security guards to the empty seat.
As he sits down, he asks the gentleman sitting next to him, "Excuse me, is anyone sitting here?" The man says no.
Now, very excited to be in such a great seat for the game, Bob again inquires of the man next to him, "This is incredible! Who in their right mind would have a seat like this at the Superbowl and not use it?"
The man replies, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me, I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Superbowl we haven't been to together since we got married in 1967."
"Well, that's really sad," says Bob, "but still, couldn't you find someone to take the seat? A relative or a close friend?"
"No," the man replies, "they're all at the funeral."
Bereavement
A bereaved wido... Bereavement
A bereaved widow is at her husband's funeral. “We were married thirty- five years before he died.” She said, dabbing away the tears. “Never had an argument in all those years.”
“Amazing,” said a woman next to her. “How did you do it?”
“I outweighed him by forty pounds and he was a coward.”
Apples
The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray:"Take only ONE. God is watching."
Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.
A child had written a note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples.
Assimilation
A young Talmud scholar who left Poland for America returns
several years later to visit his family. "But where is your
beard?" asks his mother. "Mama, in America nobody wears a
beard." "But at least you keep the Sabbath?" "Mama, business
is business. In America, people work on the Sabbath." "But
kosher food you still eat?" "Mama, in America it's very
difficult to keep kosher." The old lady hesitates for a
moment and then, in a hoarse whisper, she says, "Shloime,
tell me one thing. Are you still circumcised?"
A+ story
A college class was told they had to write a short story in as few words as possible.The short story had to contain the following three things;
(1) Religion
(2) Sexuality
(3) Mystery.
There was only one A+ paper in the entire class.
Below is the A+ short story:
Good God, I'm pregnant. I wonder who did it.
Submitted by axelwang
Edited by Curtis
A bloke went to his mate's fan...
A bloke went to his mate's fancy dress party with nothing but a naked girl on his back."I'm a snail." The bloke replied.
"What a load of rubbish!" the host spat. "How can you be a snail when all you've got is that naked girl on your back?"
"That's not a naked girl, mate," the bloke replied, "that's Michelle".
Jesus in the Bathroom
A Sunday school teacher of pre-schoolers was concerned that his students might be a little confused about Jesus Christ. He wanted to make sure they understood that the birth of Jesus occurred a long time ago, that he grew up, etc. So he asked his class, "Where is Jesus today?"Steven raised his hand and said, "He's in heaven!"
Mary was called on and answered, "He's in my heart!"
Little Johnny, waving his hand furiously, blurted out, "I know! I know! He's in our bathroom!"
The whole class got very quiet, looked at the teacher, and waited for a response. The teacher was completely at a loss for a few very long seconds. He finally gathered his wits and asked Little Johnny how he knew this.
Little Johnny replied, "Well, every morning my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door, and yells: 'Jesus Christ, are you still in there?'"
