Popular jokes (20716 to 20730)

There was this young couple wh

There was this young couple who have dated since high school, but they have never had sex because the boy's mother always told him that what a woman has between her legs has teeth. For obvious reasons, the boy has always been afraid to venture down there.
They finally marry, and on their wedding night, the young groom walks out of the bathroom to find his new bride dressed in a very sexy negligee and lying invitingly on the bed. She says to him, "Oh honey, here's the moment we've been waiting for.... It's time to consummate our marriage."
He is apparently flustered, and says, "Oh, no....I'm not going down there!"
The confused bride asks, "But honey, why not?"
He turned to her and said, "Well, my mother always told me that what a woman has between her legs has teeth."
The bride laughed and said, "That's nonsense; here, let me show you." So, she whips off her negligee, spreads her legs open, and pulls her nether lips apart, saying, "See honey?... No teeth!"
The groom quickly replies, "Oh my! With gum disease like that, it's no wonder you have no teeth!!"

What Did You Learn?

Susie came home from her first day at school.

Her mother said, "Well, Honey, what did you learn today?"

"Not enough, I guess....They want me to come back again tomorrow."

Chuck Norris is the only human...

Chuck Norris is the only human being to display the Heisenberg uncertainty principle -- you can never know both exactly where and how quickly he will roundhouse-kick you in the face.

The waiter...

A waiter brings the customer the steak he ordered with his thumb over the meat.

"Are you crazy?" yelled the customer, "with your hand on my steak?"

"What" answers the waiter, "You want it to fall on the floor again?"

The Biology Song 01

Biology Christmas
THE NIGHT BEFORE DEFENCE
(or A Visit From Citrate)
Twas the night before defence, when all through te lab
Not a gel box was shaking, with stain or with MAb;
The columns were hung in the cold room with care,
In hopes that my protein, I soon could prepare;
The post-docs were nestled all smug in their beds,
While extracts of barley muddled their heads;
With the tech in the suburbs and PI the same,
I had just settled down to another video game.
When out of the fridge there arose such a clatter
I sprang from the terminal to see what was the matter.
Away to the cold box, I flew like a flash
But the stench was o'erpowering and I threw up beef hash.
The mould on the dampest of walls were cold
Had the softness of kittens only seven weeks old;
When what to my view, a thing I despise
But a half eaten sandwich and four tiny mice;
With a little old scientist, so lively and galling,
I knew at a glance was Linus Pauling.
More vapid than undergrads, his charges they came,
And he whistled, and shouted, and called them rude names.
"Now, Watson! Now Francis! You strange little modellers!
On Luria! On Bertani! You stupid old broth'lers!
To the top of the bench, to the top of the wall!
Purify! Purify! Purify all!"
As dry heaves before the commitee meeting, bend
A young student's body and his colon distend,
So up their earlobes, acytes they grew,
With a sack full of antibodies, their skin turning blue.
And then, for a second, I heard from the 'fuge,
An unbalanced rotor spinning something too huge.
Where I put down my hand, to better hear the sound,
Came the snapping of sparks from a wire sans ground.
Pauling's hair was al wavy, and I thought I must be sick
`Cause the curls in his hair looked just like a helix.
On an arm load of oranges, he started to snack
An I recalled his fetish with citrate, the quack.
His eyes were all wrinkled, but the cheeks were yet red;
Not too shabby for a man who was several years dead;
The leer of his smile was just a tad scary
And the snow on his rooftop made his head yet quite hairy;
The end of a pipette, he held in his teeth
And a pile of kimwipes lay around his big feet.
He held a small vial of something quite gel-ly,
A mercaptan no doubt, for it make him quite smelly.
He changed `round the columns, adding to the confusion
And I laughed to spite my own paranoid delusion.
A wink of his eye and a rotation of his head,
Told me whatever I drank would soon leave me dead.
He spoke not a word, just buggered up my work,
And dried all my resins, that silly old jerk.
And separating his middle finger from first, fourth and third,
That crazy, old bugger, just flipped me the bird.
He grabbed up his cohorts and ran down the hall,
And away they all flew, letting me take the fall.
That is why, dear Commitee, I am sorry to say,
I need a five year extension, starting today.

Dead Atheist

Q: What do you call a dead atheist?
A: Someone all dressed up with nowhere to go!
- Joke shared by Beliefnet member sharohio

Two bachelors, Larry and Frank...

Two bachelors, Larry and Frank, were out to dinner.

The conversation drifted from office, sports, to politics, and then to cooking.

“I got a cook book once” said Larry. “But I couldn’t do anything with it.”

“Too much fancy stuff in it, huh?” asked Frank.

“You said it, Larry replied, nodding. “Every one of those recipes began the same way: “Take a clean plate…”

You Grew Up in the 80s If...

-- You learned to swim about the same time Jaws came out and still cant swim naked at night.
-- Princes 1999 was the focal point of your plans for an end of the century party.
-- You dressed to emulate either Duran Duran, Poison, Madonna, Rick Springfield or Cyndi Lauper.
-- You wanted to be gagged with a spoon.
-- You had a poster of Bo, Luke & Daisy Duke.
-- There was nothing questionable about Bert and Ernie living together.
-- You dialed 867-5309 to see if Jenny would answer.
-- Your familys cable TV box had the three rows of numbers, and you had to move the selector switch accordingly.

If Apple invented a building m

If Apple invented a building material, would it be called the iGloo?

Knock Knock Collection 082

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Hardy!
Hardy who?
Hardy ha ha!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Harlow!
Harlow who?
Harlow will you go!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Harmon!
Harmon who?
Harmon on your side!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Harold!
Harold who?
Harold are you!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Harriet!
Harriet who?
Harriet it up!

An apple a day....

While visiting a friend who was in the hospital, I noticed several pretty nurses, each of whom was wearing a pin designed to look like an apple. I asked one nurse what the pin signified. "Nothing," she said with a smile. "It's just to keep the doctors away."

What Not to Say to a Policeman

-- I cant reach my license unless you hold my beer.
-- Sorry, Officer, I didnt realize I was driving.
-- Wow, you mustve been doing about 125 mph to keep up with me!
-- I was going to be a cop, but I decided to finish high school instead.
-- Youre not gonna check the trunk, are you?
-- You look just like my girlfriends deadbeat ex-husband.
-- The question is -- do YOU know why you pulled me over?
-- I was trying to keep up with traffic, and its miles ahead of me.
-- If you have to ask if Ive been drinking, Im not going to tell you, dude.
-- It wasnt my fault -- when I reached down to roll this joint, my gun fell off my lap and got lodged under the brake pedal.
-- Thats a sweet 9mm. You want to hold my .44 magnum?
-- If Id known I was getting a full body cavity search, I would have waxed!

These two men were traveling t

These two men were traveling through Georgia when they came to a peach farm. A sign caught their eye that said "Designer Peaches-Any Flavor". Curiosity got the best of them, so they stopped to investigate. The farmer told them that he has a peach that matches any taste they desired.
The first man indignantly said, "How about peanut butter and jelly?" The farmer fished around in one of the barrels, selected a peach, and handed to the man.
The man took a bite and said, " This tastes just like grape jelly, but where's the peanut butter?"
The farmer said, "Flip it over".
The man complied and took a bite from the other side of the peach.
He said, "I can't believe it. It tastes just like peanut butter".
The second man wasn't convinced. He said, "How about a peach that tastes like pussy?"
The farmer when back through the barrel and presented a peach to the man.
The man took a bite and shouted, "This tastes like s***!"
The farmer said, "Flip it over".

Texan in Australia
A Te...

Texan in Australia
A Texan farmer goes to Australia for a vacation. There he meets an Aussie farmer and gets to talking. The Aussie shows off his big wheat field and the Texan says, "Oh! We have wheat fields that are at least twice as large".

Then they walk around the ranch a little, and the Aussie shows off his herd of cattle. The Texan immediately says, " We have longhorns that are at least twice as large as your cows".
The conversation has, meanwhile, almost died when the Texan sees a herd of kangaroos hopping through the field. He asked, "And what are those"?
The Aussie replies with an incredulous look, "Don't you have any grasshoppers in Texas"?

A Morningside teacher was taki...

A Morningside teacher was taking a lesson about Belgium. Pointing to a town on the map, she said: "Ostend."