Popular jokes (20731 to 20745)

You Grew Up in the 80s If...

-- You learned to swim about the same time Jaws came out and still cant swim naked at night.
-- Princes 1999 was the focal point of your plans for an end of the century party.
-- You dressed to emulate either Duran Duran, Poison, Madonna, Rick Springfield or Cyndi Lauper.
-- You wanted to be gagged with a spoon.
-- You had a poster of Bo, Luke & Daisy Duke.
-- There was nothing questionable about Bert and Ernie living together.
-- You dialed 867-5309 to see if Jenny would answer.
-- Your familys cable TV box had the three rows of numbers, and you had to move the selector switch accordingly.

If Apple invented a building m

If Apple invented a building material, would it be called the iGloo?

Knock Knock Collection 082

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Hardy!
Hardy who?
Hardy ha ha!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Harlow!
Harlow who?
Harlow will you go!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Harmon!
Harmon who?
Harmon on your side!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Harold!
Harold who?
Harold are you!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Harriet!
Harriet who?
Harriet it up!

An apple a day....

While visiting a friend who was in the hospital, I noticed several pretty nurses, each of whom was wearing a pin designed to look like an apple. I asked one nurse what the pin signified. "Nothing," she said with a smile. "It's just to keep the doctors away."

What Not to Say to a Policeman

-- I cant reach my license unless you hold my beer.
-- Sorry, Officer, I didnt realize I was driving.
-- Wow, you mustve been doing about 125 mph to keep up with me!
-- I was going to be a cop, but I decided to finish high school instead.
-- Youre not gonna check the trunk, are you?
-- You look just like my girlfriends deadbeat ex-husband.
-- The question is -- do YOU know why you pulled me over?
-- I was trying to keep up with traffic, and its miles ahead of me.
-- If you have to ask if Ive been drinking, Im not going to tell you, dude.
-- It wasnt my fault -- when I reached down to roll this joint, my gun fell off my lap and got lodged under the brake pedal.
-- Thats a sweet 9mm. You want to hold my .44 magnum?
-- If Id known I was getting a full body cavity search, I would have waxed!

These two men were traveling t

These two men were traveling through Georgia when they came to a peach farm. A sign caught their eye that said "Designer Peaches-Any Flavor". Curiosity got the best of them, so they stopped to investigate. The farmer told them that he has a peach that matches any taste they desired.
The first man indignantly said, "How about peanut butter and jelly?" The farmer fished around in one of the barrels, selected a peach, and handed to the man.
The man took a bite and said, " This tastes just like grape jelly, but where's the peanut butter?"
The farmer said, "Flip it over".
The man complied and took a bite from the other side of the peach.
He said, "I can't believe it. It tastes just like peanut butter".
The second man wasn't convinced. He said, "How about a peach that tastes like pussy?"
The farmer when back through the barrel and presented a peach to the man.
The man took a bite and shouted, "This tastes like s***!"
The farmer said, "Flip it over".

Texan in Australia
A Te...

Texan in Australia
A Texan farmer goes to Australia for a vacation. There he meets an Aussie farmer and gets to talking. The Aussie shows off his big wheat field and the Texan says, "Oh! We have wheat fields that are at least twice as large".

Then they walk around the ranch a little, and the Aussie shows off his herd of cattle. The Texan immediately says, " We have longhorns that are at least twice as large as your cows".
The conversation has, meanwhile, almost died when the Texan sees a herd of kangaroos hopping through the field. He asked, "And what are those"?
The Aussie replies with an incredulous look, "Don't you have any grasshoppers in Texas"?

A Morningside teacher was taki...

A Morningside teacher was taking a lesson about Belgium. Pointing to a town on the map, she said: "Ostend."

Who Gets the Collection Money?

A priest, rabbi and televangelist were playing their usual

Wednesday round of golf, and started discussing their weekly

collections. Specifically, they started to compare how they

decided what portion of the collection to keep for themselves

and what portion to give to God.

The rabbi explains: "I draw a circle around myself and toss

the money in the air. Whatever lands in the circle I keep

for myself. Whatever lands outside the circle, I give to

God."

The priest then adds: "I use a similar method, except that

whatever lands in the circle I give to God, and whatever

lands outside the circle I keep for my personal needs."

The televangelist then proclaims: "I also use the same

method. Except, that I toss the money in the air and I

figure that whatever God wants, he can take."

 Answering Machine Message 32

Hi, you've reached the home of George Ledec. If you are calling to collect a student loan, gambling debt, or other obligation, please press 1 and hang up now. If you are selling any product or service, or requesting charitable donations, please press 2 and hang up now. Otherwise, press 3 and leave your message now. Pressing 3 is optional.

There is a fellow who is talki...

There is a fellow who is talking to his buddy and says, "I don't know what to get my wife for her birthday. She has everything, and besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants. I'm stumped." His buddy says, "I have an idea. Why don't you make up a certificate that says she can have two hours of great sex, any way she wants it. She'll probably be thrilled!" The first fellow does just that. The next day, his buddy asks, "Well, did you take my suggestion? How did it turn out?" "She loved it. She jumped up, thanked me, kissed me on the mouth, and ran out the door yelling, 'I'll see you in two hours!'"

A lady about eight months preg...

A lady about eight months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. The man seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing. She complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.

The case came up in court. The judge asked the man (about 20) what he had to say for himself.

The man replied, "Well your Honor, it was like this. When the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition. She sat under a sign that said, "The Double Mint Twins are coming" and I grinned. Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, "Sloan's Liniment will reduce the swelling" and I had to smile. Then she placed herself under a sign that said, "William's Big Stick Did the Trick" and I could hardly contain myself. BUT your Honor, when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said, "Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident...I just lost it."

"CASE DISMISSED"

Duct Tape

Q: What do The Force and duct tape have in common?

A: They both have a light side and a dark side, and they both hold the universe together.

Shania does her thing and...

Shania's estranged husband does another and never the Twains shall meet.

It seems that a young man volu

It seems that a young man volunteered for Navy service during World War II. He had such a high aptitude for aviation that he was sent right to Pensacola, skipping boot camp. The very first day at Pensacola, he soloed and was the best flier on the base. All they could do was give him his gold wings and assign him immediately to an aircraft carrier in the Pacific.
On his first day aboard, he took off and single-handedly shot down six Japanese zeroes. Then climbing up to 20,000 ft., he found nine more Japanese planes and shot them all down, too. Noting that his fuel was getting low, he descended, circled the carrier, and came in for a perfect landing on the deck.
He threw back the canopy, climbed out, and jogged over to the captain. Saluting smartly, he said, "Well, sir, how did I do on my very first day?"
The captain turned around, bowed, and replied, "You make one velly impoltant mistake!"