Popular jokes (22321 to 22335)

Insomnia cures are so common;

Insomnia cures are so common; they're a dime a dozin'.

A man took off with his family

A man took off with his family to tour the country. When he returned, his next door neighbour asked how he enjoyed the vacation.
"Well," he replied, "have you ever spent three weeks in a mini-van with those you thought you loved?"

In the Horse Parliament, the <...

In the Horse Parliament, the neighs have it.

“When the perfume fac

“When the perfume factory magnate died it was discovered that he didn't leave his heirs a scent.”

She was standing in the kitche...

She was standing in the kitchen preparing to boil eggs for breakfast, wearing only the T' shirt that she normally slept in.

As I walked in almost awake, she turned and said softly, 'You've got to make love to me this very moment. My eyes lit up and I thought I am either still dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day.

Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then gave it my all right there on the kitchen table. After wards she said, thanks and returned to the stove, her T' shirt still around her neck.

A little puzzled, I asked, 'what was that all about?'

She explained, 'The egg timer's broken!

“The thing about vamp

“The thing about vampires is they always have such biting humour.”

Bulletin Bloopers

The pastor will preach his farewell message, after which the choir will sing, "Break Forth Into Joy."

A songfest was hell at the Methodist church Wednesday.

Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.

The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The Congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

Thursday night Potluck Supper. Prayer and medication to follow.

Rabbi in bar

A Rabbi walks into a bar to use the rest room. He walks up to the bartender, and asks "Can I please use the rest room?" The place was hoppin' with music, and dancin', till they saw the Rabbi. The bartender says, "I really don't think you should."

The Rabbi again, asks, "Can I please use the rest room?" Well, the bartender says to the Rabbi, "I really don't think you should, you see, there is a statue of a beautiful naked lady, and she's only covered by a fig leaf!"

The Rabbi responded with, "Nonsense a man of my stature will not be bothered by that statue!" Well, the bartender showed the Rabbi the door at the top of the stairs.

The Rabbi proceeded to the rest room, and after a few minutes, he came back out, and the whole place was hoppin' with music and dancin' again! He went to the bartender and said, "Sir, I don't understand, when I came in here, the place was hoppin' with music and dancin', then the place became absolutely quiet. I went to the rest room, and the place is hoppin' again."

The bartender says, "Well, now you're one of us, can I get you a drink?" The Rabbi says, "I still don't understand." The bartender told him, "You see, every time the fig leaf is lifted on the statue, the lights go out in the whole place. Now, can I get you a drink?"

Why Easter Is Special

A group of four-year-olds were being questioned by their teacher in a Sunday School class. Looking across at those bright little faces, the teacher asked this question: "Does anyone know what today is?"

A little girl held up her hand and said, "Yes, today is Palm Sunday."
"That's fantastic!" the teacher said. "Now does anyone know what next Sunday is?" The sam little girl lifted her hand. "Yes," she said, "next Sunday is Easter Sunday."
The teacher was all smiles. "Oh, very good. Now...does anyone know what makes next Sunday Easter?"
On a roll the same little girl responded, "Yes, next Sunday is Easter because Jesus rose from the grave." Before the impressed teacher could congratulate her, however, the girl added, "but if He sees His shadow, He has to go back in for seven weeks."
- Joke shared by Beliefnet member mandachelle23

His pediatrician asked six-yea...

His pediatrician asked six-year-old Johnny, who watched a good many TV, adds, just to make conversation. Johnny, if you found a couple of dollars and had to spend them, what would you buy?”
“A box of Tampax,” he replied without hesitation.
“Tampax?” said the doctor. “What would you do with that?”
“Well,” said Johnny, “I do not know exactly, but it’s sure worth two dollars.
With tampax, it says on TV, you can go swimming, go horseback riding, and also go skating, any time you want to.”

Three mice are sitting around ...

Three mice are sitting around drinking and boasting about their strengths. The first mouse says "Mouse traps, Ha! I do pushups with the bar". The second mouse pulls a pill from his pocket, swallows it, and says with a grin "D-Con Rat Poison". The third mouse finishes his drink, slams his glass on the table and starts to leave. The first mouse says, "Where do you think you're going?”
"Time to go home and chase the cat”

Tap Dancing Duck

A circus owner walked into a bar to see everyone crowded about a table watching a little show. On the table was an upside down pot and a duck tap dancing on it. The circus owner was so impressed that he offered to buy the duck from its owner. After some wheeling and dealing, they settled for $10,000 for the duck and the pot.
Three days later the circus owner runs back to the bar in anger, "Your duck is a ripoff! I put him on the pot before a whole audience, and he didn't dance a single step!"

"So?" asked the ducks former owner, "did you remember to light the candle under the pot?"

A man is having a few drinks a...

A man is having a few drinks at a bar when he looks over and notices a drunk guy passed out at a table nearby. The bartender tells him the drunk is Mr.Murphy and asks the man if he could drive Mr.Murphy home. Being a good Samaritan, the man agrees. The bartender writes down the address and gives it to him.

The man walks over and tries to wake Mr.Murphy but Mr.Murphy is groggy and quite drunk. The man helps Mr.Murphy to his feet and Mr.Murphy falls to the floor in a heap. "Jeez," the man says wondering how anyone could drink so much. He takes Murphy by the arm and practically drags him out to the car. Once there he leans him against the side of his car while he looks for his keys. Mr.Murphy slides down to the ground. The man finds his keys and manages to get Murphy positioned in the car. He then drives to the address the bartender gave him.

He opens the passenger door and helps Mr.Murphy out and the guy falls to the ground. Cursing softly, now, the man helps him to his feet and practically drags him to the front door. He lets go of Mr.Murphy to knock on the door and the guy falls down again. He helps him to his feet as Mrs.Murphy answers the door.

"Hi, Mrs.Murphy, Your husband had too much to drink tonight so I gave him a ride home."

"That was nice of you," she says, looking around...... "But where's his wheelchair?"

There was a loser who couldn't...

There was a loser who couldn't get a date. He went to a bar and asked this one guy how to get a date. The guy said, "It's simple. I just say, I'm a lawyer."
So the guy went up to a pretty woman and asked her out. After she said "No," he told her that it was probably a good thing because he had a case early in the morning.
She said, "Oh!!!! Your a lawyer?"
He said, "Why,... Yes I am!"
So they went to his place and when they were in bed, screwing, he started to laugh to himself. When she asked what was so funny, he answered,
"Well, I've only been a lawyer for 15 minutes, and I'm already screwing someone!"

Pete Holmes: Not a Manly Guy

Im not a manly guy, Im not one of those guys like, Oh yeah, lets go eat some ham on the bone! Further illustrated by the fact that thats my example of what men are doing.