Popular jokes (22786 to 22800)

Might Kill Him

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Might Kill Him

A small tourist hotel was all a buzz about an afternoon wedding where the groom was 95 and the bride was 23.

The groom looked pretty feeble and the feeling was that the wedding night might kill him, because his bride was a healthy, vivacious young woman.

But lo and behold, the next morning, the bride came down the main staircase slowly, step by step, hanging onto the banister for dear life. She finally managed to get to the counter of the little shop in the hotel.

The clerk looked really concerned, "Whatever happened to you, madam? You look like you've been wrestling an alligator!"

The bride groaned, hung on to the counter and managed to speak, "Ohhh God! when he told me he'd been saving up for 75 years... I thought he meant his money!"

Little Johnny and the Pastor

One Sunday morning the pastor noticed little Johnny was standing staring up at the large plaque that hung in the foyer of the church. The young man of seven had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up and stood beside him and gazing up at the plaque he said quietly, "Good morning son."

"Good morning pastor" replied the young man not taking his eyes off the plaque. "Sir, what is this?" Johnny asked.

"Well son, these are all the people who have died in the service", replied the pastor. Soberly, they stood together staring up at the large plaque.

Little Johnny's voice barely broke the silence when he asked quietly, "Which one sir, the 8:30 or the 10:30?"

A Recently Spotted Bumper Sticker:

"God doesn't believe in atheists."

Looks Different

A kindergarten teacher at age 30 was talking to the children seated on the floor around her. She then removed her glasses to clean them.
"Wow, Miss Collins!" one child exclaimed. "You look really different without your glasses on!"
Another child piped up, "I bet she looks different when she takes her teeth out, too!"

A motorist was unknowingly cau...

A motorist was unknowingly caught in an automated speed trap that measured his speed using radar and photographed his car. He later received in the mail a ticket for $40 and a photo of his car. Instead of payment, he sent the police department a photograph of $40. Several days later, he received a letter from the police that contained another picture, this time of handcuffs. He immediately mailed in his $40.

What’s In The Sack?

Two neighbors living in New York’s stockbroker belt were discussing how they had made their respective fortunes.
One said, “When I came here from Mexico three years ago, all I had was the boots on my feet and a sack on my back. Look at me now: a $10 million house, a $3 million penthouse apartment, three classic cars worth $1 million each, a yacht worth $3 million, and $5 million in the bank.”
“That’s amazing,” said his neighbor. “Tell me, what was in the sack?”
“Twenty-four million dollars.”

Answering Machine Message 80

Hi, dudes, this is 229-3053, the Teenage Mutant Hero Turtles' secret underground hideaway. I'm afraid we're all out just now on a desperate mission to save the Planet from boring answering machine messages, but if you know what The Shredder has done to April O'Neill, or if you know where he is, or if you can think of a decent pizza recipe, just leave your name and number and we'll ring you right back. But don't say anything yet! Enemy agents may be listening. When the computer has checked they're not eavesdropping, it will make a bleeping noise and you can speak freely.

God knows....

Two rural church deacons who were having a sociable beer in the local tavern when they saw their minister drive by and take a good long look at their pickup trucks parked outside.

One deacon ducked down and said, "I hope the reverend didn't see us or recognize my pickup."

The other replied indifferently, "What difference does it make. God knows we're in here... and he's the only one who counts."

The first deacon countered, "But God won't tell my wife."

Growing Tomatoes

A beautiful woman loved growing tomatoes, but couldn't seem to get her tomatoes to turn red. One day, while taking a stroll, she came upon a gentleman neighbor who had the most beautiful garden full of huge red tomatoes.
The woman asked the gentlemen,"What do you do to get your tomatoes so red?" The gentlemen responded, "Well, twice a day I stand in front of my tomato garden naked in my trench coat and flash them. My tomatoes turn red from blushing so much."
Well, the woman was so impressed; she decided to try doing the same thing to her tomato garden to see if it would work. So twice a day for two weeks she flashed her garden hoping for the best.
One day the gentleman was passing by and asked the woman, "By the way, how did you make out? Did your tomatoes turn red?"
No", she replied, "but my cucumbers are enormous."

After successfully getting the

After successfully getting their big line items approved in the congressional spending package, two lobbyists were celebrating at a Washington restaurant.
“You know,” mused one, “it’s a crying, shame our grandchildren and great-grandchildren haven’t been born yet so they can see the terrific things the government‘s doing with their money.

A man is walking past this hou

A man is walking past this house when a used condom comes flying out of the second story window and lands squarely on his head. Rather disgusted and absolutely furious, he goes up to the front door and starts pounding on it.
An elderly man opens it and asks him what caused him to knock so loudly.
The passerby asks, "Who's in your upstairs room?"
The elderly man replies, "I can't see how it's any of your business. Since, you must know, my daughter and intended son-in-law are upstairs."
The passerby hands him the used condom and says, "Well, I just wanted you to know that your intended grandchild fell out the window!"

How to remember Greek mytholog...

How to remember Greek mythological trivia: use Agamemnemonics.

Three contractors are bidding ...

Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the Rhode Island State house in Providence, one from Cranston, and another from North Kingstown and the third, Exeter. They go with a State house official to examine the fence.
The North Kingstown contractor takes out a tape measure and does some Measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. "Well," he says, "I figure the job will run about $900: $400 for materials, $400 for my crew and $100 profit for me."
The Exeter contractor also does some measuring and figuring, and then says I can do this job for $700: $300 for materials, $300 for my crew and $100 profit for me."
The Cranston contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the State House official and whispers, "$2,700."
The official, incredulous, says, "You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?"
The Cranston contractor whispers back, "$1,000 for me, $1,000 for you, and we hire the guy from Exeter to fix the fence."

A guy was running for an eleva...

A guy was running for an elevator and he stuck his hand in to stop the doors, and the doors opened. Inside stood a blonde. He said, "Good morning, which floor are you going to?"

She responded, "3rd floor." He pushed the 3rd floor button, plus the 5th floor for himself.

As the elevator started moving the gentleman struck up a conversation and asked the blonde where she was going. She said, "I'm going to the blood bank on the 3rd floor; I donate blood once a week for $10 to supplement my income." Then she asked the gentleman where he was going.

He responded, "I'm going to the sperm bank on the 5th floor; I donate sperm there once a week for $50 to supplement my income".

The next week the same scenario happens. He stopped the elevator doors with his hand, the doors opened and the blonde was standing inside. He smiled and greeted her and asked if she was going to the 3rd floor?

The blonde responded in a garbled tone (as if she had something in her mouth), "No 5th floor first."

 Knock Knock Collection 131

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Montana!
Montana who?
Montana your hide if she finds out you ate all of the cookies!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Moose!
Moose who?
Moose you be so nosy!

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Morris!
Morris who?
Morris another day!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Morrison!
Morrison who?
Morrison, the more sun tan!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Mort!
Mort who?
Mort to the point, who are you!