Popular jokes (22906 to 22920)

I tried to make a living rowin

I tried to make a living rowing cows across a river. It was just income paddle bull with my lifestyle.

There are a lot of bel

There are a lot of belles at the pealer bar. You'll always have a good chime.

Marriage counselor

Husband to counselor: We were very happy for 22 years.

Counselor: What happened?

Husband: We got married.

Counselor, turning to wife: Do you agree with your husband's assessment of your marriage?

Wife: Yes, the only thing my husband and I have in common is that we were married on the same day.

To set the scene, we are in Bo

To set the scene, we are in Borneo around 1900. A man is returning to his camp all alone when suddenly he finds himself facing about a score of unfriendly-looking - almost hostile - natives.
He thinks "headhunters", and although he has been a convinced atheist for many years he still mutters, "Oh my God! I think I'm buggered now!"
And a shalt of pearly light strikes miraculously down through the impenetrable foliage above him and lights him up, and a vast awesome voice from above rumbles, "Wrong, my son. You are not buggered yet. There's a sharp stone by your feet; why not use it to strike down the man nearest to you, for he is their chief?"
Our atheist looks up at the source of the light and murmurs, "Well - I'll be damned!" - which is prophetic, as it turns out, because as he stands the over the lifeless body of the chief, facing a score of absolutely horrified tribesmen, the vast and awesome voice from on high thunders, "Right, my son. NOW you're buggered!"

A New GPS

The other day I bought a new GPS for old angry people...
It tells other people where to go!

A number of new Air-Force recr...

A number of new Air-Force recruits were being taken on their first training flight.

The plane had just leveled out after taking off when one of the engines seized up, and another began smoking badly.

Adjusting his parachute, the instructor strove for nonchalance as he made his way to the hatch door.

"Now I want you men to keep perfectly calm," he said, "while I go for help."

Top 9 Signs Your Cat Has Learned Your Internet Password

9. E-mail flames from some guy named "Fluffy."

8. Traces of kitty litter in your keyboard.

7. You find you've been subscribed to strange newsgroups like alt.recreational.catnip.

6. Your mouse has teeth marks in it... and a strange aroma of tuna.

5. Hate-mail messages to Apple Computers, Inc. about thier release of "CyberDog."

4. Your new ergonomic keyboard has a strange territorial scent to it.

3. You keep finding new software around your house like CatinTax and WarCat II.

2. On IRC you're known as the IronMouser.

and the #1 Sign Your Cat Has Learned Your Internet Password...

1. Little kitty carpal-tunnel braces near the scratching post.

Two cannibals caught a clown a...

Two cannibals caught a clown and decided to have him for dinner. After taking a bite, one cannibal turned to the other and said, "Does this taste funny to you?"

Animal jokes-Trained the human

In the fields, oxen just do th

In the fields, oxen just do their job. They care not for a plow's.

Way to keep healthy level of i...

Way to keep healthy level of insanity in the workplace
1. Page yourself over the intercom. (Don't disguise your voice.)
2. Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits.
Always wear them one day after your boss does. (This is especially effective if your boss is a different gender than you are.)
3. While sitting at your desk, soak your fingers in "Palmolive."
4. Put up mosquito netting around your cubicle.
5. Every time someone asks you to do something, ask them if they want fries with that.
6. Put your garbage can on your desk. Label it "IN."
7. Determine how many cups of coffee are "too many."
8. Put decaf in the coffeemaker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.
9. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sexual favors."
10. If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others.
11. When driving colleagues around insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions "to keep 'em tuned up."
12. Reply to everything someone says with "that's what YOU think?"
13. While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a Parakeet.
14. Sit in the parking lot at lunchtime pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.
15. Ask your co-workers mysterious questions and then scribble their answers in a notebook. Mutter something about "psychological profiles".

 Answering Machine Message 234

Thank you for calling, no doubt,
As you can guess, we're out.
When we get home,
We'll call on the phone.
Until then, just hang about.

As I picked out flowers for my

As I picked out flowers for my mother, I noticed a man next to me juggling three boxes of candy and a large bouquet.
"What did you do wrong?" I said with a laugh.
He mumbled back, "I got married."

Passport...

An old lady had always wanted to travel abroad. Now that she was getting on in years, she thought she would really like to do so before she died.

Until now, she'd never even been out of the country. So she began by going in person to the Passport Office and asking how long it would take to have one issued.

"You must take the loyalty oath first," responded the passport clerk. "Raise your right hand, please. "The old gal raised her right hand.

"Do you swear to defend the Constitution of the United States against all its enemies, domestic or foreign?" was the first question.

The little old lady's face paled and her voice trembled as she asked in a small voice, "Uhhh . . . all by myself?"

“The futile search fo...

“The futile search for magnetite became a wild gauss chase.”