Popular jokes (22921 to 22935)

Fishermen Killed

Many years ago, a fisherman's wife blessed her husband with twin sons. They loved the children very much, but couldn't think of what to name their children. Finally, after several days, the fisherman said, "Let's not decide on names right now. If we wait a little while, the names will simply occur to us."
After several weeks had passed, the fisherman and his wife noticed a peculiar fact. When left alone, one of the boys would also turn towards the sea, while the other boy would face inland. It didn't matter which way the parents positioned the children, the same child always faced the same direction. "Let's call the boys Towards and Away," suggested the fisherman. His wife agreed, and from that point on, the boys were simply known as Towards and Away.
The years passed and the lads grew tall and strong. The day came when the aging fisherman said to his sons, "Boys, it is time that learned how to make a living from the sea." They provisioned their ship, said their goodbyes, and set sail for a three month voyage.
The three months passed quickly for the fisherman's wife, yet the ship had not returned. Another three months passed, and still no ship. Three whole years passed before the greiving woman saw a lone man walking towards her house. She recognized him as her husband. "My goodness! What has happened to my darling boys?" she cried.
The ragged fisherman began to tell his story: "We were just barely one whole day out to see when Towards hooked into a great fish. Towards fought long and hard, but the fish was more than his equal. For a whole week they wrestled upon the waves without either of them letting up. Yet eventually the great fish started to win the battle, and Towards was pulled over the side of our ship. He was swallowed whole, and we never saw either of them again."
"Oh dear, that must have been terrible! What a huge fish that must of been!"
"Yes, it was, but you should have seen the one that got Away...."

twins

When I was born, the doctor took one look at my face, turned me over and said, "Look ... twins!"

--- Rodney Dangerfield

Church Bulletin Bloopers: Peace and Pancakes

Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 PM in the recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King. Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don't forget your husbands. The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been cancelled due to a conflict. The Lutheran men's group will meet at 6 pm. Steak, mashed potatoes, green beans, bread, and dessert will be served for a nominal feel.Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.This afternoon, there will be a meeting in the south and north ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends. Tuesday at 4:00 pm there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk will please come early. Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa, will be speaking tonight at Calvary Methodist. Come hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa.The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday. Due to weather conditions, there will not be any “Women Worth Watching” this week. The church is glad to have with us today as our guest minister the Rev. Shirley Green, who has Mrs. Green with him. After the service, we request that all remain in the sanctuary for the Hanging of the Greens.Don't miss this Saturday's exhibit by Christian Martian Arts.- Joke shared on Beliefnet's Religious Humor page

Monkey Talk

A police officer came upon a terrible wreck where the driver and passenger had been killed. As he looked upon the wreckage a little monkey came out of the brush and hopped around the crashed car.

Sitting ...

Sitting round a small coffee table in a room of an international insurance company, a group of 4 people waited for a job interview. There was an Englishman, a Frenchman, a spectacular looking blonde and an awful looking fat lady.

After 15 minutes in complete silence, and avoiding each other's eye contact, there was a power cut. The unmistakable sound of a slap was heard. Two minutes later the power came on again and the Frenchman had a big red slap mark on his cheek.

The blonde thought - "That French son of a bitch wanted to touch me and by mistake must have put his hand on the fat lady who slapped his face"

The fat lady thought - "This dirty old Frenchman laid his hands on the blonde and she smacked him".

The Frenchman thought - "That damned Englishman put his hand on that blonde and by mistake she slapped me".

The Englishman thought - "I hope there's another power cut soon so I can smack that French twat again".

the monkey

a man walks in to a bar with a monkey the monkey started to eat the cherrys once all the cherrys were gone he sat there the man asked for a beer then the monkey jumps on a pool table and ate the cue ball and the bar tender said, "dude your monkey just ate that cue ball!" the man replys o well

a week later he comes in agian and with the monkey agian the monkey picks up a cherry and sticks it up his but pulls it out and ate it the bar tender says, "your monkey just shoved the cherry up his but and ate it!!!!" the man replys after that cue ball came out he is testing everything before he eats it

Misproununciation?

President Clinton walks into a restaurant and is seated at one of the finest tables. A particularly voluptuous waitress wearing a short skirt and legs that won't quit comes to his table.

"What would you like, Mr. President?" Clinton looks at the menu and then scans her beautiful frame top to bottom, and answers, "A quickie."

The waitress stomps off in total disgust.

After she regains her composure she returns and asks again: "What would you like, Mr. President?" Again Clinton thoroughly checks her out and again answers: "A quickie, please." This time her anger takesover, she reaches over and slaps him across the face with a resounding "SMACK!" and storms away.

A Secret Service agent, sitting at the next table, leans over and whispers, "Um, Mr. President, I think it's pronounced 'QUICHE'.

I have been in many places, bu...

I have been in many places, but I've never been in Cahoots. Apparently, you can't go alone. You have to be in Cahoots with someone.

I've also never been in Cognito. I hear no one recognizes you there.

I have, however, been in Sane. They don't have an airport; you have to be driven there. I have made several trips there, thanks to my friends, family and work.

I would like to go to Conclusions, but you have to jump, and I'm not too much on physical activity anymore.

I have also been in Doubt. That is a sad place to go, and I try not to visit there too often.

I've been in Flexible, but only when it was very important to stand firm.

Sometimes I'm in Capable, and I go there more often as I'm getting older.

One of my favorite places to be is in Suspense! It really gets the adrenalin flowing and pumps up the old heart! At my age I need all the stimuli I can get!

And, sometimes I think I am in Vincible but life shows me I am not!

How Many Sheep Do I Have?

There once was a blonde who was very tired of blonde jokes and insults directed at her intelligence.
So, she cut and dyed her hair, got a make-over, got in her car, and began driving around in the country.
Suddenly, she came to a herd of sheep in the road. She stopped her car and went over to the shepherd who was tending to them.
"If I can guess the exact number of sheep here, will you let me have one?" she asked.
The shepherd, thinking this was a pretty safe bet, agreed.
"You have 171 sheep," said the blonde in triumph.
Surprised, the shepherd told her to pick out a sheep of her choice.
She looked around for a while and finally found one that she really liked.
She picked it up and was petting it when the shepherd walked over to her and asked, "if I can guess your real hair color, will you give me my sheep back?"
The blonde thought it was only fair to let him try. "You're a blonde! Now give me back my dog."

A guy comes into a bar and ask...

A guy comes into a bar and asks the barman for twelve-year-old scotch. The barman thinks "This guy is pretty pretentious" and proceeds to pour him a drink of six-year-old scotch.

He gives it to the customer who takes a drink, exclaiming, "This isn't twelve-year-old scotch, this is six-year-old scotch"

The barman thinks, hey this guy knows what he's talking about, and the two of them get into a conversation about where the customer is from etc..

At one point an old guy, who was sitting at the other end of the bar comes over with a glass and hands it to the customer. The latter takes a drink, and spits it out.

"This is piss!" he yells.

The old guy nods and says, "Yeah, but how old am I?"

“When the ornithologi

“When the ornithologist gave his neighbor the bird he went into flight mode.”

Go Home And Wait

The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny.
February 10, 1993
FBI and Florida authorities arrested Paul E. Flasher, 45, who had been sentenced to five years in prison in 1980 for grand theft but who had never been jailed.
Flasher said he had gone home from the sentencing hearing in Tampa and "sat tight," just as his lawyer had instructed, waiting for notification to report to prison. Authorities forgot him for 12 years.

AMAP For Salary

The interviewer examined the job application then turned to the prospective employee. "I see you have put 'ASAP' down for the date you are available to start, meaning as soon as possible, of course. However, I see you've put 'AMAP' down for required salary. I don't believe I've ever seen that before, what does it mean?"
The applicant replied, "As much as possible!"

“In the 17th century

“In the 17th century people first began eating ice cream. It was also the century where people first heard the music of Handel and Bach. It was truly a suite time.”

Top Ten Signs You Bought A Bad Computer

10. Lower corner of screen has the words "Etch-a-sketch" on it.

9. It's celebrity spokesman is that "Hey Vern!" guy.

8. In order to start it, you need some jumper cables and a friend's car.

7. It's slogan is "Pentium: redefining mathematics".

6. The "quick reference" manual is 120 pages long.

5. Whenever you turn it on, all the dogs in your neighborhood start howling.

4. The screen often displays the message, "Ain't it break time yet?"

3. The manual contains only one sentence: "Good Luck!"

2. The only chip inside is a Dorito.

1. You've decided that your computer is an excellent addition to your fabulous paperweight collection.