Popular jokes (22921 to 22935)Jokes sorted by popularity on social networks. Popularity is sum of all all comments, likes, pluses, tweets, etc. is new measure, independant from rating with our star rating system. |
Paying In Advance
A motorist, driving by a Texas ranch, hit and killed a calf that was crossing the road. The driver went to the owner of the calf and explained what had happened. He then asked what the animal was worth.
"Oh, about $200 today," said the rancher. "But in six years it would have been worth $900. So $900 is what I'm out."
The motorist sat down and wrote out a check and handed it to the farmer.
"Here," he said, "is the check for $900. It's postdated six years from now."
A plane was taking off from Ke
A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom."Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and therefore we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now, please sit back and relax... AAHHHHH! ....DAMMIT!"
The passengers sat in silence, waiting for terrible news.
Then, the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier, but while I was talking, the flight- attendant brought me a cup of coffee and spilled the hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!"
A passenger in Coach said, "That's nothing. You should see the back of mine!"
Cutting class
"Jill," a teacher reprimanded the teenager in the hall, "do you mind telling me whose class you're cutting this time?"
"Like," the young teen replied, "uh, see, okay, like it's like I really don't like think like that's really important, y'know, like because I'm y'know, like I don't get anything out of it."
"It's English class, isn't it?" replied the smiling teacher.
“If you see an improp
“If you see an improperly lowercased letter, you must capitalize on it.”
A woman was out shopping one d...
A woman was out shopping one day with her son. The boy spotted a man who was bowlegged. The boy pulled on Mom's hand and said, "Momma, look at the bowlegged man."Mom was mortified and told her son that it was not polite to point to a person and make that sort of comment. For punishment, the boy had to read a play by Shakespeare. He couldn't go shopping again until he finished reading the play.
Finally he finished and his mom took him once again to the mall. Again he spied a bowlegged man, but remembered what happened the last time. So he pulled on his mother's hand and said, "Lo, what manner of men are these, who wear their balls in parentheses?"
My Mother Taught Me About...
1. My Mother taught me about ANTICIPATION…
“Just wait until your father gets home.”
2. My Mother taught me about RECEIVING….
“You are going to get it when we get home!”
3. My Mother taught me to MEET A CHALLENGE…
“What were you thinking? Answer me when I talk to you! Don't talk back to me!”
4. My Mother taught me LOGIC…
“If you fall out off that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me.”
5. My Mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE…
“If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way.”
6. My Mother taught me to THINK AHEAD…
“If you don't pass your spelling test, you'll never get a good job.”
7. My Mother taught me HUMOUR…
“When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me.”
8. My Mother taught me how to BECOME AN ADULT…
“If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up.”
9. My Mother taught me about GENETICS…
“You're just like your father.”
10. My Mother taught me about my ROOTS…
“Do you think you were born in a barn?”
11. My Mother taught me about WISDOM OF AGE…
“When you get to be my age, you will understand.”
And last but not least…
12. My Mother taught me about JUSTICE…
“One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you….Then you'll see what it's like!”
Thea Vidale: Love My Children
I love my children as much as anybody in here. I let them watch TV and stuff -- when I let them out of the shed." Dad who built the Suez Canal
" Dad who built the Suez Canal"" I don't know son"
" Dad who discovered penicillin "
" I've no idea son"
" Dad what's the capital of Italy "
" I ain't got a clue son"
"Dad you don't mind me asking all these questions do you"
"No son, if you don't ask you won't learn anything "
A golfer hooked his tee shot o...
A golfer hooked his tee shot over a hill and onto the next fairway. Walking toward his ball, he saw a man lying on the ground, groaning with pain.'I'm an attorney,' the wincing man said, 'and this is going to cost you $5000.'
'I'm sorry, I'm really sorry,' the concerned golfer replied. 'But I did yell 'fore'.'
'I'll take it,' the attorney said.
Jason Kuller: Penal Enlargement
I was actually thinking about getting penal enlargement surgery -- thought I'd share that with everybody. But the surgery is dangerous, and it's really expensive. But I found this great, safe alternative to penal enlargement surgery: the metric system.
John Howard the chirpy Austral...
John Howard the chirpy Australian Prime Minister, flies to England for a meeting with the Queen. Over a cup of tea, Howard brings up his grand new plans for his country."Your Majesty, mate, can we turn Australia into a kingdom, in order to increase its force in the world market?"
The Queen shakes her head and replies, "One needs a king for a kingdom, Mr Howard and unfortunately you are most certainly not a king."
Not to be dissuaded, Johnny asks, "Would it be possible just to transform Australia into an empire then?"
"No, you chubby-faced chap," snorts the Queen, "for an empire you need an emperor, and you are most certainly not an emperor."
Howard thinks for a moment and then asks if it is possible to to turn Australia into a principality. The Queen replies, "For a principality, you need a prince, and you Mr Howard are definitely not a prince."
Pausing for a sip of her tea, Her Majesty then adds: "I don't mean to appear rude but having met both you and several other Australians, I do think Australia is perfectly suited as a country..."
The experiment
Every night, after dinner, a man took off for the local tavern. He spent the whole evening there, and arrived home very drunk around midnight each night.He always had trouble getting his key into the keyhole and getting the door opened. His wife, waiting up for him, would go to the door and let him in.
Then she would proceed to yell and scream at him, for his constant nights out, and coming home in a drunken state. But, Harry continued his nightly routine.
One day, the wife was talking to a friend about her husband's behavior, and was particularly distraught by it all.
The friend listened to her, and then said, "Why don't you treat him a little differently, when he comes home? Instead of berating him, why don't you give him some loving words, and welcome him home with a kiss? He then might change his ways."
The wife thought that might be a good idea.
That night, Harry took off again, after dinner. And, about midnight, he arrived home, in his usual condition.
His wife heard him at the door, and quickly went to it, and opened the door, and let Harry in.
This time, instead of berating him, as she had always done, she took his arm, and led him into the living room. She sat him down in an easy chair, put his feet up on the ottoman and took his shoes off.
Then she went behind him, and started to cuddle him a little. After a little while, she said to him, "It's pretty late, dear. I think we had better go upstairs to bed, now, don't you think?"
At that, Harry replied, in his inebriated state, "I guess we might as well. I'll be getting in trouble with the stupid wife when I get home anyway!"
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Calamjo
