Popular jokes (22936 to 22950)Jokes sorted by popularity on social networks. Popularity is sum of all all comments, likes, pluses, tweets, etc. is new measure, independant from rating with our star rating system. |
One day a cowboy walked into a
One day a cowboy walked into a blacksmith shop and picked up a horseshoe, not realizing that it had just come from the forge. He immediately dropped it and jammed his hand into his pocket, trying to act as if nothing had happened. The blacksmith noticed and asked with a grin, "Kind of hot, wasn't it?""Nope," answered the cowboy through clenched teeth, "it just doesn't take me long to look at a horseshoe."
#joke #cowboy
Ironically, Chuck Norris' hidd...
Ironically, Chuck Norris' hidden talent is invisibility.#joke #short #chuck-norris
Santa Vs. System Admins
The similarities between Santa and System Admins
1. Santa is bearded, corpulent, and dresses funny.
2. When you ask Santa for something, the odds of receiving what you wanted are infinitesimal.
3. Santa seldom answers your mail.
4. When you ask Santa where he gets all the stuff he's got, he says, "Elves make it for me."
5. Santa doesn't care about your deadlines.
6. Your parents ascribed supernatural powers to Santa, but did all the work themselves.
7. Nobody knows who Santa has to answer to for his actions.
8. Santa laughs entirely too much.
9. Santa thinks nothing of breaking into your $HOME.
10. Only a lunatic says bad things about Santa in his presence.
#joke #christmas
Mitch Hedberg: Emergency Brake
A lot of times, Ill drive for like 10 miles with the emergency brake. That doesnt say a lot for me, but it really doesnt say a lot for the emergency brake.#joke #short
Proof that Sar
Proof that Sarah Palin's child isn't developmentally delayed is that he can do math. In fact, Trig functions.#joke #short
Really funny jokes-Feed the pigs
There was a farmer who had a herd of pigs. One day someone went to the farm and asked the farmer: "What do you use to feed your pigs?"
"Well, I give them acorn, corn, and things like that. Why?"
"Because I am from the Animals Protection Association and I think you don't feed them like you should, they shouldn't eat wastes."
Then he fined the farmer.
Some days later, another person arrived and asked the same question. The farmer answered: "Well, I feed them very well. I give them salmon, caviar, shrimp, steak...why?"
"Because I am from the United Nations Organization and I think it's unfair that you feed your pigs like that when there are people dying with nothing to eat."
And he fined the farmer.
Finally, another man came in and asked just the same question. The hesitant farmer answered after a few minutes: "Well, I give five dollars to each pig so they can buy whatever they want."
"Well, I give them acorn, corn, and things like that. Why?"
"Because I am from the Animals Protection Association and I think you don't feed them like you should, they shouldn't eat wastes."
Then he fined the farmer.
Some days later, another person arrived and asked the same question. The farmer answered: "Well, I feed them very well. I give them salmon, caviar, shrimp, steak...why?"
"Because I am from the United Nations Organization and I think it's unfair that you feed your pigs like that when there are people dying with nothing to eat."
And he fined the farmer.
Finally, another man came in and asked just the same question. The hesitant farmer answered after a few minutes: "Well, I give five dollars to each pig so they can buy whatever they want."
Our generation never got a bre...
Our generation never got a break. When we were young they taught us to respect our elders. Now that we are older, they tell us to listen to the youth of the country.#joke #short
The cyclist, passing a pedestr...
The cyclist, passing a pedestran crossing, runs into a man, and they both fall down."Geez, are you lucky," The cyclist says.
"What do you mean by lucky?" The pedestrian angrily asks. "I got hurt really bad."
"Ah, you're lucky because I recently lost my license. I usually drive a bus."
#joke #short
A grizzled old man was eating ...
A grizzled old man was eating in a truck stop when three very large, leathered bikers walked in.The first walked up to the old man, pushed his cigarette into the old man's pie, and then took a seat at the counter.
The second walked up to the old man, spat into the old man's milk, and then he too took a seat at the counter.
The third walked up to the old man, turned over the old man's plate, and then he took a seat at the counter.
Without a word of protest, the old man quietly left the diner.
Shortly thereafter, one of the bikers said to the waitress, "Humph, not much of a man, was he?"
The waitress replied, "Not much of a truck driver either. He just backed his big-rig over three motorcycles."
Wrong clothes
One night a police officer named Mike returned home at 3:00 a.m. after working the graveyard shift. He opened the door to the bedroom quietly and took off his clothes in the dark and got in bed with his wife.
As soon as he settled in she said, “Honey, can you go over to the drug store and pick me up some aspirin?”
Mike agreed to go, got dressed in the dark, and walked over to the drug store. When he got to the drug store, he got the aspirin and went up to the desk so that the clerk could ring it up.
The clerk looked at him for a moment and asked, “Say, aren't you Mike Murphy?”
Mike answered him and said, “Yes I am.”
The clerk looked puzzled and asked, “Well, aren't you a police officer?”
And again Mike replied yes.
The clerk scratched his head for a second and said, “Then why are you dressed like the fire chief?”
#joke #policeman #food #honey
A potential terrorist attack b...
A potential terrorist attack by militant Buddhists was defused by the Department of Om land Security.#joke #short
Two Hindu Puns
Two Hindu swamis were in conversation.
One said to the other, "How did you like my latest book, 'The Art of Levitation'?"
His companion replied, "It kept me up all night."
***
#joke #short
A Collection Of Insults
A brief synopsis... When you're at a loss for words but want to tell someone that he or she is stupid, remember some these quips from our collection here at Aha! Jokes.Couldn't find his way through a maze even if the rats helped him.
Couldn't hit sand if he fell off a camel.
Couldn't hit the broad side of a barn if he were standing inside.
Couldn't pour water out of a boot with instructions on the heel.
Couldn't think/pee his way out of a paper bag.
Couldn't write dialog for a porno flick.
CPU is always in powersave mode.
CPU not connected to the bus.
Cranial cavity filled with neutronic matter. (Really dense.)
Cranio-rectally inverted.
Cunning as a dodo bird.
Cursor's flashing but there's no response.
Dealing with him is less fun than going to the dentist.
Dealing with him is one angst worse than a blind date.
Deep as her dimples / reflection in a mirror.
#joke #animal #bird #rat #camel
Unpaid Parking Tickets
The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny.
Chicago Tribune
William P. Holcomb, whose job is to supervise the tracking down of Houston, Texas parking ticket violators. It was revealed that he had 375 unpaid tickets.
#joke
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