Popular jokes (24436 to 24450)Jokes sorted by popularity on social networks. Popularity is sum of all all comments, likes, pluses, tweets, etc. is new measure, independant from rating with our star rating system. |
Six-year-old Angie and her fou...
Six-year-old Angie and her four-year-old brother Joel were sitting together in church. Joel giggled, sang, and talked out loud. Finally, his big sister had had enough."You're not supposed to talk (and especially out loud) in church."
"Why? Who's going to stop me?" Joel asked.
Angie pointed to the back of the church and said,
"See those two men standing by the door? They're hushers."
Addicted to Internet Porn
Signs Your Partner is Addicted to Internet Porn- During foreplay, he's always double-clicking your G-spot.
- His new computer includes a DVD-ROM drive, a 56k modem, and a tissue dispenser.
- When she wants you to take off your pants, she says, "Scroll down."
- Tells everyone he's a pioneer in "palm computing."
- He's suing Playboy.com for repetitive stress injuries.
- Her favorite actor? Tommy Lee.
- When he sees a hot babe, he wryly says, "Boy, I'd like to click on her."
- You look deep into his eyes and see a faint image of Asia Carrera burned into his corneas.
- As you undress, he takes out his credit card and tells you his birthday.
- During sex, he shouts, "Refresh! Refresh!"
- His version of foreplay: You lie naked on the bed with a sheet covering you... he pulls it down slowly for ten minutes.
Nickel and dime
“If you nickel and dime your customers you are unlikely to make a mint, but they may coin a phrase or two about your business sense.”
Lightbulb Joke Collection 52
Q: How many people at a London Vegans meeting does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: All thirty. Well, actually it's only one, but he has to wait at least half an hour while the others read out all the announcements.
Q: How many macrobiotics does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Three. One to make the coffee, one to get the cigarettes, and one to ask Michio Kushi for instructions.
Q: How many old macrobiotics does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Five. One to change it, three to hold the ladder, and one to call the ambulance.
Q: How many young macrobiotics does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: None. They all sit in a circle, watching the old macrobiotics, and think beautiful thoughts.
Q: How many holocaust revisionists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None, they just deny the bulb ever went out in the first place.
Q: How many Ethiopians does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Three. One to change it and two to squabble over who gets to eat the packaging.
Q: How many college students does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: I don't know. I forgot my calculator at home.
Q: How many university students does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Two. One to fuse all the electrics while doing something silly, and one to phone the landlord to ask for the lightbulb to be changed.
There were two buddies, one wi...
There were two buddies, one with a Doberman Pinscher and the other with a Chihuahua. The guy with the Doberman Pinscher says to his friend, "Let's go over to that restaurant and get something to eat."The guy with the Chihuahua says, "We can't go in there. We've got dogs with us."
The buddy with the Doberman Pinscher says, "Just follow my lead."
They walk over to the restaurant, the guy with the Doberman Pinscher puts on a pair of dark glasses and he starts to walk in. The bouncer at the door says, "Sorry, mac, no pets allowed."
The man with the Doberman Pinscher says, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye-dog."
The bouncer says, "A Doberman Pinscher?"
He answers, "Yes, they're using them now; they're very good and protect me from robbers, too."
The man at the door says, "Come on in."
The buddy with the Chihuahua figures, "What the heck," so he puts on a pair of dark glasses and starts to walk in.
Once again the bouncer says, "Sorry, pal, no pets allowed."
The guy with the Chihuahua says, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog."
The bouncer at the door says, "A Chihuahua?"
The man with the Chihuahua says, "A Chihuahua?????? They gave me a Chihuahua?!"
The high price of romance!
A husband had been away for a few months and had a romantic evening planned for he and his wife. He sent the two older kids to the movies but could not persuade the youngest boy to go along.
Finally he makes a deal with the boy. If the boy will go sit on the curb in front of their house, the father will give the boy $5 bucks for every man he sees go by in a red hat.
A while later the little boy comes running into the house and bangs on the bedroom door and shouts:
"Dad, if you think your getting screwed in there, you'd better come outside, there's a Shriner's convention going past."
Really funny jokes-Signs
# He tells you that his last good case was a Stroh's beer.
# When the prosecutors notice who your lawyer is, they hug each other.
# He picks the jury by playing "duck-duck-goose."
# He claims that he has never told a lie.
# A workplace has a sign saying "Don't ask me."
# You find a prison guard shaving your head.
The latest poll taken by the o
The latest poll taken by the office of the Governor of Texas asked whether people who live in Texas think illegal immigration is a serious problem:30% of respondents answered: "Yes, it is a serious problem."
70% of respondents answered: "No es una problema serio. "
A noted professor was asked to...
A noted professor was asked to give a talk on "Sex". When he was introduced he stood up and said, "Ladies and gentlemen it gives me great pleasure..."...and then sat down promptly.
Hide & Seek Crisis
If someone has a mid-life crisis while playing hide & seek...
Do they automatically lose because they can't find themselves?
Mike Birbiglia: Five Dates
My female friends complain about dating. My friend was like, I went out with this guy, and he wanted to sleep with me after five dates. And I was like, No, he wanted to sleep with you after one date. He thought he might have a chance after five. He probably wanted to sleep with you after zero dates, but he thought a trip to Applebees might grease the wheels a little.Another room...
The drunk staggered up to the hotel reception and demanded his room be changed.
"But sir," said the clerk, "you have the best room in the hotel."
"I insist on another room!!" said the drunk.
"Very good, sir. I`ll change you from 502 to 555. Would you mind telling me why you don't like 502?" asked the clerk.
"Well, for one thing," said the drunk, "it's on fire."
A man walks into a bar, ...
A man walks into a bar, holding his pet alligator by his side.
The man puts the alligator up on the bar, turns to the astonished patrons and says, "I'll make you all a deal. I will open this alligator's mouth and put the family jewels in his mouth, then close it for one minute. I will then open the alligator's mouth and remove the family jewels unscathed. In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink. Is it a deal?"
The patrons approved.
The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers, and put the family jewels in the alligator's mouth.
As the crowd gasped, he then closed the alligator's mouth, waited a minute, then grabbed a beer bottle and waked the alligator on the head as hard as he could. The alligator immediately opened his mouth and the man removed the family jewels unscathed as promised.
The crowd cheered, applauded, and the first of his free drinks were delivered to him.
A few minutes after, the man stands up again and makes another offer. "I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try".
A hush fell over the patrons.
All of a sudden, a hand goes up. A drop dead gorgeous young blond says, "I'll give it a go, but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle".
Knock Knock Collection 182
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Tyrone!
Tyrone who?
Tyrone shoelaces!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Tyson!
Tyson who?
Tyson of this on for size!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Uganda!
Uganda who?
Uganda get away with this!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Uriah!
Uriah who?
Keep Uriah on the ball!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Uruguay!
Uruguay who?
You go Uruguay and I'll go mine!
