Popular jokes (24481 to 24495)Jokes sorted by popularity on social networks. Popularity is sum of all all comments, likes, pluses, tweets, etc. is new measure, independant from rating with our star rating system. |
No chair
What does E.T. stand for?Because he hasn't got a chair!
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis
A guy walks into a bar and the...
A guy walks into a bar and there is a horse serving drinks. The guy stares until the horse finally says, “What’s the problem? Haven’t you ever seen a horse serving drinks before?”The guy says, “No, it’s not that. It is just that I never thought the ferret would sell the place.”
The lawyer and the car wreck.
A lawyer opened the door of his BMW, when suddenly a car came along and hit the door, ripping it off completely. When the police arrived at the scene, the lawyer was hopping up and down with rage, complaining bitterly about the damage to his precious BMW.
"Officer, look what they've done to my Beeeemer!!!" he shrieked.
"You lawyers are so materialistic it's amazing!!!" retorted the officer, "You're so worried about your stupid BMW, that you didn't even notice that your left arm was ripped off!!!"
"Oh no...." replied the lawyer, looking down and noticing for the first time the bloody stump where his left arm had once been.
"Where's my Rolex???"
God made us both...
"Did God make you, Grandpa?"
"Yes, God made me" the grandfather answered.
A few minutes later, the little girl asked him, "Did God make me, too?"
"Yes, He did," the older man replied.
For a few minutes, the little girl seemed to be studying her grandpa, as well as her own reflection in the mirror, while her grandfather wondered what was running through her little mind.
At last she spoke up. "You know, Grandpa," she said, "God's doing a lot better job, lately, isn't he?"
A Recently Spotted Bumper Sticker:
"My life goal is to piss off Brahma so much that I won't need another life goal."
Three blondes were taking a wa...
Three blondes were taking a walk in the country when they came upon a line of tracks. The first blonde said, "Those must be deer tracks"!The second blonde said, "No, stupid, anyone can tell those are rabbit tracks"! The third blondie said, "No, you idiots, those are horse tracks!"
They where still arguing 10 mins. later when a train hit them!
A guy who knows nothing about ...
A guy who knows nothing about computers calls the technical help line with a problem. He tells them, "My computer says Insert disk #3 -- but only two will fit!"The stockbroker received notic...
The stockbroker received notice from the IRS that he was being audited. He showed up at the appointed time and place with all his financial records, and then sat for what seemed like hours as the accountant pored over them.Finally the IRS agent looked up and commented, “You must have been a tremendous fan of Sir Arthur Doyle” “why would you say that?” wondered the broker. “Because you’ve made more brilliant deductions on your last three returns than Sherlock Holmes made in his entire career.”
Undocumented Windows Errors
*WinErr: 001 Windows loaded – System in danger*WinErr: 002 No Error – Yet
*WinErr: 003 Dynamic linking error – Your mistake is now in every file
*WinErr: 004 Erroneous error – Nothing is wrong
*WinErr: 005 Multitasking attempted – System confused
*WinErr: 006 Malicious error – Disk view found on drive
*WinErr: 007 System price error – Inadequate money spent on hardware
*WinErr: 008 Broken window – Watch out for glass fragments
*WinErr: 009 Horrible bug encountered – No one knows what has happened
*WinErr: 00A Promotional literature overflow – Mailbox full
*WinErr: 00B Inadequate disk space – Free at least 500MB
*WinErr: 00C Memory hog error – More Ram needed. More! More! More!
*WinErr: 00D Window closed – Do not look outside
*WinErr: 00E Window open – Do not look inside
*WinErr: 00F Unexplained error – Please tell us how this happened
*WinErr: 010 Reserved for future mistakes by our developers
*WinErr: 011 Window open – Do not look outside
*WinErr: 012 Window closed – Do not look inside
*WinErr: 013 Unexpected error – Huh ?
*WinErr: 014 Keyboard locked – Try anything you can think of.
*WinErr: 018 Unrecoverable error – System has been destroyed.
Buy a new one. Old windows licence is not valid anymore.
*WinErr: 019 User error – Not our fault. Is Not! Is Not!
*WinErr: 01A Operating system overwritten – Please reinstall all your software. We are terribly sorry.
*WinErr: 01B Illegal error – You are not allowed to get this error. Next time you will get a penalty for that
*WinErr: 01C Uncertainty error – Uncertainty may be inadequate.
*WinErr: 01D System crash – We are unable to figure out our own code.
*WinErr: 01E Timing error – Please wait. And wait. And wait. And wait.
*WinErr: 01F Reserved for future mistakes of our developers
*WinErr: 020 Error recording error codes – Remaining errors will be lost.
*WinErr: 042 Virus error – A virus has been activated in a dos- box. The virus, however, requires Windows. All tasks will automatically be closed and the virus will be activated again.
*WinErr: 079 Mouse not found – A mouse driver has not been installed. Please click the left mouse button to continue.
*WinErr: 103 Error buffer overflow – Too many errors encountered. Next errors will not be displayed or recorded.
*WinErr: 678 This will end your Windows session. Do you want to play another game?
*WinErr: 683 Time out error – Operator fell asleep while waiting for the system to complete boot procedure
*WinErr: 815 Insufficient Memory – Only 580,312,583 Bytes available
Sean Patton: Tighten Your Budget
If my penis were, say, an annual salary: $47,000 a year with dental. Thats pretty good. $47,000 -- plenty, ladies, if you just, uh, tighten up your budget. Have a tight budget. Dont just have a loose skanky ass budget.“Did you hear about t
“Did you hear about the nun who procrastinated doing her laundry? She had a filthy habit.”
Now don't be confused......
Now don't be confused...
WOMEN'S ENGLISH:
1. Yes = No
2. No = No
3. Maybe = No
4. We need = I want
5. I am sorry = you'll be sorry
6. We need to talk = You're in trouble
7. Sure, go ahead = You better not
8. Do what you want = You will pay for this later
9. I am not upset = Of course I am upset, you moron!
10. You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about
MEN'S ENGLISH:
1. I am hungry = I am hungry
2. I am sleepy = I am sleepy
3. I am tired = I am tired
4. Nice dress = Nice cleavage!
5. I love you = Let's have sex now
6. I am bored = Do you want to have sex?
7. May I have this dance? = I'd like to have sex with you
8. Can I call you sometime? = I'd like to have sex with you
9. Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd like to have sex with you
10. Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd like to have sex with you
11. I don't think those shoes go with that outfit = I'm gay
You Might Be A Redneck If 69
You might be a reneck if...
You think the ATM machine is a giant, public calculator.
Your favorite cologne smells like exhaust.
The fire department leaves after discovering that the fire that destroyed y.
You think its okay to have your 6 year old babysit your 5, 4, and 3 year o.
Your dog's shots are up to date but your children's aren't.
You use the water in your toilet to bob for apples.
Your whole family sleeps in the same bed.
You consider your annual bath one too many.
You wore a baseball cap to the opera.
If you are 20 and you can still go in McDonald's playhouse.
If you think Purina is some kind of Ex-Lax.
