Popular jokes (24481 to 24495)

Man "Haven't we met before?"<

Man "Haven't we met before?"
Woman "Yes, I'm the receptionist at the VD Clinic."
Man "Haven't I seen you someplace before?"
Woman "Yeah, that's why I don't go there anymore."
Man "Is this seat empty?"
Woman "Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down."
Man "So, wanna go back to my place ?"
Woman "Well, I don't know. Will two people fit under a rock?"
Man "Your place or mine?"
Woman "Both. You go to yours and I'll go to mine."
Man "I'd like to call you. What's your number?"
Woman "It's in the phone book."
Man "But I don't know your name."
Woman "That's in the phone book too."
Man "So what do you do for a living?"
Woman "I'm a female impersonator."
Man "What sign were you born under?"
Woman "No Parking."
Man "Hey, baby, what's your sign?"
Woman "Do not Enter"
Man "How do you like your eggs in the morning?"
Woman "Unfertilized"
Man "Hey, come on, we're both here at this bar for the same reason"
Woman "Yeah! Let's pick up some chicks!"
Man "I'm here to fulfill your every sexual fantasy."
Woman "You mean you've got both a donkey and a Great Dane?"
Man "I know how to please a woman."
Woman "Then please leave me alone."
Man "I want to give myself to you."
Woman "Sorry, I don't accept cheap gifts."
Man "I can tell that you want me."
Woman "Ohhhh. You're so right. I want you to leave."
Man "If I could see you naked, I'd die happy
Woman "Yeah, but if I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing."
Man "Hey cutie, how 'bout you and I hitting the hot spots?"
Woman "Sorry, I don't date outside my species.."
Man "Your body is like a temple."
Woman "Sorry, there are no services today."
Man "I'd go through anything for you."
Woman "Good! Let's start with your bank account."
Man "I would go to the end of the world for you."
Woman "Yes, but would you stay there?"

A man who smelled like a disti

A man who smelled like a distillery flopped on a subway seatnext to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face wasplastered with red lipstick, and a half-empty bottle of gin wassticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaperand began reading. After a few minutes the disheveled guy turnedto the priest and asked, "Say, Father, what causes arthritis?"
"My son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wickedwomen, too much alcohol, and a contempt for your fellow man."
"Well, I'll be damned," the drunk muttered, returning to his paper.
The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man andapologized. "I'm very sorry, I didn't mean to come on so strong.How long have you had arthritis?"
"I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does."

One night a police officer was...

One night a police officer was staking out a particularly rowdy bar for possible DUI violations. At closing time, he saw a fellow tumble out of the bar, trip on the curb, and try his keys in five different cars before he found his. Then he sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes. Everyone else left the bar and drove off. Finally he started his engine and began to pull away. The police officer was waiting for him. He stopped the driver, read him his rights and administered the Breathalyzer test. The results showed a reading of 0.0. The puzzled officer demanded to know how that could be. The driver replied, "Tonight I'm the designated decoy.”

“Doc!” the man yells. I’ve los...

“Doc!” the man yells. I’ve lost my memory!”
“Calm down, sir. When did this happen.”
The man looked at him. “When did what happen?”

“I hate cliff-hangers...

“I hate cliff-hangers! Do you know what I am going to do about it?”

Drugs for Women

With ...

Drugs for Women

With the introduction of Viagra to fix a perennial male problem, a famous British pharmaceutical company is working to redress the balance:

MIRRORCILLIN - A 5cc dose enables a woman to walk past mirrors for up to four hours without pausing once.

STOPPANAGGIN - Gives women a vague feeling of contentment towards their spouse/boyfriend.

COSMOPOLIRA - Doubles female intelligence, allowing 'facts' in trash lifestyle magazines to be disputed.

LOGICON - Trials showed that females taking this were able to follow a proposition through to its logical conclusion and argue effectively without being diverted into non-relevant postulates such as 'you don't love me any more'.

PARKATRON - 72% of women taking this were able to safely reverse park a Ford Fiesta into a space only 12 meters long; 54% achieved this in under 15 minutes.

MAGNATACK - Uniquely distorts the cornea, making certain shapes appear much larger than in reality - no practical use for this drug has yet been found.

WARDROBIA - Clinical trials show that almost 23% of women taking this drug can safely walk past a sale notice, and an amazing 42% stayed within their credit limit.

BEERINTULIN - Engenders a female desire to bring her spouse/boyfriend alcoholic beverages and snacks during televised sports.

Grasshopper

A grasshopper hops into a bar and onto a barstool. The bartender says to the grasshopper, "Did you know we have a drink named after you?"

And the grasshopper replies, "Really?! You have a drink named Steve?"

Why would the girthsome fellow

Why would the girthsome fellow only leave his house during a blizzard?

Alan and Michael are bungee-ju...

Alan and Michael are bungee-jumping one day. Alan says to Mike, "you know, we could make a lot of money running our own bungee jumping service in Mexico."

Mike thinks this is a great idea, so they pool their money and buy everything they'll need; a Tower, an elastic cord, insurance, etc. They travel to Mexico and begin to set up on the square.

As they are constructing the tower a crowd begins to assemble. Slowly, more and more people gather to watch them work. When they had finished, there was such a crowd they thought it would be a good idea to give a demonstration. So Mike jumps.

He bounces at the end of the cord, but when he comes back up, Alan notices that he has a few cuts and scratches. Unfortunately, Alan isn't able to catch him, and he falls again, bounces again and comes back up again.

This time he is bruised and bleeding. Again Alan misses him. Mike falls again and bounces back up. This time he comes back pretty messed up. He's got a couple of broken bones and is almost unconscious.

Luckily Alan catches him this time and says, "What happened? Was the cord too long?"

Barely able to speak, Michael gasps, "No, the bungee cord was fine. It was the crowd... WHAT THE HECK IS A PIÑATA?"

At a divorce court, a family o...

At a divorce court, a family of bears is waiting for the judge to grant custody of little bear.

The judge asks the baby bear; “Do you want to live with papa bear?”
The baby bear replied, "No he beats me. "

The judge asked, "so do you want to live with mommy bear?"
The baby bear said, "No she beats me too."

The judge asked, "Then whom do you want to live with?"
The baby bear says, "The Chicago bears, they don't beat anyone!"

It was the end of the school y...

It was the end of the school year, and a kindergarten teacher was receiving gifts from her pupils.

The florist's son handed her a gift. She shook it, held it overhead, and said, "I bet I know what it is. Flowers."
"That's right!" the boy said, "But, how did you know?"
"Oh, just a wild guess," she said.

The next pupil was the sweet shop owner's daughter. The teacher held her gift overhead, shook it, and said, "I bet I can guess what it is. A box of sweets."
"That's right, but how did you know?" asked the girl.
"Oh, just a wild guess," said the teacher.

The next gift was from the son of the liquor store owner. The teacher held he package overhead, but it was leaking. She touched a drop off the leakage with her finger and put it to her tongue. "Is it wine?" she asked.
"No," the boy replied, with some excitement.
The teacher repeated the process, tasting a larger drop of the leakage. "Is it champagne?" she asked. "No," the boy replied, with more excitement.
The teacher took one more big taste before declaring, "I give up, what is it?"

With great glee, the boy replied, "It's a puppy!" SURPRISE!

Busy Bus Stop

In a crowded city at a busy bus stop, a woman who was waiting for a bus was wearing a tight leather skirt. As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus. Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. 

Again, she tried to make the step only to discover she still couldn't. So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more. For the second time, attempted the step, and, once again, and much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg. With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to make the step.

About this time, a big man who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus. 

She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and screeched, "How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!' 

The man smiled and drawled, "Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we was friends."

I was surprised when my brain ...

I was surprised when my brain surgeon requested a urine sample. I replied ‘Why does my pia mater?'

I always look for a woman who has a tattoo

If I see a woman with a tattoo, and I’m thinking, okay, here’s a gal who’s capable of making a decision she’ll regret in the future.

Stay of Execution

An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution.
His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.
As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him about, "What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you been? Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it."
And on and on and on. Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself up the stairs.
While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was told that her husband's client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight.
Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go upstairs and give him the good news.
As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.
"They're not hanging Wright tonight," she said.
He whirled around and yelled, "FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP?!"